Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

With applause, pictures, hugs, and blog post of course!

(Posted by Gayle)

They weren’t a May December couple.  In fact, my guess is they were more likely an April/April couple.  But one thing was clear – they were truly, madly, deeply in love.  She was in shock and couldn’t stop crying.  It was just the two of them and about 20 or so strangers.  For a moment we got to share in their love and will be telling their story for a long time to come.  And every time I tell their story, I will send a wish and prayer into the heavens for their happiness and devotion to each other to continue and to grow. Read the rest of this entry »

I guess not since my body really is getting older (a post by Ron)

We celebrated Christmas with our friend Sheri the other night and one of the gifts she gave me was a pair of “arthritis” gloves.  You wear them and the heat is supposed to help with pain in your knuckles.  OK, I do have some arthritis – in my fingers and knees and – stop it!  The problem I have with the gloves is that they really do help.  I would much rather just pretend the arthritis wasn’t happening.  And then there was the shirt she got me that said something about putting the Zen into senior citizen.  I think I need to talk to her.

I recently celebrated my 68th birthday.  Yep, my body is 68 years old.  My spirit is not.  I love the joke I saw recently about the “older” man with the 20 year old inside yelling “what the f… happened?”  I don’t remember getting to be this age but it doesn’t really matter.  I think a good age is the one you are at right now.  The arthritis is not bad and can be controlled.  Losing weight has certainly helped my knees.  My attitude about life keeps my spirit younger than my body.  Maybe 68 is the new 20!  OK, maybe not, but I still like bringing out the 20 year old to see how life really is at my “good” age.

By the way.  Gayle wanted to try on my glove last night to see if it would help her hand.  I guess she should talk with Sheri about that.

It surely feels that way.

(Posted by Ron)

I’m lost. It’s too late. I doubt that I will be able to recover from this. We were sitting at the Waffle Hut Sunday (yes, if you don’t look too closely at the kitchen it’s possible to eat there.) I looked down and found my cell phone in my hands. Yes, my cell phone. On most days I don’t even know where it is. More importantly, I was using the keyboard to make a note. OMG. I am lost! I swore to never touch the keyboard.

Do you want more proof?

We were recently in that bastion of sin and waste in the deserts of Nevada (my first trip.) While eating dinner in one of Wolfgang’s restaurants (more proof!) a gentleman and his date/girlfriend/wife sat down next to us. I knew we were kindred souls because there was obviously an age difference between them. His hair was grayer than mine but that just means I have a better hairdresser.

It was kind of long and stringy, but something about it looked really good to me. I came back and decided to let my hair get long (again). Last week Gayle discovered something called Malleable Moulding Paste (must be British.) What’s the connection? She looked upon my now longer hair as an experimental zone for the Paste. I don’t think it worked. Our friend David agreed when he saw it. I don’t think I’m ready to be seen in public with hair styled to look as I do when I wake up each day. At least I hope the experiment is over.

But what am I going to do about the cell phone?  And did I just type OMG?  OMG!!!  WTF??

Look no further.  Here’s our advice on giving advice!

(Posted by Gayle)

A question from one of our readers came in today.  He’s 45  – she’s 21.  They’ve been seeing each other about 6 months.

…I think that we both worry that there is some issue we are missing.  He says that I’d probably meet some 25 year old stud and go through the thrills of discovery in my twenties and thirties with them, and that he’s practically in his late 40′s. I suppose he feels like he’s taking something from me. While I don’t have the knowledge that he does I feel like I could potentially be taking something from him that he could get from someone his own age. Yet, when we are together all we feel is love. I know it’s still early in the relationship, but we can both feel the real potential for long term commitment. Yet, it is getting curbed by our age difference. Read the rest of this entry »