Posted by Gayle

This is the most refreshingly honest post I’ve seen written about May-December couples!   I. love. it.

How about you?

“May-December” and Life..

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Posted by Gayle

A client and I were talking about “trust issues” the other day.  We can find so many *good* reasons to abandon our ability to trust. The earliest developmental task of an infant,  according to Erik Erikson,  is determining whether or not he or she can trust his or her caretakers to meet its most basic needs.  That infant has no linguist ability… no speech… no words… no cognitive ability to understand words.  Not being able to express myself verbally or understand the verbal expression of others seems like it would cause trust issues in and of itself.  Of course that is being said by Chatty Cathy herself!  In reality, no words mean… NOLIES!!!!!

Your needs either get met or they don’t. As we develop language, we also acquire the ability to fib and be fibbed too.  It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients are dealing with self-doubt because they have been told that one or more of their needs are stupid, irrelevant, not really needs, demanding, etc.  When doubt rears it’s ugly head, control is nearby.

I think we learn to substitute control for trust.   When we no longer believe we can trust, we begin trying to control others and/or ourselves.

con – trol (noun):  • the power to restrain something, esp. one’s own emotions or actions •  a means of limiting or regulating something or someone .

The problem is trust is at the core of our basic nature.  Without the ability to trust, we’re basically screwed.  So what happens when you are betrayed?  Surely you’re not supposed to extend trust to the other person and invite them to screw you again… are you?  I don’t have a quick answer for you here.  What I do have are a few questions for you to ponder…

• If someone betrays you, why are you so quick to blame yourself and think you are stupid or a fool?
• Do you take vengeance and revenge in your own hands and if so does it work to make you feel happier in the long run?
• What do you consider betrayal?  Is there room for imperfection in your life? -and- here is the biggie
• Can you trust yourself to survive betrayal?

I’ve been hurt, wounded, betrayed… whatever you want to call it… more times than I care to remember.  That doesn’t make me special.  It makes me human!  Sadly, betrayal is just part of the human landscape.  When it happens, I go through a period of time where I feel like it is unsurvivable.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours with clients who do not believe they can survive the betrayal-du-jour. Perhaps my most repeated phrase is “it’s not bigger than you… you will not always feel this way.”  When they look at me incredulously and ask me how they are going to survive I tell them the truth… “one breath at a time.”  Breathing is highly underrated.  If you are stilling doing it… then. you. are. surviving.

Control won’t fix a thing.  Trusting yourself will.  Breathing will keep you alive long enough to find a way to breakthrough the pain when betrayal knocks on your door yet again.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.
~Mario Andretti

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
~David Brinkley

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My Scar - 7 months later

Posted by Gayle

Today is the 1 year anniversary of having surgery on my neck for a bone spur and bulging disc. I was in the operating room under general anesthesia, even as I write, last year at this time. The story leading up to the events is less interesting than what happened after. Before, simply put, I was in pain and had been on and off for two months. Bad pain. Nerve pain. A pain that doesn’t give a crap about Vicodin.

As I look at my life today, the landscape is vastly different. Some people have come, others have gone, and the standby group of old faithfuls are still here. What I’ve realized is that taking care of myself is only optional if I am willing to live with the negative consequences of being “hurried, worried, and stressed” much of the time. Going to Yoga 2 or 3 nights a week at 8pm means less time with Ron during the week. In order for us to survive less togetherness during the week, we have found ways to more present with each other when we finally do share time together on the weekends. At times we fail miserably, but we always manage to find our way to each other. Some nights it’s hard to walk out the door at 7:30pm knowing he’ll eat dinner and begin relaxing without me. But not getting the exercise I need with regularity is no longer an option for me. It just costs too much!

Prior to my surgery, walking was my primary form of exercise. I was passionate about it. That passion has never returned. I miss it. I don’t know if I’m scared to try it again or if I just love yoga so much that I give my time to the hot room instead of my neighborhood streets. Rather than obsess about it or try to spend time figuring out my motivations…. I just do what comes naturally and I give thanks that something related to exercise actually comes naturally!

Laughter has returned to my life. The good laugh until your belly hurts or you almost pee your pants laughing. At 53 “almost” peeing ones pants is a blessing. That means you didn’t actually wet your pant and have not need for panty liners (or God forbid – Depends) and I am crossing my fingers, legs, arms, and toes that yoga will help my bladder retain is northward position. Other things are heading south, please, please, please…. not my bladder. Okay? During the time of recovery I lost touch with a few of the usual suspects in my life. It’s been hard to accept that for whatever reason those relationships didn’t bounce back as well as my neck did. All I know is that I wasn’t myself, I made some big mistakes, and life goes on whether you are yourself or not. Consequences always follow action (or inaction). I’m a walking billboard for “Everything is life is a choice and every choice has a consequence.”

Looking back, I can see that essentially I put myself in timeout for most of 2010. I needed time to recover both physically and even more so emotionally. At some point, the time out felt more like a dark cave, but it was where I needed to be. Actually it was the only place I could be. Thankfully, I have always been able to work and set myself aside during those hours. Work was in many ways therapeutic. It was a welcome routine, familiar and safe. On the other hand, I wasn’t really able write. It didn’t seem like I had anything to say that wasn’t dark, self-reflective, or downright self-indulgent. So most of my writing and blogging went by the wayside. I missed it. I wanted it back. So what am I doing right now? Writing. That’s a victory in and of itself.

In early March of 2010, I was released by the doctor to return to my life. Rather than physical therapy he strongly urged me to do yoga. I followed his instructions. I had no desire to re-injure myself or grow another bone spur. So far so good. In late July, I checked in with him about roller coasters. His advice? Go… get out of here…. if you can find a coaster to ride this afternoon do it!” Some of you may remember, my neurosurgeon is a rockstar, who looks like Rod Stewart (and yep I’ve got a crush on him.) When I hopped on the Titan with my favorite 16 year old who is also my long time roller coaster buddy, I felt triumphant.

As 2010 faded into 2011, I found myself a little lighter and a bit more optimistic. Hope began to find her way back to me. I like hanging out with Hope. I miss her terribly when she goes on sabbatical. I am reminded of a line from the movie Hope Floats. I used it in eulogy for a dear friend. Even ten years later it still resonates…

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s at the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will. -Birdee From the movie Hope Floats (1998)

Me... after my first hot yoga class

(Posted by Maya)

May-December: Canadians in age-discrepant relationships
Canadian Social Trends Autumn 2003
by Monica Boyd and Anne Li

North Americans often assume that most married or common-law partners are close in age to each other and this, in fact, tends to be the case most of the time. There are, however, exceptions, couples with substantial age gaps between them. Although the typical pattern for age-discrepant marriages is the so-called “May–December” relationship, in which the woman is much younger than the man, the reverse also may hold.  Read entire article now.

Maya’s Critical Review

This article appeared in Statistics Canada’s “Canadian Social Trends” publication in the fall of 2003. It is a study of Canada’s 2001 Census of Population, with a focus on age-gap unions. I have been unable to find citations of this article, but I believe that, despite dealing exclusively with Canadian data, it provides important information that may have resonance with Americans as well.

Read the rest of this entry »