(Age Gap relationships aren’t milk)

(Posted by Gayle)

It’s not exactly what went through my head that fateful day in the emergency room waiting area, but it’s close. In 2003 I wasn’t a blogger or a texter yet and I didn’t speak or think in acronyms.  Ron was having a stroke – literally.  And I was reliving age 14 and the day my father died… at home… alone with… me.

During the tedious and treacherous moments waiting to be called to Ron’s side, I was suddenly thinking that having a husband 15 years older than myself might not have been a great idea.  I think it was the first time our age gap scared me.  It wasn’t that I never thought about it before.  I just had never been so petrified of it.

When the fear engulfs me (and it still does from time to time) I remember a therapist of mine telling me:

“Gayle, every – absolutely every – relationship you are in will end.  They will either leave you or die or you will leave them or die.”

I find strange comfort in those words because they remind that age has little to do with it.  Getting left, being abandoned (whatever you choose to call it) is part of the natural order of things.  It is one of the few ways in which we are truly created equal.  We’re all going to die and if we live any length of time we are going to lose people, pets, and things we love.

My dad died (and left me) when he was 54, my best friend died (and left me) when he was 40, my first love died (and left me) when he was in his mid-twenties, my mom died (and left me) when she was 84, my grandmother died (and left me) when she was 99, my brother died (and left me) 16 years before I was born – he was 3 days old, one of my grandchildren died (and left me) when she only 2 months old and still inside her mother’s womb.  I’ve survived every one of those losses and I’m still here surviving and some days even thriving!

We’re not like milk.  We don’t come with an expiration date.  I’ve also learned that expiration dates are more of an approximation than hard and fast rules.

So what do you do in an “OMG -WTfrickingheckhaveigottenmyselfinto” moment?

1. Breathe. If you are breathing you are surviving.  Just take it one breath at a time.
2. Emote or distract depending on the situation. When I was waiting to see Ron in the ER, I chose distraction.  I got out my PDA and looked up information about strokes on-line.  I had a diagnosis before the doctors came and got me.  (BTW – Ron is fine.  No long term damage.  Just a wake up call that did more good than harm.)  I wish I’d had a PDA when dad died.  Instead I watched the Grinch that Stole Christmas in the hospital waiting room till my mother got there.
3. Depending on what you did in step 2, emote or distract.  If you distracted yourself, now it’s time to actually experience what you are feeling. It took me about 10 years to really get in touch with what I felt about my dad’s death.  Suffice it to say, life would have been different had I had some help dealing with my pain.  I distracted myself for a looooooong time. 
   Notes on emoting:  You can do this by yourself, in fact you will often find yourself alone when the emotions surface.  It’s okay to do it by yourself, but doing it alone is NOT enough.  You need the presence of someone who cares about you to hear your pain and wrap their arms around you.  I recently accompanied a friend on a road trip.  She was leaving a long-term relationship.  She asked me to ride with her in the truck while she drove from her home town to Dallas.  When we got here, she thanked me.  I told her I didn’t feel like I had done much.  I didn’t help her drive and I didn’t entertain her.  She said “but you talked to me or more than that, you listened to me while I talked.”  She was wise enough to ask for help.  She knew she didn’t want to be alone on that leg of her journey.  Remember when it’s time to emote – it’s also time to phone a friend.  Ron was released from the hospital on Friday after his stroke.  We were in our therapist’s office the same afternoon.  We knew we had bundles of emotions to work through.  Our therapy sessions were instrumental in the healing process for both of us.

4. Put one foot in front of the other and just do the next right thing.
5. Grieve your losses as they happen – not before they happen.
   
6. And if you are in a May December relationship and your “OMG WTF moment” caused you to question your decision – remind yourself we are people and relationships and not milk. We all come with expiration dates, but they aren’t hard and fast rules and should generally be ignored.
   • Pick up your pieces.
   • Remember your commitment.  Did you only sign on for the good times?  What would you want to happen if the shoes were on the other feet?
   • Get help if you need it.
   • Just don’t let fear destroy your love or your life…