August 25th, 2008
I grew up with NASCAR long before it was cool or before we knew what an Earnhardt was. My father was, among others things, a race track promoter in Chicago, Illinois. I went to stock car races most weekends in the fall during my late elementary school years. Mostly what I liked about stock car racing was the hot dogs. Since I was allowed in the press booth, I got free hot dogs right out of the silver box vendors carried around their necks to keep the dogs hot. I didn’t particularly like the noise generated at the race track, but I did learn a few things. The flag system was one of them.
My dad’s office was in our condo. He had a checkered flag painted on the ceiling of the office (the picture on the left.) People who didn’t know what he did for a living thought he was into chess. Black and white squares painted on a ceiling really do look like a chess or checkers board. However, in auto racing the checkered flag is a big deal. When waved in front of you, it means you’ve won the race. I visited that apartment 20 or more years after leaving Chicago. The flag was still on the ceiling (the picture on the right.) Somehow it had survived several owners. Perhaps they were chess fans. I doubt if they knew the NASCAR connection.
This leads us to the subject of recognizing the different colored flags in new relationships. No matter what your age is, intense sexual chemistry certainly feels like a green flag. However in the early days of dating sexual chemistry seems to cause us to ignore the red flags. It’s as if we become color blind and see only the color green. Only months later, after the “love coma” has worn off, are we able to see red. It’s usually in your best interest to hold off on giving the green flag to sex until you’ve identified the other flags on the track.
Red Flag – Stop! Do not proceed!
- Does not take no for an answer.
Examples include: Asking someone to take it slow, but they call and send text messages constantly. They tell you they are so attracted to you they can’t help themselves. They ask if they can help you with something (like helping you move). You tell them no – they do it anyway (they show up on moving day with a truck). You ask them not to call or send text message after a certain time. They do it anyway. - Actions and words don’t match.
- Active addictions.
- Lies and/or lies by omission.
- Insane jealousy, angry outbursts, snoopy behavior, violence.
- Still in a relationship with someone else.
- Just got out of a relationship.
(yes, even if they say they’ve been emotionally out of the relationship for a long time.) - Anything that is part of your “no deal – bottom line”*.
For example, you don’t want to date a smoker, but you meet someone and there is a lot of chemistry. You decide to proceed and hope they will quit or they even tell you they plan to quit someday. Six months or a year from now you probably won’t be so tolerant. - No sexual chemistry.
Okay so this is a person your mother would love and you want very much to fall in love with him or her. You just don’t feel any spark, but you go ahead and try to make the spark happen. You tell yourself that sex isn’t the only thing that counts in a long term relationship (which is actually true – but it is ONE of the things that count.) With no spark and no passion you’re setting yourself and the relationship up for big problems down the road. - Maturity level is less than chronological age.
For all you age-gappers out there, please note that a May-December relationship will not work just because the December is immature for his/her age. Immaturity is not something to be sought. You are looking for compatibility due to the green flags described below.
* “No deal – bottom line” items are the things that you know you can’t and don’t want to tolerate. They are different for everyone and you need to know what yours are even if you feel judgmental when you express them. For example, if you want to date someone who is physically active and in shape, don’t pick a couch potato hoping you’ll convert him or her. If you don’t want children, don’t date someone who has kids or still wants to have kids. Get the idea?
Yellow Flags – Proceed with Caution.
- Dominates or doesn’t participate in the conversation.
If you talk all the time and this person allows you to do that without saying much, you might want to ask yourself “what’s up with that?” Chances are you’ll be arguing about how quiet he or she is before too long. - Talks poorly about partners in past relationships.
Appears to blame the ex for all the problems. Do you really want a relationship with a blamer? Someday the person they are blaming for the problems might be you. - Has cheated in the past.
You’ll note that we don’t necessarily consider this a red flag. We think it is a yellow flag that merits investigation over time. - Has recently overcome an addiction.
- Has a history of financial instability.
- Too open about his/her history in the beginning.
- Too closed about his/her history in the beginning.
- Has few if any other meaningful relationships.
Green Flags – Go!
- Good chemistry.
- Good conversation.
(it’s a dialogue, not a series of monologues.) - Means what he/she says, does what he/she means.
- Wants to get to know you and move at an appropriate pace.
- Wants to take some time before becoming sexual.
- Is stable in his/her life right now.
- Has good relationships with other people.
- Similar interests and activity levels.
We have some theories about why people are so willing to ignore red flags when they see them.
- The “only” one soul mate theory.
You believe there is only one person on the planet meant for you. This generates a lot of desperation. One in 7 billion isn’t very good odds. So you’ve got to find that needle in the haystack. When the attraction factor is there in a big way you automatically presume this is “the one.” We’ve seen people lose a soul mate and be certain they’ll never find love again. Trust us, there is more than one “right” person for you out there. - You fall in love with potential rather than reality.
When this happens you ignore the parts of the person you don’t like. You stay focused on what they could become in the right circumstances. This is a great approach if you are a therapist, but not such a good approach if you want an equal partner. It’s not hard to live with anyone when they are at their best. The time to pay close attention is when he or she is at his or her worst. We ALL have dark sides. We believe you need to have a full and complete understanding of who your partner is when they are at their worst before entering into a long-term commitment. For example, you might not be able to live with someone who gets depressed and goes to bed for days when they are upset, but wouldn’t mind living with someone who gets grouchy and moody during a rough patch. - Impatience and a need for instant gratification.
You won’t wait for the the right person. You want it now so you push a square peg in a round hole to make it work. - To fix one of your problematic traits.
You pick a person because you believe it will not only make you a better person, but it will fix one of your problems. For example, you might not be very responsible with money and live from paycheck to paycheck. You find a person who is very good with his or her finances, but you don’t feel the spark. You like many of this person’s traits and believe that if you form a partnership you will learn fiscal responsibility. You decide it’s okay to sacrifice hot sex in favor of money in the bank. You are the only person who can fix you. Learn it now and save yourself some grief down the road. - Chemistry.
Studies show that people who have a high level of attraction for each other release a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine (PEA) which is like a natural amphetamine. San Diego-based sex therapist Theresa L. Crenshaw calls PEA the “molecule of love.” “PEA could well be the visual component of the chemistry of love at first sight,” writes Crenshaw in her 1996 book, “The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships”. But, scientists agree that the effects of PEA don’t last forever. Consider this – you are really drugged in the early days of the relationship. You can’t see clearly – literally. So you really need to not make any long term decisions about coupling while PEA is running rampant in your system. - Fear.
You could make the argument that numbers 1 – 4 are all iterations of fear and you would be right. Any time we think we are going to miss out on something, can’t wait to have something we want, or don’t trust ourselves to be okay without a partner we are acting out of fear. There are two kinds of fear, the “gorilla in the doorway” variety and the “I scare myself” breed. In the natural scheme of things, fear is our warning system. If we walked into our living room and found a gorilla in the doorway, we’d have good cause for alarm. It would be time to get out of a dangerous situation in a major hurry!The “I scare myself” type of fear is an invention. We can make lots of things seem pretty frightening in our minds. We accomplish this by venturing into the future (and you thought time travel was science fiction!) Then we imagine horrific endings for the stories of our lives. We label our creations “the worst case scenarios.” We become convinced that we are doing ourselves a favor by making up these tales. Then we promptly forget that they are manufactured. We believe our account is the truth.
As you date, remember there are flags of many colors. Read our article “How Fast is Too Fast”. It’s not a race to see who gets the checkered flag. In fact, in relationships the checkered flag is earned one day at a time over the long haul.