She’s got a lot to teach us about love.

(Posted by Gayle)

My plan this week was to post some fun blogs.  I have this great sense of humor and it serves me in many ways.  But honestly, I’m not in a funny mood.  I feel overwhelmed by a past I cannot change (yes – I know I can change how I think about it, but I’m just telling you where I am at right this minute – hang in with me.)  I was reading a friend’s blog today and one particular thought of his struck a chord.

A single, clear solid explanation for how things are, should be, is gold. Two solid explanations for how things are, should be, begins to undermine your faith in what you think is a solid explanation. Add a third, and well, I’ll meet you at the bar.  To read his entire post - click here.

I’m ready to meet him in the bar!  I’ve heard it said:

The definition of mental health is being able to resolve mixed feelings about important things.

There is good news and bad news in this definition. Good news and validation in that we all have mixed feelings.  Bad news in that we don’t feel mentally healthy when they aren’t resolved quickly and efficiently.

This is one of those days/weeks/months where I am grappling with my mixed feelings.  I’m struggling about whether or not to let some new acquaintances into my heart.  I’ve said my share of goodbyes in 51 years.  My parents are gone, more than one close friend has “crossed over”, and I decided not to attend my 30th high school reunion because my three best girlfriends and my college roommate were all dead (it’s not that we had stayed close, but it was still just too creepy for me.)

And here I am married to a man 15 years older than me.  I know, I know!  The solution is to focus on the present and stay in the now!  But as you know, some days that is easier said than done. Of course, I wouldn’t change my decision to marry Ron.  We are in our 22nd year of marriage.  If either one of us spontaneously combusted right now (have you seen “Fire Starter”) everyone would say we’ve had a great run – and it’s true – we have!  I just want to keep on running and I know he does too!!

So here is the issue.  Do I let any more people close enough to have a serious impact on the day to day dealings of my life if they die or leave me in some other way?  I remember shortly after my mom died in 2003.  My cat Mystic was crawling all over me.  She was a very needy and loving cat.  She and I had a  special connection.  She was also a drooler (not one of her finer qualities).  On that particular day, she was head butting me and drooling all over me.  She wanted to be petted.  I remember thinking “I don’t want to need her”, but I looked into her green eyes and I dived right in.  I knew I needed to accept her love and give it in return.  If I didn’t, I was choosing to close down my heart.  Not a choice I wanted to make.  She was gone suddenly the next year at the age of 10.  No warning.  Just died in her kitty bed.  It was the worst pet death I have ever experienced.  But I did survive the loss.  I miss her, but I really don’t “grieve” for her anymore.

It’s in the periphery that things get tricky.   By the time you realize you are getting close enough to someone to the feel fear or deep sadness about a potential goodbye it’s too late… so I suppose if I’m asking the question… I’m already toast….

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