How do you stop yourself from falling down the mountain?

Going downhill is supposed to be the easy part.

(Posted by Gayle)

I was hiking down a rocky mountain path.  Going down is supposed to be the easy part.  As a matter of fact, I hiked up the mountain with the intention of leaving something at the top.  I carried my need for perfection and the inevitable self punishment that goes with it up the mountain.  I lived the majority of my life battling those traits.  So I got to the top of one of the tallest peaks in Yellowstone and spent time at 10,000+ feet letting go.  I reviewed many of my choices in life.

My successes came with a cost.  Not what you might typically think.  It was not that I left my family behind or got too caught up in glory.  I did some of that, but the biggest toll was never quite letting myself enjoy the journey.  I could always find the one thing that did not go according to plan.  Then I would use it as a club to beat myself.  I knew I was tired of living that way.  Ron was pained to see how I treated myself.  So in the space of thin air and beautiful vitas, I made a new decision.  I decided to be gentler with myself.  I was going to treat myself more like I would treat a friend.  I was ending the abuse from the critic inside my head.

Ron and I enjoyed a snack before making the descent.  I was in a quiet and thoughtful mood.  I had just made a very serious decision. We began the journey down on the same trail we used to ascend the mountain.  The trail seemed dramatically different.  Our climb had been slow, but not particularly difficult even as we struggled with the altitude.  Breathing was not a problem going down, but footing was.  The trail was cut out of palm sized volcanic rock.  Each footstep required deliberate placement.  The wrong step would land you at the bottom of the mountain in a hurry, but you would not get there in one piece. This had not been an issue on the climb because of two things speed and gravity.  Now speed was not an issue and gravity was.

So there I was the new and improved kinder, gentler Gayle and I was freaking out. The more fearful I became the madder I got. My inner critic took the opportunity to launch her assault.

“Going down is supposed to be easier Gayle!  You are an idiot. You can’t even go down the damn mountain right.  Look at Ron!  He is fifteen years older than you and he isn’t having any problems.  Damn my parents! They raised me in Chicago and never took me out into the country.  They didn’t place any importance on physical activities.  If I had ever spent anytime in the woods as a kid I would be able to do this without thinking!  I can’t believe…”

“Whoa.  Slow down.  Didn’t you just leave your need to punish yourself at the top of that mountain? Did I just hear myself blaming my parents for this?  This is not being gentle with yourself!  “Stop it.”  And the diatribe ended.

Was I successful in leaving my need to punish myself at the top of the mountain? Stop and answer this question right now.  How you answer it will tell you something.  What is the verdict?  How do you think I did?

I was incredibly successful. Reason being – I caught myself and stopped the abuse.  The perfectionist will tell you that I failed because the diatribe started again at the first opportunity.  That is how it works for a perfectionist.  Once you make the mistake, it is too late.  You have already blown it.  Perfectionists do not usually see themselves as perfectionists.  They will tell that they do not do things perfectly.  That is the whole issue.  They think there is somebody else out there who is doing it right from the beginning.  They could only see my mountain descent as a success if I never started beating myself up in the first place.

The trip down continued to be scary and slow going.  I had to think about each step I took.  The best strategy I found was to only think about the very next step.  If I looked too far down the path it became daunting and certainly seemed bigger than me.  I was relieved to get to the bottom, but I knew my decision had been reinforced with every step taken.

When I left the perfection at the top of the mountain, I was still shrouded in my perfectionist delusion.  I had planned to not beat myself up again.  What I learned that day was when you stop punishing yourself it means just that – YOU STOP over and over again. Thinking I would never start the punishment again was unrealistic.  The success came from stopping.  In the years since then, I have adjusted the brakes.  They stop me faster.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship, is make yourself a better you.  There more to MayDecemberSecrets than just May and December!  If you like it, share it!

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