… But my December appears to be on the mend!

Posted by Gayle

Doggie Depression

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and with the exception of two pretty depressed Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys, the news is good.  Ron had his best day yet today.  This was totally unexepected as it was the day after surgery number 2.  He seems to have turned a huge corner.  I say “seems” because this has been such a roller coaster ride, I’m hesitant to get my hopes too high.  The reason for the dramatic change?  Probably a couple of factors.  First, the nasty, icky, stuff that infection is made of has been removed from his knee.  Second, he’s off of the 10 mg. morphine injections every three hours and now has a pain pump filled with dilaudid.  Less medicine is administered more often. This means he’s lucid!!!  Ron bypassed being a flower child in the 60′s and his experience with getting high generally involved an airplane.  Mass quantities of opitates do not make him funny, goofy, or cute.  They make you think he is dying.

Other good news includes the fact that the antibiotics are working and the almost certain probablity that when he is released he will actually come home!  A new doctor was introduced into the mix (the Rehabilitation Specialist) and it seems the hospital has an intensive physical therapy program he can do as an inpatient.  Since he’s going to be a “guest” in the hospital for several more days, it would be fabulous for him to start rebuilding his strength in the on-site Physical Therapy Clinic.  One thing I know for sure… those who work with him,  will earn their wings!  The word cantankerous comes to mind .  Of course I mean this in the most complimentary of ways.  I saw an Occuptational Therapist working with him the other day and she wasn’t taking any of his guff.  I was so impressed, I  almost asked her to be a sister wife.

Bonus Daughter #3 (or #2 depending on how you count), arrived in Dallas today for a 3 day visit.  She volunteered not only to sit with her Dad while I was working,  she offered to help with things here at home.  I’m wondering if cleaning out my closets and garage would consititute therapeutic aid?

Yes my sense of humor is returning, but evidently my smile hasn’t.  I almost cried tonight when Ron told me he was looking forward to the day when my smile returned.  I’ve done a lot of introspection and what I discovered is that I feel like I am about 8 years old when I wake up in the morning.  I feel little.  I am alone and I am scared.  The fear isn’t of just one thing or really anything specific.  It’s generalized fear and insecurity.  By the time I finish my shower and start my first session of the day, the adult Gayle has returned.  I am hoping this awareness will help me do a better job understanding what’s happening in the morning.  It can be so hard to comfort and soothe oneself. And yet the ability is key to our survival and the survival of our marriages.  David Schnarch talks about this in his books Passionate Marriage and Intimacy and Desire.  His research indicates that the ability to soothe oneself and quiet your own mind and heart is critical to the success of your relationship.

I am the first to raise my hand and say that I  depend too heavily on validation from Ron to soothe me and quiet my mind and heart.  I can clearly see an “opportunity” to learn better how to do this for myself as a result of this situation.  What’s extraordinary about this awareness is that the concept was presented to me by David Schnarch himself last Wednesday night at SMU only a few hours before Ron ended up in the ER.  We left the lecture a few minutes early because Ron’s pain was soaring.  Some troubling experiences in the last couple of years left me questioning one of my fundamental beliefs…. what we call serendipity is really sychronicity. If my faith in sychronicity is restored as a result of Ron’s hellish infection, this whole experience will soon end up on my gratitude list!

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  In this moment, I feel optimistic (and very tired.)   I will continue to pray for peace and the willingness to  do what must me done with a grateful heart.

Night folks….  dreamland is calling.

Reflections on Resilience

Posted by Gayle

I’ve posted a lot today. I wasn’t posting that much before Ron’s staph infection became apparent.  Why would I start with such a vengeance now?

Age-gap couples listen up.  Hell anyone in a relationship listen up.  Okay if you are alive on this planet and interact with any other humans listen up!

Control is an illusion – a necessary illusion, but an illusion nonetheless.  I’m not in Japan today and honestly I’d rather be right here – the younger wife of an older man with a nasty staph infection that is bringing him enormous pain.  But Ron and I have something in common with the people of Japan and so do you.  Your whole life can change in an instant.  I happen to think it’s best not to focus on that everyday.  If I did, I would be scared silly.  Am I scared today?  Yes…. very.  So why am I blogging?  To feign control.  I find it comforts me.

I’m tired and I don’t much feeling like exploring all the potential blessing that might come from our situation although I do believe there will be some.  But this tired human woman wants to go to bed and at the same time is afraid of that bed… it is empty.  My husband isn’t in it.  I left him (finally) well sedated in a hospital room.  I’ve got quite a few more nights alone in my bed.  I’ve made mistakes today, I done a few things right, I coped the best I could, I loved him, and I even wondered if I really meant to sign up for all this.

Honestly, what I signed up for were the good times.  I heard the vow about “for better or worse”, but until you get some years under your married (or committed relationship) belt you have no idea just how bad worse can be….thankfully.  Just like you probably don’t want to know the date of your death, you really don’t want to know about worse either.

However I do want you to know about one thing.  It is the gift of resilience.   We humans are innately resilient. Resiliance gets us through things we never thought we could endure.  If you’re in your relationship or even just your life for the long haul, then learn to recognize and trust your reslience.  It’s there for you even when you don’t believe it is.  I saw my rock whimper like a small child today.  I hope he doesn’t remember it.  I always will, but even as he whimpered I knew he would survive.  Why?  Because I’ve seen his resilience in action and I trust him to find it even when he doesn’t believe he can.

You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.

Elizabeth Edwards
May She Rest in Peace

Posted by Gayle

The crutch is still in the car from last week’s trip to the ER.

A/K/A The virtue of patience (not patients!)

Posted Gayle

“The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
— Brother David Steindl-Rast

This year I chose a single new year’s resolution – more JOY in the journey.  Then, in January,  Ron had surgery for his deviated septum.  All in all it wasn’t too bad of  an experience.  Yeah, I fell off the joy wagon for a few days, but I hopped right back up there.  By our annual Oscar gathering I had even seen all 10 of the nominated films.  I even felt some “joy-momentum.”

And now I’m sitting in the hosptial, I’m not sure what date it actually is, but I’m pretty sure it’s March.  March Madness for this May-December couple has nothing to do with football.  If you aren’t up-to-date on the Staph Saga, you can read more here.

And… I just watched them wheel Ron off for his second surgery in seven days just a few mintues ago.  I’m not exactly feeling the joy right now, but I remembered the above quote.  So… here is my gratitude list:

• The love Ron and I share and have shared for more than 25 years.
• The support I had from my mother all the time she was on earth.  I’m a lucky “May”.  My mother embraced my “December” with open arms from the moment she met him.  I never had to deal with her disapproval like so many of you have.
• MY BONUS KIDS.  They are the bravest group of human beings I know.  Their step-monster (I’m smiling…look it’s working, that’s a hint of joy) is only a few years older than the oldest of them.  They didn’t ask for me, they didn’t want me, and me being in their lives had absolutely nothing to do with any actions on their part.  They were the innocents.  For a group of siblings to endure the loss of their parent’s marriage and actually come to love and respect their Dad’s wife is a testament of their love for their Dad (and of course to my awesomeness…ooops more joy just slipped out.)
• And then those bonus kids went forth and multiplied.  They are really good at multiplication.  I guess they paid close attention to their studies in 3rd grade.  They have blessed Ron and I with 13.9 amazing grandchildren.  I know all grandmothers brag about their grandhildren, but for me it’s a little different.  I didn’t nothing to earn grandchildren and yet I am loved by them.  The word “step” never enters into their minds.  So if you are wondering whether or not you want to take on a step-family, it might just be the biggest blessing you will ever receive in your life.  And please remember this…. be kind to them.  Respect them.  Allow them to have their own feelings about you.  Heck I don’t care if you are even younger than the oldest of them, you MUST BE AN ADULT!
• My friends love me and are standing by us and I am grateful for that.  I’m a better wife than friend, yet they still love me and they love Ron too.
• And then there is the laundry list of things for which I am grateful… good doctors, hard working nurses, pain medications, excellent antibiotics, health insurance, my MacBook Air (it’s winning us points with the nursing staff), and my all too fabulous iPhone.  That phone has helped me stay in touch with all the people who care and want to know how things are.

A doctor friend of mine (an old boyfriend actually – Ron is not the jealous type) told me I was going to need to learn patience to deal with Ron’s staph infection (is that why we are called patients?)  And you know what?  I’m not really very patient (I’ve snapped at Ron twice when he was in pain, we’re not even a week in, and I have kicked my own ass for doing it repeatedly – so for the ass kicking isn’t working, but Ron’s love is.)

They took him to surgery 82 minutes ago.

83 mintues ago…

84 minutes ago…

85 minutes ago…

You’ll know more when I do.  I’ll post an update witht the deets in a comment to this post.

Oh wait ONEMOREHUGETHINGTOADDTOTHEGRATITUDELIST!!!!

You!  If one word of any of this helps you in anyway, then I can thank all that is for my voice.

Ron with "Motor Mouth" at Yellowstone in 2008

And sometimes things get worse, way worse, before they get better.

Posted by Gayle

Image via Wikipedia

Strange timing that Ron’s last post was about where his ashes would be spread.  When I originally read his post, it made me smile.  Not so much today.  Today this May-December couple is battling a formidable opponent.  Staph.  Yes the dreaded…

“MSSA stands for Methicillin-Sensitive Staphylococcus aureus and refers to all of the antibiotic-sensitive strains of Staph aureus, a common bacteria that can cause a wide variety of infections both in hospital and community environments. In other words, MSSA is the common type of Staph aureus that causes most Staph aureus infections and can be treated with penicillin-type antibiotics.”

MSSA has taken up residence in Ron’s left knee.  You’ll note in the definition above, this variety of Staph aureus can be treated with penicillin-type antibiotics.  That would be fine and dandy if Ron hadn’t almost died when he was 12ish from a penicillin shot.

FYI when MSSA decides to colonize in one’s knee, it means surgery to wash the infection out.  In this case it means two surgeries, for him in less than one week. They don’t want staph getting into his bone.  He’s been in the hospital since 7:45 am last Thursday.  It started out innocently enough on a Saturday.  His knee started to swell.  Nothing too out of the ordinary for a guy with osteo-arthritis.  A trip to his orthopod a couple of days later and the knee was drained and a welcome cortisone shot was injected.  Ruh rho Scooby.  Cortisone weakens your immune system…. not the best approach when MSSA is colonizing in the joint, but the sneaky bastards were not making themselves know just yet.  Basically the cortisone was the equavialent of a “move in free sign” hanging out front of a seedy apartment complex.

I can fill your head with medical details and maybe I will in the days to come, but what’s on my mind beside my husband’s health is how much a May-December couple dread serious illness in the older person.  Clearly I’m getting what I deserve – right?   I knew he was 15 years older than me when I married him, I should have expected medical maladies!  And of course I did worry about them.  I suppose it ran through Catherine Zeta Jones’ mind too when Michael Douglas got diagnosed with cancer.  I’m not sure Jackie Kennedy worried about being a widow when she married John F.  Let me remind you (and me) of this…same aged couples deal with life threatening issues too.  Age is only a number and MSSA could give a crap what the age of its host is…. it’s an equal opportunity bacteria.

It’s been a roller coaster.  One day we were relieved that the infection was caught quickily, in another day or two he was being tested to see if he might have staph in his heart valves which would mean open heart surgery.  We were elated to get the news that his heart was clear.  A day later his othopod (I’ve nicknamed him Dr. McHotStuff – yes he could be on Grey’s Anatomy and all the nurses know exactly who I am talking about when I call him that) was ready to send him home and 24 short hours later McHotStuff said “your surgery will be tomorrow be at 3 or 4pm.”

By the time I made it to the hospital, Ron and I were both in tears.  I snapped at him and immediately wanted to kick myself.  This is the first day I’ve worked since the whole debacle began.  Suddenly, I was cancelling clients…. AGAIN…. so I could be in the surgical waiting room while they cut him open AGAIN.

But here is what I want…you the couple with an age gap….you the couple who just got married….you the person who is wondering if an age gap relationship is right for you to know…

Ron and I have been married almost 25 years.  If the grim reaper were to show up (please don’t), I’ve had the marriage of lifetime.  Is 25 years enough?  Hell no!!  But if you could spend 10 years or 20 years or 30 years with a person you love, respect, have fun with,  are committed to, and have a family with how on earth could you find fault with that?  Yes you could find grief with that, but I know a thing or two about grief.  When my 40 year old best friend died and left his 34 year old partner behind it didn’t have a damn thing to do with their age gap.  When my bonus-daughter’s friend died only a couple of weeks after giving birth to her second child thus leaving two children and a husband behind it didn’t have a damn thing to do with their age gap.

It’s about love people.  That’s really all Ron and I are writing about in this blog…love.  When it knocks on your door  blows your door wide open you may as well go ahead and answer its call.

Tonight we cried together in the hospital. Ron is scared about the pain he knows he’s about to endure again (the first surgery was very painful  - the second surgery has been promised to be worse.)  I cried because he was crying and I cried because don’t know how I’m going do everyting that needs to be done and work at the same time.  A client of mine I love dearly recently taught me that you can do more than you ever imagined when your husband is ill.  You don’t how you are going to do it…. you just do it. (Actually, I told her that –  but she taught that it was true.)  She wasn’t always graceful.  She wasn’t superhuman.  She didn’t bake pies and don an apron to make things tidy for him.  As a matter of fact life got real messy for her (by the way, their age difference was only year or two.)  But what she did do was put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on – even when she was sure she couldn’t.  Today she’s my hero and my role model (yes dear it’s true

I’ll be using this blog to do two things… share about our experience and keep the many people who care informed about his progress.  Check back often for updates.  And send a warm wish, a prayer, and/or a kind thought Ron’s way.  You can leave you well wishes for him as comments.  I’ll make sure he sees them.

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