What?  (Posted by Ron)

OK, this is another post about our new favorite television show, Modern Family.  Jay, always the frugal December takes Gloria, the hot May to view two above ground crypts that are only three slots down from a famous gangster.  The young wife, Gloria, is not a bit ready to deal with death and refuses to have the discussion.  The subject of Gloria remarrying after Jay dies also comes up.  Of course they assume Jay will die first.  After all, he is the December.

Back at home, Jay gives Gloria an empty coffee can to use to keep his ashes on the mantle.  His ulterior motive is that the “putz” that Gloria marries will have to stare at his ashes.  Yes, Modern Family is a comedy, but it is one of the most popular television shows, indicating to me that Gayle and I aren’t the only ones interested in May-December relationships.

We often get questions about the risks a younger partner takes when entering into an age-gap relationship.  Who will die first?  Will the younger partner have to take care of an aging partner who can no longer care for him/herself?  These are definitely legitimate questions that should be examined.  Not, however, as Jay did by taking Gloria to a cemetery.

There will be no coffee cans on the mantle in the home of Ron and Gayle.  Many years ago we had conversations about our deaths and how we would handle burial.  We both came to the conclusion that cremation made sense and that we wished to have our ashes sent over the Lower Falls of the Yellowstone River, one of the most beautiful places on earth.  The ashes of our friend Fred and several of our beloved pets have already taken that trip.  (It’s not exactly legal, by the way.)  Our trust documents have instructions for our burial.

Planning makes sense in any relationship.  It’s really no more important in an age-gap relationship that one in which the partners are close in age.  There are no guarantees who will leave this life first.  We’ve also planned for care as we age.  Neither of us wishes to be an unnecessary burden on the other so we’ve had long-term care insurance for several years.

Modern Family is fun to watch.  It points out more problems that solutions, however, so you have to pick and choose what you take away from it.  I love watching it because in many ways it is a microcosm of our own lives.  There won’t be coffee cans for us, though.  The Lower Falls beckon.

My Scar - 7 months later

Posted by Gayle

Today is the 1 year anniversary of having surgery on my neck for a bone spur and bulging disc. I was in the operating room under general anesthesia, even as I write, last year at this time. The story leading up to the events is less interesting than what happened after. Before, simply put, I was in pain and had been on and off for two months. Bad pain. Nerve pain. A pain that doesn’t give a crap about Vicodin.

As I look at my life today, the landscape is vastly different. Some people have come, others have gone, and the standby group of old faithfuls are still here. What I’ve realized is that taking care of myself is only optional if I am willing to live with the negative consequences of being “hurried, worried, and stressed” much of the time. Going to Yoga 2 or 3 nights a week at 8pm means less time with Ron during the week. In order for us to survive less togetherness during the week, we have found ways to more present with each other when we finally do share time together on the weekends. At times we fail miserably, but we always manage to find our way to each other. Some nights it’s hard to walk out the door at 7:30pm knowing he’ll eat dinner and begin relaxing without me. But not getting the exercise I need with regularity is no longer an option for me. It just costs too much!

Prior to my surgery, walking was my primary form of exercise. I was passionate about it. That passion has never returned. I miss it. I don’t know if I’m scared to try it again or if I just love yoga so much that I give my time to the hot room instead of my neighborhood streets. Rather than obsess about it or try to spend time figuring out my motivations…. I just do what comes naturally and I give thanks that something related to exercise actually comes naturally!

Laughter has returned to my life. The good laugh until your belly hurts or you almost pee your pants laughing. At 53 “almost” peeing ones pants is a blessing. That means you didn’t actually wet your pant and have not need for panty liners (or God forbid – Depends) and I am crossing my fingers, legs, arms, and toes that yoga will help my bladder retain is northward position. Other things are heading south, please, please, please…. not my bladder. Okay? During the time of recovery I lost touch with a few of the usual suspects in my life. It’s been hard to accept that for whatever reason those relationships didn’t bounce back as well as my neck did. All I know is that I wasn’t myself, I made some big mistakes, and life goes on whether you are yourself or not. Consequences always follow action (or inaction). I’m a walking billboard for “Everything is life is a choice and every choice has a consequence.”

Looking back, I can see that essentially I put myself in timeout for most of 2010. I needed time to recover both physically and even more so emotionally. At some point, the time out felt more like a dark cave, but it was where I needed to be. Actually it was the only place I could be. Thankfully, I have always been able to work and set myself aside during those hours. Work was in many ways therapeutic. It was a welcome routine, familiar and safe. On the other hand, I wasn’t really able write. It didn’t seem like I had anything to say that wasn’t dark, self-reflective, or downright self-indulgent. So most of my writing and blogging went by the wayside. I missed it. I wanted it back. So what am I doing right now? Writing. That’s a victory in and of itself.

In early March of 2010, I was released by the doctor to return to my life. Rather than physical therapy he strongly urged me to do yoga. I followed his instructions. I had no desire to re-injure myself or grow another bone spur. So far so good. In late July, I checked in with him about roller coasters. His advice? Go… get out of here…. if you can find a coaster to ride this afternoon do it!” Some of you may remember, my neurosurgeon is a rockstar, who looks like Rod Stewart (and yep I’ve got a crush on him.) When I hopped on the Titan with my favorite 16 year old who is also my long time roller coaster buddy, I felt triumphant.

As 2010 faded into 2011, I found myself a little lighter and a bit more optimistic. Hope began to find her way back to me. I like hanging out with Hope. I miss her terribly when she goes on sabbatical. I am reminded of a line from the movie Hope Floats. I used it in eulogy for a dear friend. Even ten years later it still resonates…

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s at the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will. -Birdee From the movie Hope Floats (1998)

Me... after my first hot yoga class

Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

I guess not since my body really is getting older (a post by Ron)

We celebrated Christmas with our friend Sheri the other night and one of the gifts she gave me was a pair of “arthritis” gloves.  You wear them and the heat is supposed to help with pain in your knuckles.  OK, I do have some arthritis – in my fingers and knees and – stop it!  The problem I have with the gloves is that they really do help.  I would much rather just pretend the arthritis wasn’t happening.  And then there was the shirt she got me that said something about putting the Zen into senior citizen.  I think I need to talk to her.

I recently celebrated my 68th birthday.  Yep, my body is 68 years old.  My spirit is not.  I love the joke I saw recently about the “older” man with the 20 year old inside yelling “what the f… happened?”  I don’t remember getting to be this age but it doesn’t really matter.  I think a good age is the one you are at right now.  The arthritis is not bad and can be controlled.  Losing weight has certainly helped my knees.  My attitude about life keeps my spirit younger than my body.  Maybe 68 is the new 20!  OK, maybe not, but I still like bringing out the 20 year old to see how life really is at my “good” age.

By the way.  Gayle wanted to try on my glove last night to see if it would help her hand.  I guess she should talk with Sheri about that.

I have no idea, but it made sense to Earnest, my alter ego, when he wrote this post in his blog:

(Posted by Ron)

Every now and then I like to bring in a post that was originally written by Earnest.  I try to pick the ones that actually fit the May-December subject.  Earnest’s reference to Andy Rooney in this and other of his posts fits the December aspect of our blog.  One of my few nods to aging is that my actions sometimes remind me of Andy Rooney.  As I’ve gotten older I believe I have gotten even more opinionated – or at least more willing to express them.  Here’s Earnest’s post.

I made this note one night when I was watching Letterman. I no longer remember the connection to Dave but that doesn’t matter. Did you know that Cracker Jacks were first sold at the World’s Columbian Exposition, Chicago’s first world fair, in 1893. Now, that statistic comes from the Cracker Jack website so it must be right. It wasn’t really marketed and trademarked as Cracker Jacks until 1896.

Did you know (sorry Elliot) that Cracker Jacks were immortalized in 1908 when Jack Norworth wrote the lyrics to “Take Me Out To The Ballgame?” Of course you all know the phrase “buy me some popcorn and Cracker Jacks” in that song.

Even I’m not old enough to remember when these things happened (I’ve heard John McCain may be, though.) Here’s what I do remember – OK, this is going to be an Andy Rooney moment.

When I was a kid Cracker Jacks came in a tightly sealed and waxed box. I can remember how difficult it was to tear through that waxed paper without a knife. Teeth just slid across the wax. The seal on the bottom of the box, where the toy was hidden, was even worse but the toy was worth the work to retrieve it. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Cracker Jacks, but the toys back then were the best (whatever they were.)

So, why is this going to be an Andy Rooney moment? Simple. Those marvelous toys of the past are gone. What do you get now? Something made out of paper. They aren’t toys, they are throwaways. I still eat Cracker Jacks but I surely don’t eat as many as when I was a kid. What’s the point? They are only candied popcorn and peanuts. Where are the toys of old (whatever they were?) What’s more, Cracker Jacks now come in bags! Where’s the challenge to opening them?