Building Better Boundaries (part 3)

(Posted by Ron)

I will not protect your boundaries for you. Your friends, relatives and relationship partners won’t protect your boundaries for you. Maintaining them is your responsibility, not ours. In fact, you are the only one who can know your boundaries well enough to maintain them. Are you willing to do that much for yourself?

The following five ways to protect your boundaries are by no means all of the ways that exist. However, read them carefully. You might find they will take you a long way towards creating and maintaining the boundaries that have been missing in your life.

1.  Know Your Boundaries:

I can hear it now. “If I knew my boundaries I wouldn’t be in this situation!” Well, you just took the first step in knowing them. Sometimes it’s hard to admit your part in not having what you need to feel safe. Setting boundaries is about creating your own safety. Many people wander through life as victims, using their victimization in lieu of boundaries to help them feel safe. That may sound strange, but remember how we’ve been taught to not kick someone while they are down and it will make more sense.

Others build walls. Safety for them lies in keeping others away. Anger, blaming, pushing others away. All of these are walls. These walls are all built on fear. They fear others. They fear themselves. But mostly, they fear letting others into their lives.  They may say they have “trust issues” and indeed they would be right.  But the source of their distrust is NOT others – it is self.  When you don’t trust yourself to know and protect your boundaries, you will NEVER be able to trust others.

You have choices. A choice for change will require you to make substantial changes from who you have been. You do have the choice to stay where you are, though. I hope the fact you are still reading means you are making a choice to change.

How do you know your boundaries?

• Take time for an honest inventory of what’s missing or negatively present in your life.
• If you need help getting started, review the lists in the second boundaries post, but don’t limit yourself to those.
• Then practice.  With work you will create your own. By knowing what’s missing you begin to identify the boundaries you need.

2.  NO!

For years I have taught that NO is a complete sentence, and it is. I still believe it to be the primary solution to boundary problems even though I’ve listed it as the second of the five ways to protect your boundaries. After all, if you don’t know your boundaries how can you know when to say no? NO may be second, but once you identify your boundaries it will protect you unlike anything else. When you can say no to people or situations that might harm you physically, emotionally, sexually or spirituality, you become safer and happier.

So, you have figured out at least a few boundaries that are missing in your life. Now, all you have to do is begin saying NO when appropriate. How do you decide when and how?

3.  Set Limits

That sounds so easy. It’s not. What should you limit? How are your friends, relatives and partners going to react to those limits?

• “Try on” the feeling of living within the limits you want to set.
• Proceed throughout the day experiencing the feeling of these limits.
• “Act as if” they are real for as much of the day as possible.

Do you begin to feel safer and happier as you do this?  Keep in mind that some of the people around you are the ones who need for you to remain without boundaries. You may have been filling needs for them that you won’t once you take back control.

We teach our children how to set physical limits to help protect them from predators. We even teach our pets to respect boundaries that we set for them. Isn’t it amazing when the individuals in our lives with the worst boundaries is us? It’s time to change that.

4.  Retrain Your Robots

We teach others how to treat us. Gayle and I call it “training your robots.”  Imagine for a minute that you just found out all of the “people” in your life right now are actually very sophisticated “robots”.  The kicker being – you have programed each of the robots to do everything they do and say.  Meaning you taught them exactly how to treat you.   If you live as a victim, your robots have been trained to either feel sorry for you,  take advantage of you, and/or leave you.  If you live as a person who is surrounded by walls, it’s likely you’ve trained your “robots” to fear or avoid you. If you have developed strong and well-defined boundaries you will likely have trained your “robots” to respect you and your boundaries.

It may take a while to convince others of your resolve as you identify your boundaries and begin to set limits. You can probably expect resistance from some of your well-trained “robots”. Keep in mind – it is you who trained them.  The good news is that is is never too late to teach an old “robot” new tricks.  You can retrain them, but only when you are consistent can retraining succeed.

5.  Create Boundaries, Not Walls

Create boundaries that are appropriate to each situation. For instance the outer limits of my personal space are much wider with friends than with Gayle and even more spacious with someone I just met.  Poor boundaries can easily become walls if you restrict all of your space out of fear, anger, or mistrust.

Your boundaries will be clear to you and others. With time and practice you and those with whom you come in contact will be aware of the limits you set. It’s not unusual for those limits to be felt by others without you having to tell them.  When you feel and believe in your boundaries you project an energetic field of protection. However it happens, people feel that energy. On the other hand I know people who project a very rigid “wall or nothing” aura. It is a clearly defined “keep away” type of energy when felt by others.

Your boundaries are firm. You decide how, when, where and to what degree to enforce them. They aren’t walls and yet you feel the protection. You allow a free flow of ideas, feelings, and emotions between you and others and feel safe inside your own skin. If you continue to feel afraid, disconnected, angry, and etc., you are still hiding behind your walls. Try something else, such as just “acting as if” and see how this works for you.

And finally, never be afraid to say NO!
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I learned that sometimes being selfish is a worthy goal. Finally, I was selfish enough to see that I had to stop talking and start listening – especially when we were fighting. If I wanted her to hear me maybe I needed to hear her. I was selfish enough to see she was often right about a point of contention between us and to admit her being right did not diminish me. I was selfish enough to see that it was OK for her to have a life outside of us. I was selfish enough to tell her when I was angry with her and not wait for days or weeks or never. I was selfish enough to listen to her anger without being defensive. I was selfish enough to stop telling myself I knew more than she did. I loved her selfishly enough to do what it took to make our marriage work.

Relationships! They are a pain in the ass sometimes. Good ones are wonderful lots of the time. They are also boring at times. Bad ones can destroy you if you let them. If you want your relationship to grow and be fulfilling, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to adjust to your partner’s changes and the changes in the relationship as it matures. You have to be willing to be selfish.

As my mom and dad neared the end of their days they finally began to interact with me as an adult and not just their baby. They each began to talk with me about their life together. I learned from mom that she didn’t always like her role. She felt it never ended and she never got a rest. She felt she was taken for granted by all of us and often ignored by dad. I learned from my dad that they often argued and that mom was a difficult woman with whom to live. He told me there were times he just wanted to leave, but that wasn’t an option in the “innocent” times. So, they stayed together for more than sixty years. They reached an accommodation and became companions. I don’t think they were ever intimate in the way I have come to know it. I do believe they had what my couples clients must have for success. They loved each other.

Gayle and I are friends, companions, lovers, peers, business partners and are still learning true intimacy. How? By no longer asking why we need to change. We just do. We understand that if one of has an issue with the other – we BOTH have a problem. We learn to change because we are selfish. We know what we want and to keep having what we want we are willing to change. Stagnation isn’t an option for us. By changing how we experience life and each other we are new individuals each day and our relationship is constantly transmuted

Why do you need to change – because you want to be happy. It’s really that simple.

When Ron and I met we were both smokers. A few years later I quit and within a few months Ron did too. Over time cigarettes found their way back into our lives (okay, we found them) and we became full time smokers (addicts) again. Neither of us had any delusions about smoking. We knew the health consequences and each professed a desire to be smoke free. I smoked my last cigarette in early 1992. This time Ron did not quit. He made attempts, but continued to wrestle with it for another eleven years. He no longer smoked in the house and sometimes even hid it from me. Mostly he just kept me out of it. When he began having blood pressure problems in the mid-nineties, I became adamant that he quit smoking NOW. I knew I was right.

He knew I was right too, but that didn’t make it easier for him to quit. What started out as a heartfelt plea to my husband became nagging. The nagging morphed into bitching and the bitching became unadulterated harassment. I felt vindicated. The surgeon general was on my side, his doctors were on my side, for the most part society was on my side, and his children were on my side.

I was right and I knew it, but being right wasn’t making me happy. What were my choices? I could leave him (physically and/or emotionally) or I could practice some acceptance. I did neither for the majority of the time. I stayed in my “rightness” and judged the hell out of him. One of the most painful memories I have was telling him that I thought he was weak because he continued to smoke. Talk about a self-righteous bitch. He was battling an addiction and I invalidated him over and over again. I have since asked for and been given his forgiveness, but I am still sad when I remember how I acted.

In the year or two before he quit smoking, I finally began to set better boundaries for myself. I was never happy about his smoking, but I agonized less. I searched and found ways to reduce (I didn’t say quit) my need to control him. I found more acceptance for his struggle and knew it was not my battle to fight. I never did it perfectly, but I was happier and so was he.

How did I do it? I practiced what we “preached” in our blogs “Selfishness Always Gets a Bad Rap” and Come Grow Selfisher With Me. I selfishly decided my happiness was more important than my need to right. I focused on what worked in my life and in our life and I did a lot of praying…

In March of 2003 he made the choice for himself to smoke his last cigarette.

So many recurring problems in relationships boil down to our need to be right. It’s a universal problem with or without a significant age gap. I think the age difference just gives us another justification for our position. Statements such as “You don’t have as much experience as I” or “times have changed and you are stuck in the past” come to mind.

I would love to tell you it was my time spent as a counselor that taught me how to work with and resolve these issues, but I can’t. Most of what I learned was from the time I spent in counseling (both with and without Ron). I wish I’d learned some of the lessons sooner, but I’m grateful to have learned them at all.

I remember early in the relationship arguing with Ron about cleaning the house. I wanted more help. He began stepping up and making it happen, but I didn’t like the way he loaded the dishwasher. I don’t even remember what I thought he was doing wrong. I just remember complaining in a very condescending way and of course, he got angry. I didn’t think he was right (or had a right) to be angry. I thought he just needed to follow my directions. After all, he was a man so I knew more about washing dishes than he did!

I was getting what I wanted, but I wasn’t happy because I didn’t get it exactly as I wanted it. Every time I saw how he loaded the dishes it really teed me off. What was his problem? I was asking for something simple. “If you are going to help out and do the dishes, then do them the right way. After all, if you will just let me show you exactly what I want it won’t take you any longer. What’s the big deal?”

Dishes are just dishes. It’s not usually a life or death situation but committed relationships have ended over smaller things. It would be more clear cut in a real matter of life and death – wouldn’t it? Ponder that for a bit – there’s more on this subject tomorrow.

My first wife and I married when I was 18. My parents didn’t have a great deal of advanced notice. I was home from Navy boot camp when she and I decided to marry during my two week leave. I can recall my mother following me from the front porch to the card yelling that I was not getting married. I was too young!

My ex and I were married almost a quarter century. In that period of time my mother and the rest of my family took her into the family without reservation. Needless to say our divorce did not sit well with them.

When we separated and I began the divorce proceedings I called my parents to tell them. Although I was no longer a child mom continued to think of me that way. She told me that I needed to make my marriage work and “forget this divorce foolishness.”

Later, when I told her I was divorced and planned to marry Gayle she said, “she’s only after your big check.” She didn’t even mention the age difference.

Personal boundaries never existed in my family of origin. Mom and dad felt we kids should always toe their line. If we didn’t, we heard about it a lot, primarily from mom. When one of us put our foot down and did what we wanted, mom often complained to all of the other siblings. Everyone always knew what and whom mom was angry about. I knew I was destined to hear a lot from her about my new marriage, but I also knew I was going to keep my boundaries with my family secure.

Mom wasn’t worried that I was 15 years older than Gayle. She wasn’t interested in the size of Gayle’s check. She simply didn’t want to deal with the first divorce in our family. She wanted things to continue the way she wanted them to be. She wasn’t a bad person, she was just scared and confused about the future.

Finally, when she knew she had lost, she brought out the big guns. “Ronnie”, she said, “you can never bring that woman into my home.” That took me by surprise. I had not expected my family to immediately welcome Gayle with open arms. However, I certainly hadn’t expected her to be barred from my home. This was the beginning of major changes in my relationship with my mother. My response to the woman who had borne me and whom I knew loved me dearly was simple and direct. “Mom, she’s my wife and if she’s not welcome in your home then neither am I. I suppose we have seen each other for the last time in this life.”

She didn’t believe me, of course, and continued to ask when I was coming home to see them. I continued to emphasize that I could not come home alone. This continued through the Christmas holiday season. On Christmas day I made a call to mom and dad, as I always did. As usual since my divorce our conversations were uncomfortable. Dad spoke for only a few minutes, as was his usual pattern. Mom and I talked a little longer but I was finally able to begin bringing the conversation to a close. As I told mom goodbye and gave her my love I heard her say something that was totally unexpected. She said, “let me talk to Gayle.”