A new twist on the gratitude list.

Posted by Gayle

A friend of mine noticed I stopped udating the blog.  She knew that meant it must have been a tough week.  And it has been a very long and very tiring week for both of us.  Obviously Ron is having to deal with the hard part – pain and recovery, but he does have better drugs than me!

Ron worked hard all week in the rehabilitation unit.  Hard works means some battles with pain.  A summit was called early the morning of the 21st on Ron’s behalf.  He struggled with pain throughout the weekend and no one was willing to make the call to increase his pain medications until the doctor in charge returned to the unit.  Lions and tigers and bears oh my!!  From what I heard it wasn’t pretty, but it worked.  The medications were adjusted and his pain decreased throughout the day on Monday.  The rest ofthe week, Ron had some good pain days and some bad ones.  He’s been encouraged and discouraged.  But mostly he’s just displayed courage.  He is doing everything that is asked of him (albeit sometimes a bit reluctantly!)

Medically speaking…. the staph is out of his bloodstream, his kidneys are getting happier by the day, the incisions are almost healed, his bandages keep getting smaller and smaller, his knee is still swollen which makes it painful to move, and he’s coming home soon!

At Chateau du Luster-Lambert, things have continued to be…. er…. uh… challenging.  We got his recovery area set up and it’s ready for Ron to come home.  We went shopping for the various sundry items displayed below.  I finally found someone to do yard cleanup for a reasonable prices – YIPPEE!!!  We got weed and feed broadcast over the yard and even watered it in.  And there were several visits to the hospital to keep Ron company.  I’m very grateful to the friend who came and spent last night with me to help me get all of the above done.

Just as a nice glass was calling my name, the flood gates opened (in the house which is never a good thing) and the downstairs bathroom toilet started pouring lots and lots of water on the floor.  A quick call to Ron (a very drugged Ron, pointed me the City’s sewer pipe clean out and we realized The City had a clogged line which was causing water to back up into our house.  I called  the Water Department and within an hour a truck was at the house.  Ron was indeed right about the problem.  The City fixed it and is even coming back tomorrow to run a camera through the line.  That means, other than a helluva mess, the cost to us equals zero dollars and that is PRICELESS!!

In the midst of all this chaos, pain, and uncertainty; I discovered a twist on the traditional gratitude list.  I have been reminded to be grateful for the “have nots.”  The following things HAVE NOT happened and for that I am very grateful:

• open heart surgery for Ron
• kidney failure for Ron
• futher surgery for Ron
• the downstairs flooding did not happen while clients were here
• we did not have call or pay a plumber to fix the mess
• we did not have to pay directly for the urinal, walker balls, or grab bar (thank you flexible spending card)

I say any day you can tell the pharmacist to “put the male urinal on my tab”, it must be a good day!!

Shopping Excursion

Posted by Gayle

It’s been a busy weekend here.  Lots of accomplishements.  Lots of loving help.  A setback or two, but hey that seems to be the “path of staph.”  Ron’s first weekend in the Rehabilitation Unit has been a uphill climb for him.  He had lots of therapies yesterday which have reminded him just how tired he is and how much strength he has to rebuild.  Along with physical therapy comes pain and it’s been a challenge to manage his pain.  The fabulous thing is this unit doesn’t make him beg for medication.  They give it to him at regular intervals.  He doesn’t have to ask for it and they even wake him up to give it to him.  This is a true blessing.  Managing his pain is a high priority.

He’s been sleeping lots and lots.  I’m sure it’s in part due to the medications and also because his body needs to heal. His kidney’s aren’t very happy on the super-duper antibiotic (Vancomycin) they are giving him to kill the staph.  He has a nephrologist watching him everday, reading lab tests, adjusting fulid intake, and changing up his diet.  None of us like to hear the word “nephrologist” – it’s not a very sexy sounding of “ologist” is it?  The bottom line is side effects with Vancomysin are part of the deal and the team on his new unit are on top of things.  When I left him this evening, his night nurse Stephen from Lake Charles, Louisiana was taking over.  Ron used to live in the Big Easy and he and the tall cajun, full-time nurse, part-time Zydeco musician get along really well!   They seemed genuuily happy to see each other.  It was comforting to leave Ron in good hands.

Here at home lots of things have been accomplished too.  The freezer is full of food thanks to Bonus Daughter #3.  That will really help us when he comes home.  Laundry is caught up and the house is ready to become an office again tomorrow!  But the biggest accomplishement of the weekend is what I am calling “the path that love built.”  I’ve been very worried about how we were going to make our cottage accessible for Ron.  Since the cottage is where Ron works and the only place where there is a full bath without going upstairs, he’s going to be spending a lot of time out there.  Our back yard (thanks to lots of trees, an above ground pool, and The Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys) is mostly gravel.  I’ve been fretting about how Ron was going to manage a walker or wheel chair to get out there.  So today one of the calmest most giving men I know spent the entire day building Ron an acessible pathway.  I painted it with patio paint mixed with grit to provide traction.  I’m including a picture in this post.  It looks fabulous and is very sturday.  Ron and I are both filled with gratitude for this loving act of kindneess.

As for the update on our emotions, Ron is getting really antsy and I know he feels like he is being a burden.  I can see the depression developing on his face.  It makes me sad and worried.  I doubt I’ve done much to help with that situation.  There is no way to hide the dark circles forming under my eyes.  I realized this afternoon that it was imperative for me to find my smile when visiting him.  Part of me hates to admit that I’m not instantly smiling when I see him.  I realized today that I am scared everytime I walk in his room after being away.  His pain worries me.  We both have a tremendous sense of being out-of-control.  When he is uncomfortable he is very vocal (you know grunts, groans, moans, etc.)  He told me today this was just part of how he deals with his pain.  I realized that I flinch or get a very sad and concerened look on my face everytime I hear his noises.  So we made a bargain, I would ignore the noises unless he told me I needed to do something for him.  That helped a lot with tonight’s visit.  You don’t even get to stop couples’ negotations when one of you is very sick!  Hardly seems fair, but we are doing are best to work through this one step at a time.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Ron has a long day of therapy.  Friends are taking turns making sure he gets visitors in the late afternoon as my day doesn’t end till 7pm each day.  I’ll be heading up to visit  him when I finish with clients.  Fingers are crossed, oodles of prayers are being said, love is being sent and recieved .  I’m hopeful he’ll be home by the end of the week.  We try to be friendly people, but really the staph is not welcome and we are ready for it to get the hell out of dodge!

The Path That Love Built

What?  (Posted by Ron)

OK, this is another post about our new favorite television show, Modern Family.  Jay, always the frugal December takes Gloria, the hot May to view two above ground crypts that are only three slots down from a famous gangster.  The young wife, Gloria, is not a bit ready to deal with death and refuses to have the discussion.  The subject of Gloria remarrying after Jay dies also comes up.  Of course they assume Jay will die first.  After all, he is the December.

Back at home, Jay gives Gloria an empty coffee can to use to keep his ashes on the mantle.  His ulterior motive is that the “putz” that Gloria marries will have to stare at his ashes.  Yes, Modern Family is a comedy, but it is one of the most popular television shows, indicating to me that Gayle and I aren’t the only ones interested in May-December relationships.

We often get questions about the risks a younger partner takes when entering into an age-gap relationship.  Who will die first?  Will the younger partner have to take care of an aging partner who can no longer care for him/herself?  These are definitely legitimate questions that should be examined.  Not, however, as Jay did by taking Gloria to a cemetery.

There will be no coffee cans on the mantle in the home of Ron and Gayle.  Many years ago we had conversations about our deaths and how we would handle burial.  We both came to the conclusion that cremation made sense and that we wished to have our ashes sent over the Lower Falls of the Yellowstone River, one of the most beautiful places on earth.  The ashes of our friend Fred and several of our beloved pets have already taken that trip.  (It’s not exactly legal, by the way.)  Our trust documents have instructions for our burial.

Planning makes sense in any relationship.  It’s really no more important in an age-gap relationship that one in which the partners are close in age.  There are no guarantees who will leave this life first.  We’ve also planned for care as we age.  Neither of us wishes to be an unnecessary burden on the other so we’ve had long-term care insurance for several years.

Modern Family is fun to watch.  It points out more problems that solutions, however, so you have to pick and choose what you take away from it.  I love watching it because in many ways it is a microcosm of our own lives.  There won’t be coffee cans for us, though.  The Lower Falls beckon.

Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

Whatever it is, I’ll bet we’ll figure it out!

(Posted by Ron)

I learned to type on an ancient Underwood typewriter that weighed a ton.  I had to learn to type smoothly to avoid tangling the keys.  I know, most of you probably have no idea what I’m talking about.  Gayle had a little portable that she used – light and in it’s own case.  Except for it’s size it was little different from my Underwood.  Then came computer technology.  Our first disagreement about technology came when we worked together and were choosing the style of word processor (I know, another historical term) our company would use. Read the rest of this entry »