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Sometimes time flies even when you’re not having fun!

Posted by Gayle

Can it possibly be 45 days since Ron found out he had a staph infection in his knee?  In some moments it feels like it happened yesterday.  In other moments it seems like it has been with us forever.  He came home from the hospital on the 29th of March after 19 days in Le Maison Baylor (even using French doesn’t make it glamorous.)  He is recovering and it is a very slow process.   He won’t be back to work until at least the 10th of May and that date is not set in stone. Hard physical therapy started last week and they are definitely of the mind “no pain no gain.”  One of his doctor’s told him with an infection of this magnitude, if rehabilitation doesn’t hurt it’s not working.  Everyone acknowledges it’s a painful process.  I have to admit I really wouldn’t want to trade places with him.  Even with the staph bacteria out of his body, recovery time is unknown.  Staph infections don’t follow any specific trend… except they all make their hosts miserable for a lot longer than anyone believes possible.

Emotionally, it’s challenging for both of us.  For me, I don’t feel like I should be having a hard time because it’s not happening in my body.  Of course if I were talking to a client I would be validating how hard it is to be the caregiver.  I’d be espousing “self-care” too.  But knowing what’s okay and doing what’s right are two different things.  I’ve melted down a couple of times with Ron and amazingly he is able to muster up care and concern for me.  He never plays the “buck up – it’s worse for me than you” card.

He’s had some pretty down days too.  Besides dealing with the pain and weakness (he’s lost 35 pounds since this ordeal began,) he’s bored and lonely.  I’m working during the day and while I’m technically at home with him – I’m not much company.  On the nights I go to yoga, he’s on his way to bed when I return.  He looked at me one day and said “it’s just not fair, I didn’t do anything to deserve this.”  That was a very sad moment.  It’s true. There is no finger to point.  At times like these, you just have to play the hand you are dealt.  And we all know what it’s like to have a crappy hand.

Even with the sadness and the pain, I think we are both fairing pretty well.  The world hasn’t stopped rotating on it’s axis.  Good days follow bad days.  Progress can be measured.  My new favorite saying is… “it is what it is.”  I can wish it were something else and it wouldn’t change a thing.  I could concoct some positive spin, but that would just be a load of bull you-know-what.  So for now (and really always)…. it is what it is.

Related articles

• Staph Infections And Why They Suck (pinkbananaworld.com)

A new twist on the gratitude list.

Posted by Gayle

A friend of mine noticed I stopped udating the blog.  She knew that meant it must have been a tough week.  And it has been a very long and very tiring week for both of us.  Obviously Ron is having to deal with the hard part – pain and recovery, but he does have better drugs than me!

Ron worked hard all week in the rehabilitation unit.  Hard works means some battles with pain.  A summit was called early the morning of the 21st on Ron’s behalf.  He struggled with pain throughout the weekend and no one was willing to make the call to increase his pain medications until the doctor in charge returned to the unit.  Lions and tigers and bears oh my!!  From what I heard it wasn’t pretty, but it worked.  The medications were adjusted and his pain decreased throughout the day on Monday.  The rest ofthe week, Ron had some good pain days and some bad ones.  He’s been encouraged and discouraged.  But mostly he’s just displayed courage.  He is doing everything that is asked of him (albeit sometimes a bit reluctantly!)

Medically speaking…. the staph is out of his bloodstream, his kidneys are getting happier by the day, the incisions are almost healed, his bandages keep getting smaller and smaller, his knee is still swollen which makes it painful to move, and he’s coming home soon!

At Chateau du Luster-Lambert, things have continued to be…. er…. uh… challenging.  We got his recovery area set up and it’s ready for Ron to come home.  We went shopping for the various sundry items displayed below.  I finally found someone to do yard cleanup for a reasonable prices – YIPPEE!!!  We got weed and feed broadcast over the yard and even watered it in.  And there were several visits to the hospital to keep Ron company.  I’m very grateful to the friend who came and spent last night with me to help me get all of the above done.

Just as a nice glass was calling my name, the flood gates opened (in the house which is never a good thing) and the downstairs bathroom toilet started pouring lots and lots of water on the floor.  A quick call to Ron (a very drugged Ron, pointed me the City’s sewer pipe clean out and we realized The City had a clogged line which was causing water to back up into our house.  I called  the Water Department and within an hour a truck was at the house.  Ron was indeed right about the problem.  The City fixed it and is even coming back tomorrow to run a camera through the line.  That means, other than a helluva mess, the cost to us equals zero dollars and that is PRICELESS!!

In the midst of all this chaos, pain, and uncertainty; I discovered a twist on the traditional gratitude list.  I have been reminded to be grateful for the “have nots.”  The following things HAVE NOT happened and for that I am very grateful:

• open heart surgery for Ron
• kidney failure for Ron
• futher surgery for Ron
• the downstairs flooding did not happen while clients were here
• we did not have call or pay a plumber to fix the mess
• we did not have to pay directly for the urinal, walker balls, or grab bar (thank you flexible spending card)

I say any day you can tell the pharmacist to “put the male urinal on my tab”, it must be a good day!!

Shopping Excursion

Posted by Gayle

It’s been a busy weekend here.  Lots of accomplishements.  Lots of loving help.  A setback or two, but hey that seems to be the “path of staph.”  Ron’s first weekend in the Rehabilitation Unit has been a uphill climb for him.  He had lots of therapies yesterday which have reminded him just how tired he is and how much strength he has to rebuild.  Along with physical therapy comes pain and it’s been a challenge to manage his pain.  The fabulous thing is this unit doesn’t make him beg for medication.  They give it to him at regular intervals.  He doesn’t have to ask for it and they even wake him up to give it to him.  This is a true blessing.  Managing his pain is a high priority.

He’s been sleeping lots and lots.  I’m sure it’s in part due to the medications and also because his body needs to heal. His kidney’s aren’t very happy on the super-duper antibiotic (Vancomycin) they are giving him to kill the staph.  He has a nephrologist watching him everday, reading lab tests, adjusting fulid intake, and changing up his diet.  None of us like to hear the word “nephrologist” – it’s not a very sexy sounding of “ologist” is it?  The bottom line is side effects with Vancomysin are part of the deal and the team on his new unit are on top of things.  When I left him this evening, his night nurse Stephen from Lake Charles, Louisiana was taking over.  Ron used to live in the Big Easy and he and the tall cajun, full-time nurse, part-time Zydeco musician get along really well!   They seemed genuuily happy to see each other.  It was comforting to leave Ron in good hands.

Here at home lots of things have been accomplished too.  The freezer is full of food thanks to Bonus Daughter #3.  That will really help us when he comes home.  Laundry is caught up and the house is ready to become an office again tomorrow!  But the biggest accomplishement of the weekend is what I am calling “the path that love built.”  I’ve been very worried about how we were going to make our cottage accessible for Ron.  Since the cottage is where Ron works and the only place where there is a full bath without going upstairs, he’s going to be spending a lot of time out there.  Our back yard (thanks to lots of trees, an above ground pool, and The Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys) is mostly gravel.  I’ve been fretting about how Ron was going to manage a walker or wheel chair to get out there.  So today one of the calmest most giving men I know spent the entire day building Ron an acessible pathway.  I painted it with patio paint mixed with grit to provide traction.  I’m including a picture in this post.  It looks fabulous and is very sturday.  Ron and I are both filled with gratitude for this loving act of kindneess.

As for the update on our emotions, Ron is getting really antsy and I know he feels like he is being a burden.  I can see the depression developing on his face.  It makes me sad and worried.  I doubt I’ve done much to help with that situation.  There is no way to hide the dark circles forming under my eyes.  I realized this afternoon that it was imperative for me to find my smile when visiting him.  Part of me hates to admit that I’m not instantly smiling when I see him.  I realized today that I am scared everytime I walk in his room after being away.  His pain worries me.  We both have a tremendous sense of being out-of-control.  When he is uncomfortable he is very vocal (you know grunts, groans, moans, etc.)  He told me today this was just part of how he deals with his pain.  I realized that I flinch or get a very sad and concerened look on my face everytime I hear his noises.  So we made a bargain, I would ignore the noises unless he told me I needed to do something for him.  That helped a lot with tonight’s visit.  You don’t even get to stop couples’ negotations when one of you is very sick!  Hardly seems fair, but we are doing are best to work through this one step at a time.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Ron has a long day of therapy.  Friends are taking turns making sure he gets visitors in the late afternoon as my day doesn’t end till 7pm each day.  I’ll be heading up to visit  him when I finish with clients.  Fingers are crossed, oodles of prayers are being said, love is being sent and recieved .  I’m hopeful he’ll be home by the end of the week.  We try to be friendly people, but really the staph is not welcome and we are ready for it to get the hell out of dodge!

The Path That Love Built

… But my December appears to be on the mend!

Posted by Gayle

Doggie Depression

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and with the exception of two pretty depressed Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys, the news is good.  Ron had his best day yet today.  This was totally unexepected as it was the day after surgery number 2.  He seems to have turned a huge corner.  I say “seems” because this has been such a roller coaster ride, I’m hesitant to get my hopes too high.  The reason for the dramatic change?  Probably a couple of factors.  First, the nasty, icky, stuff that infection is made of has been removed from his knee.  Second, he’s off of the 10 mg. morphine injections every three hours and now has a pain pump filled with dilaudid.  Less medicine is administered more often. This means he’s lucid!!!  Ron bypassed being a flower child in the 60′s and his experience with getting high generally involved an airplane.  Mass quantities of opitates do not make him funny, goofy, or cute.  They make you think he is dying.

Other good news includes the fact that the antibiotics are working and the almost certain probablity that when he is released he will actually come home!  A new doctor was introduced into the mix (the Rehabilitation Specialist) and it seems the hospital has an intensive physical therapy program he can do as an inpatient.  Since he’s going to be a “guest” in the hospital for several more days, it would be fabulous for him to start rebuilding his strength in the on-site Physical Therapy Clinic.  One thing I know for sure… those who work with him,  will earn their wings!  The word cantankerous comes to mind .  Of course I mean this in the most complimentary of ways.  I saw an Occuptational Therapist working with him the other day and she wasn’t taking any of his guff.  I was so impressed, I  almost asked her to be a sister wife.

Bonus Daughter #3 (or #2 depending on how you count), arrived in Dallas today for a 3 day visit.  She volunteered not only to sit with her Dad while I was working,  she offered to help with things here at home.  I’m wondering if cleaning out my closets and garage would consititute therapeutic aid?

Yes my sense of humor is returning, but evidently my smile hasn’t.  I almost cried tonight when Ron told me he was looking forward to the day when my smile returned.  I’ve done a lot of introspection and what I discovered is that I feel like I am about 8 years old when I wake up in the morning.  I feel little.  I am alone and I am scared.  The fear isn’t of just one thing or really anything specific.  It’s generalized fear and insecurity.  By the time I finish my shower and start my first session of the day, the adult Gayle has returned.  I am hoping this awareness will help me do a better job understanding what’s happening in the morning.  It can be so hard to comfort and soothe oneself. And yet the ability is key to our survival and the survival of our marriages.  David Schnarch talks about this in his books Passionate Marriage and Intimacy and Desire.  His research indicates that the ability to soothe oneself and quiet your own mind and heart is critical to the success of your relationship.

I am the first to raise my hand and say that I  depend too heavily on validation from Ron to soothe me and quiet my mind and heart.  I can clearly see an “opportunity” to learn better how to do this for myself as a result of this situation.  What’s extraordinary about this awareness is that the concept was presented to me by David Schnarch himself last Wednesday night at SMU only a few hours before Ron ended up in the ER.  We left the lecture a few minutes early because Ron’s pain was soaring.  Some troubling experiences in the last couple of years left me questioning one of my fundamental beliefs…. what we call serendipity is really sychronicity. If my faith in sychronicity is restored as a result of Ron’s hellish infection, this whole experience will soon end up on my gratitude list!

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  In this moment, I feel optimistic (and very tired.)   I will continue to pray for peace and the willingness to  do what must me done with a grateful heart.

Night folks….  dreamland is calling.

Reflections on Resilience

Posted by Gayle

I’ve posted a lot today. I wasn’t posting that much before Ron’s staph infection became apparent.  Why would I start with such a vengeance now?

Age-gap couples listen up.  Hell anyone in a relationship listen up.  Okay if you are alive on this planet and interact with any other humans listen up!

Control is an illusion – a necessary illusion, but an illusion nonetheless.  I’m not in Japan today and honestly I’d rather be right here – the younger wife of an older man with a nasty staph infection that is bringing him enormous pain.  But Ron and I have something in common with the people of Japan and so do you.  Your whole life can change in an instant.  I happen to think it’s best not to focus on that everyday.  If I did, I would be scared silly.  Am I scared today?  Yes…. very.  So why am I blogging?  To feign control.  I find it comforts me.

I’m tired and I don’t much feeling like exploring all the potential blessing that might come from our situation although I do believe there will be some.  But this tired human woman wants to go to bed and at the same time is afraid of that bed… it is empty.  My husband isn’t in it.  I left him (finally) well sedated in a hospital room.  I’ve got quite a few more nights alone in my bed.  I’ve made mistakes today, I done a few things right, I coped the best I could, I loved him, and I even wondered if I really meant to sign up for all this.

Honestly, what I signed up for were the good times.  I heard the vow about “for better or worse”, but until you get some years under your married (or committed relationship) belt you have no idea just how bad worse can be….thankfully.  Just like you probably don’t want to know the date of your death, you really don’t want to know about worse either.

However I do want you to know about one thing.  It is the gift of resilience.   We humans are innately resilient. Resiliance gets us through things we never thought we could endure.  If you’re in your relationship or even just your life for the long haul, then learn to recognize and trust your reslience.  It’s there for you even when you don’t believe it is.  I saw my rock whimper like a small child today.  I hope he doesn’t remember it.  I always will, but even as he whimpered I knew he would survive.  Why?  Because I’ve seen his resilience in action and I trust him to find it even when he doesn’t believe he can.

You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.

Elizabeth Edwards
May She Rest in Peace