… But my December appears to be on the mend!

Posted by Gayle

Doggie Depression

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and with the exception of two pretty depressed Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys, the news is good.  Ron had his best day yet today.  This was totally unexepected as it was the day after surgery number 2.  He seems to have turned a huge corner.  I say “seems” because this has been such a roller coaster ride, I’m hesitant to get my hopes too high.  The reason for the dramatic change?  Probably a couple of factors.  First, the nasty, icky, stuff that infection is made of has been removed from his knee.  Second, he’s off of the 10 mg. morphine injections every three hours and now has a pain pump filled with dilaudid.  Less medicine is administered more often. This means he’s lucid!!!  Ron bypassed being a flower child in the 60′s and his experience with getting high generally involved an airplane.  Mass quantities of opitates do not make him funny, goofy, or cute.  They make you think he is dying.

Other good news includes the fact that the antibiotics are working and the almost certain probablity that when he is released he will actually come home!  A new doctor was introduced into the mix (the Rehabilitation Specialist) and it seems the hospital has an intensive physical therapy program he can do as an inpatient.  Since he’s going to be a “guest” in the hospital for several more days, it would be fabulous for him to start rebuilding his strength in the on-site Physical Therapy Clinic.  One thing I know for sure… those who work with him,  will earn their wings!  The word cantankerous comes to mind .  Of course I mean this in the most complimentary of ways.  I saw an Occuptational Therapist working with him the other day and she wasn’t taking any of his guff.  I was so impressed, I  almost asked her to be a sister wife.

Bonus Daughter #3 (or #2 depending on how you count), arrived in Dallas today for a 3 day visit.  She volunteered not only to sit with her Dad while I was working,  she offered to help with things here at home.  I’m wondering if cleaning out my closets and garage would consititute therapeutic aid?

Yes my sense of humor is returning, but evidently my smile hasn’t.  I almost cried tonight when Ron told me he was looking forward to the day when my smile returned.  I’ve done a lot of introspection and what I discovered is that I feel like I am about 8 years old when I wake up in the morning.  I feel little.  I am alone and I am scared.  The fear isn’t of just one thing or really anything specific.  It’s generalized fear and insecurity.  By the time I finish my shower and start my first session of the day, the adult Gayle has returned.  I am hoping this awareness will help me do a better job understanding what’s happening in the morning.  It can be so hard to comfort and soothe oneself. And yet the ability is key to our survival and the survival of our marriages.  David Schnarch talks about this in his books Passionate Marriage and Intimacy and Desire.  His research indicates that the ability to soothe oneself and quiet your own mind and heart is critical to the success of your relationship.

I am the first to raise my hand and say that I  depend too heavily on validation from Ron to soothe me and quiet my mind and heart.  I can clearly see an “opportunity” to learn better how to do this for myself as a result of this situation.  What’s extraordinary about this awareness is that the concept was presented to me by David Schnarch himself last Wednesday night at SMU only a few hours before Ron ended up in the ER.  We left the lecture a few minutes early because Ron’s pain was soaring.  Some troubling experiences in the last couple of years left me questioning one of my fundamental beliefs…. what we call serendipity is really sychronicity. If my faith in sychronicity is restored as a result of Ron’s hellish infection, this whole experience will soon end up on my gratitude list!

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  In this moment, I feel optimistic (and very tired.)   I will continue to pray for peace and the willingness to  do what must me done with a grateful heart.

Night folks….  dreamland is calling.

What?  (Posted by Ron)

OK, this is another post about our new favorite television show, Modern Family.  Jay, always the frugal December takes Gloria, the hot May to view two above ground crypts that are only three slots down from a famous gangster.  The young wife, Gloria, is not a bit ready to deal with death and refuses to have the discussion.  The subject of Gloria remarrying after Jay dies also comes up.  Of course they assume Jay will die first.  After all, he is the December.

Back at home, Jay gives Gloria an empty coffee can to use to keep his ashes on the mantle.  His ulterior motive is that the “putz” that Gloria marries will have to stare at his ashes.  Yes, Modern Family is a comedy, but it is one of the most popular television shows, indicating to me that Gayle and I aren’t the only ones interested in May-December relationships.

We often get questions about the risks a younger partner takes when entering into an age-gap relationship.  Who will die first?  Will the younger partner have to take care of an aging partner who can no longer care for him/herself?  These are definitely legitimate questions that should be examined.  Not, however, as Jay did by taking Gloria to a cemetery.

There will be no coffee cans on the mantle in the home of Ron and Gayle.  Many years ago we had conversations about our deaths and how we would handle burial.  We both came to the conclusion that cremation made sense and that we wished to have our ashes sent over the Lower Falls of the Yellowstone River, one of the most beautiful places on earth.  The ashes of our friend Fred and several of our beloved pets have already taken that trip.  (It’s not exactly legal, by the way.)  Our trust documents have instructions for our burial.

Planning makes sense in any relationship.  It’s really no more important in an age-gap relationship that one in which the partners are close in age.  There are no guarantees who will leave this life first.  We’ve also planned for care as we age.  Neither of us wishes to be an unnecessary burden on the other so we’ve had long-term care insurance for several years.

Modern Family is fun to watch.  It points out more problems that solutions, however, so you have to pick and choose what you take away from it.  I love watching it because in many ways it is a microcosm of our own lives.  There won’t be coffee cans for us, though.  The Lower Falls beckon.

Image via Wikipedia

Posted by Gayle

It’s probably doesn’t take much for you to figure out that one of our favorite shows in this house is ABC‘s Award Winning Sitcom Modern Family. This week’s episode had us both laughing out loud (which, by the way, is a very good thing for couples to do with each other.)  Ron will need to share his own favorite moments with you.    Here are a few of mine:

• I have to admit to identifying with Gloria when she showed up tanked on xanax and tequila at Lilly’s first birthday.  She and the ex were both going to be there.   No I did not do any shooters nor had I discovered the wonders of xanax when we had our first opportunity to spend a life transition ritual with her.  (Note:  life transition rituals include:  birthdays, weddings, funerals, graduations, mitzvahs, coming out parties, holy unions, bris ceremonies, etc.)  I also have to admit to wishing I could identify with a few of Gloria’s other “glorious” traits.   Anyway moving on….
• I also saw myself and Ron when Gloria insisted the family record a story book for Lilly.  The specific image that comes to mind is the time I decided it would be a swell idea for Pop and Gigi to sing (as in sing-a-long) the tune Somewhere Out There to our oldest granddaughter.  She was about three at the time.  It’s no wonder to me that she still looks at Pop and me with a little squint of the eye  and shake of the head from time to time.
• And then there are Cam and Mitchell with baby Lilly.  We don’t have a Cam and Mitchell in our family, but we do a David and Scott as two of our closest friends.   So some of our grandchildren’s first experiences with same sexed couples have happen right here in our  ”Modern Family” home.  We’re nothing if not modern (and a time a challenge to their balance.)
• Lastly, one of the things about the show in general that I relate to is a loving, zany, and diverse group of people coming together as a family. We have our share of tears, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings here too, but ultimately we are learning love, respect, and acceptance for each other and the diversity we bring.  It’s could be a disastrous mess.  But here in Lambert-LusterVile, we call it a family.

Watch “Princess Party” the February 16 Episode of modern family

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• Real ‘Modern Family’: Age Only a Number (abcnews.go.com)