… But my December appears to be on the mend!

Posted by Gayle

Doggie Depression

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and with the exception of two pretty depressed Boogie Woogie Beagle Boys, the news is good.  Ron had his best day yet today.  This was totally unexepected as it was the day after surgery number 2.  He seems to have turned a huge corner.  I say “seems” because this has been such a roller coaster ride, I’m hesitant to get my hopes too high.  The reason for the dramatic change?  Probably a couple of factors.  First, the nasty, icky, stuff that infection is made of has been removed from his knee.  Second, he’s off of the 10 mg. morphine injections every three hours and now has a pain pump filled with dilaudid.  Less medicine is administered more often. This means he’s lucid!!!  Ron bypassed being a flower child in the 60′s and his experience with getting high generally involved an airplane.  Mass quantities of opitates do not make him funny, goofy, or cute.  They make you think he is dying.

Other good news includes the fact that the antibiotics are working and the almost certain probablity that when he is released he will actually come home!  A new doctor was introduced into the mix (the Rehabilitation Specialist) and it seems the hospital has an intensive physical therapy program he can do as an inpatient.  Since he’s going to be a “guest” in the hospital for several more days, it would be fabulous for him to start rebuilding his strength in the on-site Physical Therapy Clinic.  One thing I know for sure… those who work with him,  will earn their wings!  The word cantankerous comes to mind .  Of course I mean this in the most complimentary of ways.  I saw an Occuptational Therapist working with him the other day and she wasn’t taking any of his guff.  I was so impressed, I  almost asked her to be a sister wife.

Bonus Daughter #3 (or #2 depending on how you count), arrived in Dallas today for a 3 day visit.  She volunteered not only to sit with her Dad while I was working,  she offered to help with things here at home.  I’m wondering if cleaning out my closets and garage would consititute therapeutic aid?

Yes my sense of humor is returning, but evidently my smile hasn’t.  I almost cried tonight when Ron told me he was looking forward to the day when my smile returned.  I’ve done a lot of introspection and what I discovered is that I feel like I am about 8 years old when I wake up in the morning.  I feel little.  I am alone and I am scared.  The fear isn’t of just one thing or really anything specific.  It’s generalized fear and insecurity.  By the time I finish my shower and start my first session of the day, the adult Gayle has returned.  I am hoping this awareness will help me do a better job understanding what’s happening in the morning.  It can be so hard to comfort and soothe oneself. And yet the ability is key to our survival and the survival of our marriages.  David Schnarch talks about this in his books Passionate Marriage and Intimacy and Desire.  His research indicates that the ability to soothe oneself and quiet your own mind and heart is critical to the success of your relationship.

I am the first to raise my hand and say that I  depend too heavily on validation from Ron to soothe me and quiet my mind and heart.  I can clearly see an “opportunity” to learn better how to do this for myself as a result of this situation.  What’s extraordinary about this awareness is that the concept was presented to me by David Schnarch himself last Wednesday night at SMU only a few hours before Ron ended up in the ER.  We left the lecture a few minutes early because Ron’s pain was soaring.  Some troubling experiences in the last couple of years left me questioning one of my fundamental beliefs…. what we call serendipity is really sychronicity. If my faith in sychronicity is restored as a result of Ron’s hellish infection, this whole experience will soon end up on my gratitude list!

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  In this moment, I feel optimistic (and very tired.)   I will continue to pray for peace and the willingness to  do what must me done with a grateful heart.

Night folks….  dreamland is calling.

Posted by Gayle

I accidentally stumbled across this poem tonight. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t really an accident. Enjoy….

THE JOURNEY
Above the mountains
the Geese turn into
the light again
Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavensso you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something newin the ashes
of your life.
You are not leaving
You are arriving.

-David Whyte
from The House of Belonging

Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

I guess not since my body really is getting older (a post by Ron)

We celebrated Christmas with our friend Sheri the other night and one of the gifts she gave me was a pair of “arthritis” gloves.  You wear them and the heat is supposed to help with pain in your knuckles.  OK, I do have some arthritis – in my fingers and knees and – stop it!  The problem I have with the gloves is that they really do help.  I would much rather just pretend the arthritis wasn’t happening.  And then there was the shirt she got me that said something about putting the Zen into senior citizen.  I think I need to talk to her.

I recently celebrated my 68th birthday.  Yep, my body is 68 years old.  My spirit is not.  I love the joke I saw recently about the “older” man with the 20 year old inside yelling “what the f… happened?”  I don’t remember getting to be this age but it doesn’t really matter.  I think a good age is the one you are at right now.  The arthritis is not bad and can be controlled.  Losing weight has certainly helped my knees.  My attitude about life keeps my spirit younger than my body.  Maybe 68 is the new 20!  OK, maybe not, but I still like bringing out the 20 year old to see how life really is at my “good” age.

By the way.  Gayle wanted to try on my glove last night to see if it would help her hand.  I guess she should talk with Sheri about that.

Well, until recently I would have said nothing.  Now I know better!

Posted by Ron

I was watching Doctor Who a while ago and realized I recognized the music that was playing.  The episode was “The Doctor Dances” and the music was one of the big bands from the 1940s.  When the music ended on the TV it continued in my head.  I realized I recognized the song “In The Mood” and even the band leader, Glenn Miller.

Gayle and I recently saw Queensryche in concert.  I’m sure not many of you know that group but in our Discover days we enjoyed their song “Silent Lucidity.”  Boy, were we surprised when the concert began.

Let me digress.  Why?  Because this is one of those times when I understand why I have been successful in maintaining an age-gap relationship.  Let’s go back to the 1940s.  Remember, I was born in 1942.  I certainly listened to the big band music my older siblings danced to in our living room.  When the 1950s rolled around Chuck Barry and Elvis and Jerry Lee and Johnny Mathis and other 1950s “rockers” came into my life.  I have to admit I was not an Elvis fan, but many others became my favorites.  I particularly remember that Johnny Mathis sang my first “our song.”  It was The Twelfth of Never.  I also got to suffer the teenage angst of the night the music died; when Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens died in a plane crash in 1959.

I don’t remember too much of the sixties music because I was busy protecting our country in the Navy (I actually worked in an office) and getting my bachelor’s degree in Accounting.  I do, however, remember fondly the music of Iron Butterfly and The Doors.  I’ve even visited Jim Morrison’s grave in Paris twice.

This continued through the seventies and eighties and nineties, and etc.  I’ve talked about being willing to change in order to maintain an age-gap (or any) relationship.  In this particular case change came because I was willing to listen to music, hear the message and enjoy the beats.  My mom and dad were convinced that rock and roll would rot our brains.  I think there are parents today that feel the same way about 21st century rock or rap music.  But have they listened to the music?  I doubt it.

I don’t listen to nearly as much music as Gayle.  She knows a whole lot more than I about who is popular and who is singing what.  That doesn’t much matter to me.  I just listen.  I’m rarely sure who it is, but I don’t listen unless I like it.  You know what?  I love today’s music, regardless of who is singing it.  The music is all that’s necessary.

So, what do you think Sally Rand and Eminem have in common?  Music!  Why does that matter?  Because Queensryche had a show that we never expected.  It included Cirgue d’Soleil type acts, ballet, a stripper and a fan dancer.  (For those of you who don’t know, Sally Rand was a fan dancer.)  And included in all of that mayhem was Queensryche, singing some really great hard rock.  And how does Eminem fit into this blog?  He represents the pinnacle of my evolution in the arena of the music I like.  I would have never listened to him had Gayle not become interested a few years ago.  I started with Glenn Miller and Stan Kenton and have evolved to Eminem and Queensryche.  At some point that night Gayle turned to me and asked “what are we doing here?”  The answer is very simple.  As Geoff Tate, the lead singer said, we were there to “celebrate the music.”

I celebrate the life I find in the music.  I celebrate the change I find in me because I enjoy today’s music when many folks my age don’t understand it.  I celebrate my willingness to not be old.  I celebrate the fact that an age-gap relationship is just the norm to me.  Age, after all, does not make a relationship, just like it does not make a song or a popular singer.  Celebrate your life and hear all of the music that gives it your soundtrack.  Johnnie Mathis anyone?

Any True Blood fans out there?  In the books Elvis never went away; he just became a vampire.  He has not appeared in the HBO series yet and maybe that’s best.  In the books he was “made” as a vampire after his brain had begun to deteriorate.  They call him Bubba in the books.  That should tell you something.

By the way, Queesnrych didn’t even sing Silent Lucidity!