We just got this in our email and are so excited.  We wanted to share it with you.  We are such Hay House fans.  We attended a writer’s workshop with Cheryl Richardson earlier this year.  It was sponsored by Hay House and held on a cruise ship.  Cruising was great, but who has the time or money to do that very often?  Hay House is indeed a class act.  They have now created on-line events through Hay House Radio.  You can attend a workshop in your own living room with a world renowned speaker for 20 bucks!  What a deal.

Gayle’s getting ready to sign up for the workshop conducted by Dr. Christiane Northrup and Ron is planning to attend the Bruce Lipton workshop on the biology of beliefs.  Maybe we’ll “see you” there – we’ll be the ones in our robes and slippers!

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Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

I have no idea, but it made sense to Earnest, my alter ego, when he wrote this post in his blog:

(Posted by Ron)

Every now and then I like to bring in a post that was originally written by Earnest.  I try to pick the ones that actually fit the May-December subject.  Earnest’s reference to Andy Rooney in this and other of his posts fits the December aspect of our blog.  One of my few nods to aging is that my actions sometimes remind me of Andy Rooney.  As I’ve gotten older I believe I have gotten even more opinionated – or at least more willing to express them.  Here’s Earnest’s post.

I made this note one night when I was watching Letterman. I no longer remember the connection to Dave but that doesn’t matter. Did you know that Cracker Jacks were first sold at the World’s Columbian Exposition, Chicago’s first world fair, in 1893. Now, that statistic comes from the Cracker Jack website so it must be right. It wasn’t really marketed and trademarked as Cracker Jacks until 1896.

Did you know (sorry Elliot) that Cracker Jacks were immortalized in 1908 when Jack Norworth wrote the lyrics to “Take Me Out To The Ballgame?” Of course you all know the phrase “buy me some popcorn and Cracker Jacks” in that song.

Even I’m not old enough to remember when these things happened (I’ve heard John McCain may be, though.) Here’s what I do remember – OK, this is going to be an Andy Rooney moment.

When I was a kid Cracker Jacks came in a tightly sealed and waxed box. I can remember how difficult it was to tear through that waxed paper without a knife. Teeth just slid across the wax. The seal on the bottom of the box, where the toy was hidden, was even worse but the toy was worth the work to retrieve it. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Cracker Jacks, but the toys back then were the best (whatever they were.)

So, why is this going to be an Andy Rooney moment? Simple. Those marvelous toys of the past are gone. What do you get now? Something made out of paper. They aren’t toys, they are throwaways. I still eat Cracker Jacks but I surely don’t eat as many as when I was a kid. What’s the point? They are only candied popcorn and peanuts. Where are the toys of old (whatever they were?) What’s more, Cracker Jacks now come in bags! Where’s the challenge to opening them?

Because they became another bridge across our age differences.

(Posted by Ron)

We went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button during the holidays.  It was enjoyable but not necessarily Oscar quality in our opinion.  I like that about Gayle and me.  We have developed very similar tastes in movies, with some exceptions, of course.  Oh, Brother Where Art Thou comes to mind. Read the rest of this entry »

You marry him!

(Posted by Gayle)

There had been other loves.  There had even been another husband, but at the ripe of old age of 20 something I fell in love with a man 15 years older than me.  It didn’t seem like a big difference (to us).  But that wasn’t true for some of our friends, family members, and especially his children.

My best friend was also in love with a man 15 or more years older than her.  Our late night wine chats helped me feel normal and really didn’t raise any red flags.  My boss on the other hand thought I was crazy.  I’m not sure how much that had to do with our age difference.  The fact that Ron was hired to take a job my boss wanted might have had something do with it! Read the rest of this entry »