Tina Turner, Drammenshallen, Norway, February ...

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Can you be in love without using the word?

(Posted by Gayle)

I dare you… make that a double dare… to take the word “love” completely out of your vocabulary this week.  I’ve got a bone to pick with that word and I’m taking a break from it.  I don’t know what the heck it means.  Yes – you heard me right.  Straight from the horses “fingers” (so to speak).  I don’t know what the word loves means and going to the dictionary is of no use to me either.

I have visions of using the word “love” in a high school English paper and finding red marks all of the graded specimen.  The teacher would have instructed me to pick a word that was more specific – 0ne that was not so prone to interpretation.  She or he would ask me to show how I felt rather than take the easy way and use one word.

During my internship in graduate school, I was reporting to my supervisor about a couple with whom I was working.  I listed a seemingly endless sea of problems they faced and at the end of the overview, I proudly stated “but they love each other.”  He returned a look from over the top of his glasses, shook is head, and said “Gayle, in the infamous words of Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it?”  My idealistic bubble burst, but I learned a lesson I’ll never forget that day.  When a couple is sitting in your office desperate for help to save what feels like a sinking ship, telling them to go home and “love” each other a little more isn’t going to help them very much.  They need specifics.  They need a plan.

The other lesson I learned in my counseling office is if you want to absolutely gut your partner FOREVER (you know run over them with a steam roller and flatten them like Wiley Coyote) then be sure and say this to him or her:

I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.

These words haunt, wound, cripple, and stick like super glue.  Just don’t ever say the sentence – full stop, period, end of sentence!   I don’t care how much you feel like it at the time.  Lest you think I’m asking you to be a liar, think of it like this.  Since the word “love” has zillions of meanings, the above combination of words is essentially meaningless, and it certainly doesn’t give your partner anything specific to work on.  It just shoots a poison dart into the relationship.  Besides if you tell me you aren’t “IN” love with me, then what favor is it to me to say “I still love you, but…?”  I’m sure a post on what the heck “in love” means will follow (as you can tell, I’m pumped up about this!)

There is also something else to consider, God forbid, that you’ve ever thought the sentence to yourself… don’t freak out and get all worried.  Of course you’ve probably thought it if you’ve been with your partner for any extended length of time.  Or let me put it another way.  Maybe you haven’t thought those exact words, but if you’ve had a less than ideal, not very sexy, overwhelmed with life, I’m so mad at you I can’t look you, wish you would pack your bags and leave kind of day… then you have had a moment where you didn’t feel “in love” with your mate.  And yes I’ve had those days with Ron.  Although, I’m sure he has never had one of those with me because I’m so cute, sweet, adorable, practically perfect in every way,  young, and always right. It just is unfathomable that he’d ever feel anything less than “I want to jump your bones NOW enamored of me!

Here is the deal – (sh)IT happens – and then amazingly – IT goes away.  Sometimes you have to work at IT.  Sometimes IT dissipates on ITs own.  Sometimes you need an outside perspective to get IT settled.  Sometimes the perspective you need comes from a friend, relative, pastor, or therapist.  Sometimes the perspective comes from words you read (maybe even this blog!)

Now for your homework assignment.  This week take the word “love” out of your vocabulary.  Instead describe what you are feeling without using the word love. Here is an example:

I love Ron – or I could tell you:

Ron is patient, gentle, and strong.  In his presence I feel safe, secure, and comfortable.  He works hard to keep our relationship healthy and alive.  The sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me makes me feel special, important, and needed.  We are so compatible that it is easy to be with him on good days and even bad days.  Being with him gives life meaning.

So you tell me.  Which says more?  Which would you want to hear?  Your turn.  Try it…

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