Look no further.  Here’s our advice on giving advice!

(Posted by Gayle)

A question from one of our readers came in today.  He’s 45  – she’s 21.  They’ve been seeing each other about 6 months.

…I think that we both worry that there is some issue we are missing.  He says that I’d probably meet some 25 year old stud and go through the thrills of discovery in my twenties and thirties with them, and that he’s practically in his late 40′s. I suppose he feels like he’s taking something from me. While I don’t have the knowledge that he does I feel like I could potentially be taking something from him that he could get from someone his own age. Yet, when we are together all we feel is love. I know it’s still early in the relationship, but we can both feel the real potential for long term commitment. Yet, it is getting curbed by our age difference.
It seems as though we are at a point where if we go on much longer we will be getting very serious and perhaps now is when we should “jump ship” to avoid getting too far into things. It’s a weird point because it’s really too soon to run away and get married (I mean that lightheartedly), but at the same time it seems to be getting to a point where it’s either take it or leave it. So do you have any input on this situation for either one of us?

Thanks so much for writing us and being so candid.  Obviously you’ve given lots of thought to what might happen in a May December relationship.  It’s certainly worthwhile for us to spend sometime thinking about the worst case scenario.  But I’ve also found that life is more interesting and spontaneous in giving me challenges that I can ever imagine.

In thinking about what input to give, the first thing that came to mind was what input NOT to give.  Everybody’s got advice to give us when we fall in love.  In my observation, the problem with this advice is that it is more easily given than taken.  I have seen the same people who were so vocal in their judgment of a friend’s relationship crumble and break all of their own rules when it comes to their own relationship!  There is a huge difference between telling someone what they should or shouldn’t do (a.k.a. advice giving) and sharing about your own experiences.

With that said, here’s some advice on advice :o )!

Nobody (including us or your partner) gets to tell you:

  • how or what to think.
  • how or what to feel.
  • who to love.
  • how the future will turn out.

Over the years, we find that the vast majority of couples (including us) share certain experiences.

  • Couples of all ages and age difference will fight about money, sex, parenting, and family.
  • The only guarantee you get about your death date is that you will have one.
  • People change as they age.  They change physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.  (If you aren’t the kind of person who tolerates change well, you might want to consider staying out of long-term committed relationships.)
  • Sexual attraction will also change (I didn’t say die – I said CHANGE) over the years.  Couples in long-term relationships need to learn the art of adaptation and flexibility.
  • Intimacy run in cycles in relationships.  Sometimes you feel closer.  Other times you feel further apart.  The trick is not to lose your way during the times you are further apart.  It also helps to know how to come back together (read our article about the 5 Secrets to a Successful Relationship in any Season.)

Special things to consider for couples with age gaps.

  • Your perception of your age difference will change over time.  Sometimes you won’t notice it at all, other times it may seem more obvious.
  • An age difference is an easy place to lay blame when you are having problems.  If you dig deeper, you’ll generally find one of the following hidden fears lying beneath the surface of any problem you are having:
    • my partner isn’t interested in me
    • my partner isn’t treating me like an equal
    • my partner does not really care about me (or love me)
  • Deal with the hidden fears and issues about the age difference usually melt away.

Famed family therapist, Virgina Satir, wasn’t really speaking about us May Decembers when she wrote the following words, but we can benefit from her wisdom. It sounds like number 5 was written directly to us!

The Five Freedoms
By Virginia Satir

1. TO SEE AND HEAR
What is here,
Instead of what should be,
Was, or will be

2. TO SAY
What one feels and thinks
Instead of what one should

3. TO FEEL
What one feels,
Instead of what one ought

4. TO ASK
For what one wants,
Instead of always waiting
For permission

5. TO TAKE RISKS
In one’s own behalf,
Instead of choosing to be
Only “secure”
And not rocking the boat

Other articles of interest:

Are May December Relationships Really That Different?

Recognizing all the Flags

OMG – What have I gotten myself into?

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