Disapproval, unwanted pregnancy and disease

Written by By Maya Sokolovski
Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Dating an older man can be more trouble than it’s worth

Although the media may have you thinking otherwise, dating older men is not as great as it may seem. Before I go any further, I have a confession to make – I used to date a man 13 years my senior. I was madly in love with him – so much so, in fact, that when an essay assignment came up and the profs told us we could write about any topic we wanted, I chose relationships  between younger women and older men. I was in for a few surprises. Although relevant and credible research about those types of pairings are scant, I managed to glean a few things… Read entire article here.

Gayle’s Commentary:

Let me go on record right now that I almost didn’t post this article.  I think it’s full of stereotypes and that’s not something this website is here to tout.  But in graduate school, I was trained in research and I have noticed there is a woefully small of amount of credible research about us age gappers.  It reminds me of the days before Susan G. Koman got cancer, the days before her death, and the days before her sister Nancy Brinker made a death bed promise to her to do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever.

Ms. Brinker was outraged because of the shamefully small amount of research being done on womens’ health issues.  Now there are little pink ribbons everywhere.  You can’t go in the grocery store without being offered a chance to contribute to breast cancer research by purchasing certain products.  To say I’m impressed with what the Susan G. Koman Foundation has been able to accomplish in a relatively short amount of time (the foundation was born in 1982) would be an understatement to say the least.

The article today, while negative and inflammatory, makes an really excellent point “relevant and credible research about those types of pairings are scant…”  Yes it is!  I’m not planning to start a foundation (at least I don’t think I am), but I sure would like to see more CREDIBLE research on the topic.  Marriage is researched all of the time.  We know that marriages are generally good for your health and men live longer when they are in long term marriages.

The implication of this article is that age gap relationships are bad for women.  It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to know that I’m not on board with this notion and my life doesn’t substantiate the claim.  I think we May Decembers are worth paying attention to.  I believe there will be more and more of us as time goes on.  I think there are normal, happy, healthy relationships with age differences and I think there are whack jobs in age gap relationships.  We’re just like other relationships.  We come in all shapes, sizes, and with varying degrees of mental health.

My theory is that we aren’t so different from other relationships, but what does make us different is that we don’t know we are not different.  Did you follow that?  Let me say it another way – we need validation by other couples who have walked in our shoes.  One positive result of research is to give us a frame of reference for “normal.”  It is why Kinsey’s work was so groundbreaking.  Prior to the publishing of the Kinsey Report people sat alone in silence worried that their sexual thoughts and desires were deviant.  The report brought to light how similar people were in their thoughts.  That brings peace and actually increases mental health.

When you are married to someone significantly older or younger it’s easy to sit alone in silence when trouble happens.  Maybe we don’t go to our friends because they aren’t “the same.”  Maybe we don’t go to our family because they warned us it wouldn’t work.  Maybe we are scared to talk to a counselor because they might think we have a daddy complex.

I just want the gag removed.  It’s okay with me if people publish stories I don’t agree with.   Just do the research and publish something!

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