And it’s my dad’s fault too!

(Posted by Ron)

I was in my fifties when I learned the term “lack consciousness.” It wasn’t a term that I wanted to know about. I lived it, but didn’t want to know I was living it.  I certainly didn’t know this was going to be another of those things I wanted to blame on my parents.

I shared in my post about Reese’s Cups how I made the decision to never say “NO” to a loved one.  That realization came to me several years ago and helped me understand why I never seemed to be able to say no.  In writing about that experience, another childhood memory popped into my mind. It is very similar to the Reese’s Cup story. It was another memory that I had to put into the mix as I looked back on decisions I have made during my life.

I think I was seven or eight the day I walked downtown with dad as he went to the bank. Downtown Kenova, West Virginia is only about a half dozen blocks from anywhere in town so it was a short trip. After dad finished his banking we were standing outside the bank as he talked to some of the “old” men who seemed to always hang out on that corner.

I don’t remember what they were discussing but I knew the drug store was about twenty feet from us and it had a soda fountain. I looked up at dad and asked for a dime. A dime! Not a lot of money today but I think it would have bought a milkshake in those days. Almost automatically he said no.

As I said in my Reese’s Cup post, my parents lived through the depression of the 1930s. They knew what it meant to be without even some of the basic necessities of life. Also, dad didn’t make a lot of money and had at least four of their five children at home when I asked for the dime. I now choose to believe he would have loved to give me that dime but truly could not afford it.

As soon as he said no one of the other men put his hand in his pocket and handed me a dime. “Here,” he said. “Go get something good.” I saw a look pass over my dad’s face which told me I was in trouble. What he said though was for me to thank the man, so I did. As we walked home later I could tell how angry and embarrassed he was as he told me to never do that again. Never ask him for money in front of anyone.

I never did. I never again asked him for money unless he and I were alone. However, from that day I never remember feeling like we had enough money even though I never experienced any lack of food or clothes or other necessities. But I’m sure that’s when I picked up the belief of “never enough” which has dogged me ever since.

One of the biggest fears I have carried throughout my life never having enough. Money, things, etc. Even when I finally learned these were among the least important concerns in life I was unable to shake the belief and it’s results. What were those results? Well, as I’ve said before, I chased jobs for many years. I chased them from city to city and company to company. No matter how well I was doing I was always on the lookout for the next, higher paying job. And I found them! Lots of them! I was successful, but still didn’t have enough.

My “not enough” tape caused some very serious financial problems. No matter how much I was making, I spent more. I didn’t spend much on clothes or shoes or little toys. No, I liked to buy big!  I got my pilot’s license and bought an airplane. When I lived in Louisiana my son and I went out to buy a trolling motor for fishing in the local bayous.  We came home with a 21 foot, deep V hull, inboard/outboard salt water boat. After all, why fish in a local bayou when the Gulf of Mexico was so close? I wanted the BIG fish.

You can imagine what these and other financial millstones did to my financial condition. So now here I am looking back and wondering how I let myself be so financially irresponsible. The answer is clear, of course, I had my totally irrational, “not enough” belief playing constantly in my mind and that’s all I could hear.

It’s still a struggle.  Gayle and I are successful by almost everyone’s standards.  Yet I sit here in our beautiful kitchen, looking out at our beautiful (but still a work-in-progress) back yard and still know the feeling of wanting more than I have right now.  Are those feelings about real, life sustaining needs?  No, they aren’t.  They are simply part of my life’s journey.

Is it my parent’s fault?  No.  I believe they were doing the best they knew how to do.  They were a product of their time.  They loved me and always gave to me and my siblings before giving to themselves.  They never talked about personal sacrifices they might have made or their feelings about having to say no because they didn’t know how.

Of the hundreds of experiences in my childhood the Reese’s Cups and the dime stand out because each left an indelible mark.  The natural question?  “Why?”  The natural answer?  “I don’t know.”  I don’t have to know why.   What I have tried to learn is that I don’t have to be just a product of my time.  I have choices in how I see things and what meanings I attach to life’s experiences.  I can tell people what’s in my heart and not be controlled by fear.  I wish I could go back and heal the fear and the lack in my parents’ consciousness, but I can’t.  What I can do is set a new example and be grateful for the lessons I learned at their expense.  I love you mom and dad and miss you very much.

Read Part One Now

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