October 9th, 2008
And it was all my mother’s fault!
(Posted by Ron)
Counselors and counseling are often accused of blaming everything on parents. I’m a counselor. So, why can’t I blame my parents for everything? I suppose I could blame them for who I am, but that would be neither true nor fair to them. Like yours, my parents were not perfect. Unlike some of you, I wasn’t mistreated as a child. I did, however, learn many lessons at the feet of my parents. How I chose to apply those lessons was totally my responsibility. That was a hard realization for me to accept, as it often is with my clients.
As a young child “penny candy” was still a reality. The neighborhood grocery stores had display cases with loose candy in them. The five and dime stores had huge display cases of candy. These cases were presented at eye level for most children. It was not unusual to see a child, with a few pennies clutched in a little hand, standing in front of a case trying to decide what to tell the sales person to put in the little brown paper candy bag.
It’s no secret that Reese’s Cups are one of my favorite food groups. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love them. There was a large five and dime in the big city near my home. This store was designed in such a way that you could save almost a block of walking by cutting through it. No accident, I’m sure.
One day my mother and I took that short cut. I was still quite small and could barely see into the candy case we passed but did not miss the loose, miniature peanut butter cups. Of course, I asked mom to buy some for me. I was stunned when she said no. I asked the natural question. “Why not?” I got the natural response. “Because.” We passed on through the store to the bus stop and went home, without my favorite candy.
As I sit here writing I hear CNN in the background. The news is that the stock market has once again dropped. This time the drop is almost 700 points and the Dow Jones is below 9,000 points for the first time since 2003. People are frightened that we are heading for another “great depression.” My parents were young adults starting their family during the last “great depression.” Through the years I have heard stories about some of the things they had to do to survive and care for their young children. That day, however, I knew nothing about depressions or financial problems. I only knew I wanted peanut butter cups and didn’t get them!
I made an amazingly momentous life decision that day. A decision I knew nothing about until I learned how significantly our childhood experiences could influence the way we live as adults. The decision I made that day was that I would never say “NO” to anyone I loved. It isn’t a decision that makes sense now, but it was real to that little boy. I don’t consciously remember the decision, but I certainly remember going home without those Reese’s Cups. Didn’t that mean she didn’t love me?
I grew up, graduated from college, left West Virginia to start my career and embarked upon giving my loved ones anything they wanted. I did a good job, too. They had almost anything they wanted, except me. I was driven. I started my career in public accounting, moved into the oil industry and finally, the investment industry. There was one constant in each of my career moves – I traveled 50% of the time, or more.
I was extremely successful. I regularly received promotions into higher paying, more responsible jobs. When those slowed down I found another, higher paying position. Because I changed jobs often I moved my family several times. They had nice houses, cars, vacations, clothes, and yes, candy. I worked long hours, traveled often, spent a lot, and steadily dug a deep financial hole for me and my family. The airplane purchase certainly helped dig the hole deeper.
Somewhere along the way my kids grew up. I remember hearing a businessman say that he was at the birth and high school graduation of his children. The years in between were a blank. It was not that bad for us but I know without a doubt that I missed many wonderful years with my kids. Now that we are all adults I have learned they would have rather had me than things. Thank God we are as close as we are today.
This was so good Ron. It hit me hard and is so pertinent to what I am working on within myself. I somewhere along the line thought that everyone else had more, more, more….so I needed to have the most. Not quite a fanatical hoarder, but definitely a person with “a lot of cool stuff” and a good amount of debt…Well I dont know what happened, but … Read MoreI no longer feel this way and am happy every time I dont buy something or get rid of something that doesnt have a place in my life.
I have also developed this philosophy that we need to live more like our grandparents did. To work hard as your parents, my parents, grandparents and generations before us believed in. We must be thoughtful of all this excess. Be thoughtful of every dang thing you purchase. When you do purchase it, save for it it, do it for the right reasons, and above all pay CASH!
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This is very enlightening. I have noticed lately how often I say, we don’t have the money for that. Truth be told, we have the money for whatever we chose to have the money for. When we say no, it isn’t because we are poor, it is because we are trying to be responsible with our resources. I have been turning around my words and saying to the … Read Moreboys, “We haven’t set aside money for this, so we are not going to do it.” That way, they see us chosing to use our money in certain directions, and chosing not to use it in certain directions. I found this article really interesting, having received and adopted these attitudes for myself. I am doing my best to see myself as immensely blessed, and as responsible for the wise use of our resources, rather than always thinking we don’t have enough. Thanks for the thoughts.
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