That is indeed a very good question.  Let’s answer it once and for all!

(Posted by Ron)

Tackling the age gap!

By now you know about our age difference.  As I travel through the www I read about so many people asking this and other age related questions like;  “should I date someone older or younger than me?”  “How can I tell if it’s right for me?”  “What happens when we age?”  “Will (the older partner) die and leave me alone too soon?”

Fortunately I have two very valid life experiences to help me answer those questions with more authority than you are apt to see on many of the blogs. First, I’ve been in an age-gap relationship for more than 22 years and, second, in my counseling practice I have been specializing in couples counseling for some time now.  These experiences have allowed me to look at relationships from both sides of the coin.  This post won’t answer all of the questions you might ask but it might help with a few of them.

Let’s start with should you date someone older or younger than you. When Gayle and I began dating I don’t think age was an issue.  I don’t even remember discussing it until it was clear we were becoming serious about each other.  In that way we were lucky because we were in love before we had a chance to let the age question limit us.  Maybe we would not have been together had we considered the age difference before we had time to know we loved each other.  Replace age with other potential limitations when you ask this question.  Should you date someone who is – of a different race – a different religion – a different nationality, a different anything?  Don’t you question the specifics of any potential dating situation anyway?  Is it any easier to answer without the age difference?  Probably not.

Now how about trying to decide if a relationship with an older or younger partner is right for you? I often surprised at the number of my clients who are in a relationship with someone who had traits that were a major problem.  Their dating thought patterns went like this.  “Yes, he’s … but I can get him to change when we are married.”  “I know he or she has financial problems but I can teach him/her to manage money better.”  “I know he’s a workaholic but he will want to spend more time at home when we have children.”  There are often many red flags ignored when a couple is in the initial period of a relationship.  At least when you enter into an age gap relationship you aren’t setting yourself up for failure by thinking you can change his or her age after you marry (and just in case you think you can…well….nevermind!)

Now for the question of what happens when we age. Lots of things.  You are both likely to slow down.  One of you may begin to experience health problems.  Interests may change.  Gayle and I work on this situation as it happens.  Fortunately we have developed similar interests, not the least of which is our shared love of travel and hiking.  We seem to have also developed similar endurance levels.  One of our daughters said that Gayle helps keep me young.  In my mind there is no doubt of that but, at the same time, I have helped Gayle learn to relax when we travel.  A little relaxation helps both of us go a long way.  There are lots of other similarities but I believe you, the reader, should be aware that you will have to find ways to age well together regardless of whether or not there is an age difference.

In my opinion the least important concern when considering a May/December relationship is whether or not the older partner will die and leave you alone.  That may be true actuarily, but it’s certainly not the rule.  One of our daughter’s friends died shortly after childbirth, leaving her husband to raise their young children.  They were both young and of similar age.  Mine and Gayle’s best friend died when he was forty, leaving his partner alone.  Neither Gayle nor I really know who is going to be left alone.  It would be a serious error on our part to assume I’m dying first.   Yes, I’m fifteen years older than her but almost all of my family members and ancestors have lived into their late eighties and nineties.  Gayle’s father died at fifty-four of a heart attack.  Does that mean she is likely to leave me alone?  Who knows?  We both have to consider a future without the other one, but we don’t dwell on it.  We just try to be prudent.

So, let me sum up all of the answers. Age is but one consideration when deciding on a potential relationship.  Sure there are some issues that must be considered but, generally speaking, you will find yourself asking most of these questions regardless of the age of your potential mate.  I think the answer is simple.  If the relationship would be what you wanted and the only sticking point is an age difference you should probably go for it.

So how does our relationship survive the age gap? We don’t put our primary focus on the May December aspect of our relationship.  It survives because it is a good relationships and it works!  There is lots of love, effort, fun, compromise, discussion, and refusing to give up on us when times get tough (perhaps the most important tool of all!)

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