Posted by Gayle

This is the most refreshingly honest post I’ve seen written about May-December couples!   I. love. it.

How about you?

“May-December” and Life..

Not if your wife is your “opponent.”

(Posted by Ron)

Is it fun to hit each other in the face?  It is if you are doing it via a WII (No, not W. W. II.  That’s wee, as in Nintendo).  We actually need another controller before we can “fight” each other, but weeee will Wii! This holiday we have bowled, played tennis, guitar and golf, all without leaving the living room.

My daughter commented on one of Gayle’s posts and part of her comment said that being married to Gayle has kept me young.  In a way she’s right.  Gayle and I do lots of things that my older relatives would have never considered.  After all, at my age I should be “enjoying” retirement, whatever that means, not playing video games.

Since we’ve begun this website and the book on May December relationships I have learned a great deal about the truths and misconceptions surrounding age-gap couples.  Many of these lessons are described elsewhere in our website.  Many are yet to be written about.

The main lesson that I learn over and over is that relationships are seldom about age.  They are about the love, compatibility and adaptability of the partners.  Do you know many (almost) 66 year old men who are learning to play a Nintendo Wii?  It appeared in the house as a 22nd anniversary present to us.  I never considered that I would still enjoy competitive video games, but I do.

So what’s this May December Secret?

Aging is often a state of mind.

Think about that if you are considering an age gap relationship.  The love, of course, is ageless.  But how about energy levels?  Interests?  Sense of adventure?  They are certainly important, regardless of your ages.

I believe successful May December relationships also provide something much different that what we are told.  Most of the research wants us to believe they are about men and women looking for father or mother figures or having mid-life crises.  That’s often true, but in my humble opinion they also provide the yin to our yang.  I’ve learned to love museums and hiking, and feeling younger than my years is the norm.

So I may have to wrap my knee before I start, but I’ve found a very good source of the exercise I need.  Playing an hour of tennis in the living room with Gayle is hard work.  I even have to get off the couch.  Our age differences once again are not an issue.  Beating her at tennis is, though.  And I will again, I think.  If I don’t I’ll get that other controller and we’ll see who’s the best boxer!

Teen Life Q&A: Is the age difference between you too big?

Does age really matter, when is an age gap too big?

for About.com

My boyfriend is 28 and I’m 16. My parents don’t approve, my friends think it’s creepy and his family says it’s disgusting but we’re in love. Am I crazy thinking love can conquer all or does age really matter? When is an age gap too big?

To say “he is X number of years older than you and that is too much older” is an oversimplification of a complex situation. In matters of the heart things don’t always make sense, timing isn’t always right and people are not always in the same age group. Large age differences can be overcome if people are at similar places in their lives. That said, when you are a teen and your partner is a full grown adult the chances that you are in similar places in your life are slim to none.  Read entire article here.

Gayle’s Commentary

This article gives some practical advice that really makes sense.  I know the article is aimed at teens, but we “adults” could benefit from what Mike has to say (just read between the lines a bit.)  We know that no single formula always works when it comes to the right amount of age difference in a May December couple.  I also know lots of people wish there was a rule.  So if you want a rule, the only one you are going to get is the one legislated where you live.  With that said, we also know that just because an age gap is legal doesn’t mean it is wise.  There’s a lot of common sense in this article.

Let’s just say it rhymes with sougar!

(Posted by Gayle)

I was reading a question on one of my favorite age gap relationship forums.  I felt compelled to write the following post as a response to the question.  If you read what I’ve written you’ll figure out what question to which I am responding.  So hang in there it will all make sense, I just had to share it here!

I’d like to introduce you guys to my mom and my step-dad. Here is their picture. They had a 15 year age difference. The pic was taken in 1976. My father had died 5 years earlier leaving her a widow at the young age of 54. The age gap between my mom and dad was 8 DAYS. My mother died 5 years ago shortly before her 85th birthday and what would have been her 28th wedding anniversary with my step-father.

Now, 5 years later, my step-father enjoys dating a variety of women closer to his own age. We just celebrated his 76th birthday. I guess my mom was a cougar long before it was cool. Their 15 year age difference worked beautifully and was full and complete is EVERY way. The only problem they had is that sometimes HE had a hard time keeping up with her. I can hear her wonderful and much missed laugh as I type these words. She would have had a ball with the concept of being a “cougar.”.

I’m sorry I digressed, what was the question? Something about “what could he possibly see in a woman 18 years older who is his mother’s age”….

If you read Earnest Talks, you’ve read about our dog Shorty and you may even know he is being treated for heart worms. We knew he had a mild case of the little buggers, when we adopted him last December, but they thought his preventative medicine would do the trick. Last week, I took him in for his 6 month check up. Our vet decided we needed to go ahead and treat Shorty’s heart worms more aggressively. The first injection left Shorty sore, droolie, lethargic (but restless), and obviously confused – much like Ron after a recent alternative treatment for his arthritic knee. (There is an orthopedic surgeon in Irving who sharpens his scalpels when he sees Ron’s name in the appointment book. He can’t wait to replace those knees. Ron is trying just about anything to avoid this outcome. Ron blogged about this treatment which he describes as torture.)

I went outside to check on Shorty and found both he and Ron in the backyard. You could see the love and despair in Ron’s body language as he watched Shorty’s unrest. Had there been another observer in our yard that day, he or she would have seen the love and despair in my body language as I watched Ron watching Shorty. Ron noticed my surveillance and just looked at me and shook his head. I could tell he was close to tears. In nearly a whisper I said to him “welcome to my world.” His gentle eyes told me he understood what I meant. He knows I struggle when I see his pain. He said, “at least I can talk”. I remember thinking that while we humans can talk when we are in pain – often we choose silence. I’m learning to live with the silence when it happens. I try not to take it personally, but the damn helpless is the hardest part.

I felt a strange sense of validation when I saw my helpless on Ron’s face. I believe it’s part of loving fiercely. There are things we just can’t “fix”. In my worst moments several years ago when my best friend was dying, I found comfort in the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem – The Invitation .

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

Ron and I both knew this knee treatment would make him feel worse before he got better. We knew that Shorty would feel worse before he got better. I even know when clients walk in the door of my office they may leave feeling worse than when they came. The doctor who’s doing the alternative treatments for Ron has Marine’s t-shirt which says – “pain is weakness leaving the body.” I think what we don’t often take into account is how darn weak we are going to feel while we watch someone else’s pain leave their body.

Thankfully, winter leads to spring. The earth may get cold and hard and the tree are barren but new growth lies just beneath the surface hidden from sight. Austere hibernation is a vital part living. You can’t hide it, fix it, or fade it. You just sit with it, sometimes hold a hand, and keep breathing.