Posted by Gayle

A client and I were talking about “trust issues” the other day.  We can find so many *good* reasons to abandon our ability to trust. The earliest developmental task of an infant,  according to Erik Erikson,  is determining whether or not he or she can trust his or her caretakers to meet its most basic needs.  That infant has no linguist ability… no speech… no words… no cognitive ability to understand words.  Not being able to express myself verbally or understand the verbal expression of others seems like it would cause trust issues in and of itself.  Of course that is being said by Chatty Cathy herself!  In reality, no words mean… NOLIES!!!!!

Your needs either get met or they don’t. As we develop language, we also acquire the ability to fib and be fibbed too.  It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients are dealing with self-doubt because they have been told that one or more of their needs are stupid, irrelevant, not really needs, demanding, etc.  When doubt rears it’s ugly head, control is nearby.

I think we learn to substitute control for trust.   When we no longer believe we can trust, we begin trying to control others and/or ourselves.

con – trol (noun):  • the power to restrain something, esp. one’s own emotions or actions •  a means of limiting or regulating something or someone .

The problem is trust is at the core of our basic nature.  Without the ability to trust, we’re basically screwed.  So what happens when you are betrayed?  Surely you’re not supposed to extend trust to the other person and invite them to screw you again… are you?  I don’t have a quick answer for you here.  What I do have are a few questions for you to ponder…

• If someone betrays you, why are you so quick to blame yourself and think you are stupid or a fool?
• Do you take vengeance and revenge in your own hands and if so does it work to make you feel happier in the long run?
• What do you consider betrayal?  Is there room for imperfection in your life? -and- here is the biggie
• Can you trust yourself to survive betrayal?

I’ve been hurt, wounded, betrayed… whatever you want to call it… more times than I care to remember.  That doesn’t make me special.  It makes me human!  Sadly, betrayal is just part of the human landscape.  When it happens, I go through a period of time where I feel like it is unsurvivable.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours with clients who do not believe they can survive the betrayal-du-jour. Perhaps my most repeated phrase is “it’s not bigger than you… you will not always feel this way.”  When they look at me incredulously and ask me how they are going to survive I tell them the truth… “one breath at a time.”  Breathing is highly underrated.  If you are stilling doing it… then. you. are. surviving.

Control won’t fix a thing.  Trusting yourself will.  Breathing will keep you alive long enough to find a way to breakthrough the pain when betrayal knocks on your door yet again.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.
~Mario Andretti

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
~David Brinkley

Related articles

• Betrayal Sucks (buddhathepig.wordpress.com)
• Book Giveaway: Surviving a Shark Attack (on Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (writer.fitzhome.com)
• NYT: Adultery in marital bed often the absolute betrayal (today.msnbc.msn.com)

Look no further.  Here’s our advice on giving advice!

(Posted by Gayle)

A question from one of our readers came in today.  He’s 45  – she’s 21.  They’ve been seeing each other about 6 months.

…I think that we both worry that there is some issue we are missing.  He says that I’d probably meet some 25 year old stud and go through the thrills of discovery in my twenties and thirties with them, and that he’s practically in his late 40′s. I suppose he feels like he’s taking something from me. While I don’t have the knowledge that he does I feel like I could potentially be taking something from him that he could get from someone his own age. Yet, when we are together all we feel is love. I know it’s still early in the relationship, but we can both feel the real potential for long term commitment. Yet, it is getting curbed by our age difference. Read the rest of this entry »

• Do you know why we call it May December?
  You will when you read this article.

• Are May December relationships really that different?
  Find out if May December relationships are as unconventional as people think.

• Making a May December Relationship Work
  Ron shares some of the secrets he’s learned in 22 years of marriage to Gayle.

• 5 Secrets to a Successful Relationship in any Season
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• Tips, Tricks & Tools:  Are you ready to do some “fall cleaning?”
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• How Fast is too Fast?
  3 secrets to getting your new relationship off to a great start.

• Do you know how to spot all the flags? (Not just the red ones!)
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• What can you do when “it” all feels bigger than you? (Lesson 1)
  Simple stress management for those times when life is overwhelming.

• What can you do when “it” all feels bigger than you?  (Lesson 2)
  More on simple stress management for those times when life is overwhelming

• OMG – WTF…rickingheckhaveigottenmyselfinto?!
  When times are tough in a relationship with an age gap, you may wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into and how you are going to keep it together.

• Our Book Recommendations
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• May December Humor
  Life is often best experienced when not taken too seriously!

You marry him!

(Posted by Gayle)

There had been other loves.  There had even been another husband, but at the ripe of old age of 20 something I fell in love with a man 15 years older than me.  It didn’t seem like a big difference (to us).  But that wasn’t true for some of our friends, family members, and especially his children.

My best friend was also in love with a man 15 or more years older than her.  Our late night wine chats helped me feel normal and really didn’t raise any red flags.  My boss on the other hand thought I was crazy.  I’m not sure how much that had to do with our age difference.  The fact that Ron was hired to take a job my boss wanted might have had something do with it! Read the rest of this entry »

First you start with sex.

(Posted by Ron & Gayle)

Lest you get the wrong idea, we’re talking about the conceptual kind of sex as in our parents procreated and made us kind of sex.   What’s interesting (another visit from Sarah N. Dipity) in our case is that both sets of our parents were procreating at roughly that same time.  Our mother’s gave birth to baby boys on the 10th of December in 1942.  Sadly, Gayle’s parents lost their child three days later.  This strange coincidence is part of our story and seems to have woven us together long before we ever laid eyes on each other.  Such is often the story with May December loves.  The inexplicable hand of fate can be found moving mountains behind the scene to bring the lovers together.

In the weeks to come, we’ll be sharing our “back stories” with you.   Subscribe to our RSS feed and newsletter now you will come to learn what mountains lady fate had to move to bring us together.