December 29th, 2010
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Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)
We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.” I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce. Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.
I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful. In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work. Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship. You were an individual. It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.
Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along. All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples. How do you load the dishwasher? How do you separate the laundry? Do you chew with your mouth open? Do you make strange noises when you laugh? Has there been an affair? Does your libido match that of your partner? Do you have sex too often? Not often enough? Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner. Do you disagree about money? Do you want to have children? Do you not? Do you want more privacy than you get? I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.
So here’s my point. Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship. Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing. Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems. Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out. Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.
Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work. That’s the secret, do the work! So often I find that only one partner is willing. The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help. It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end. Sadly, many of these do end.
Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup. If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship. The same age-gap existed then. Did you believe you were honestly in love? Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then? If so, why did you enter into the relationship. And now, what has changed? Why is age a problem today? If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?
I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end. I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship. That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor. Does it have to be a therapist? No, but that may be best. After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals. I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.
While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship. As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them. In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact. I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues. I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue. I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it. In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship. That is my job.
So I want to amend something I said above. Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse. Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex… By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship. Don’t use it as an excuse. “Do the work!”
