Posted by Gayle

This is the most refreshingly honest post I’ve seen written about May-December couples!   I. love. it.

How about you?

“May-December” and Life..

Posted by Gayle

A client and I were talking about “trust issues” the other day.  We can find so many *good* reasons to abandon our ability to trust. The earliest developmental task of an infant,  according to Erik Erikson,  is determining whether or not he or she can trust his or her caretakers to meet its most basic needs.  That infant has no linguist ability… no speech… no words… no cognitive ability to understand words.  Not being able to express myself verbally or understand the verbal expression of others seems like it would cause trust issues in and of itself.  Of course that is being said by Chatty Cathy herself!  In reality, no words mean… NOLIES!!!!!

Your needs either get met or they don’t. As we develop language, we also acquire the ability to fib and be fibbed too.  It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients are dealing with self-doubt because they have been told that one or more of their needs are stupid, irrelevant, not really needs, demanding, etc.  When doubt rears it’s ugly head, control is nearby.

I think we learn to substitute control for trust.   When we no longer believe we can trust, we begin trying to control others and/or ourselves.

con – trol (noun):  • the power to restrain something, esp. one’s own emotions or actions •  a means of limiting or regulating something or someone .

The problem is trust is at the core of our basic nature.  Without the ability to trust, we’re basically screwed.  So what happens when you are betrayed?  Surely you’re not supposed to extend trust to the other person and invite them to screw you again… are you?  I don’t have a quick answer for you here.  What I do have are a few questions for you to ponder…

• If someone betrays you, why are you so quick to blame yourself and think you are stupid or a fool?
• Do you take vengeance and revenge in your own hands and if so does it work to make you feel happier in the long run?
• What do you consider betrayal?  Is there room for imperfection in your life? -and- here is the biggie
• Can you trust yourself to survive betrayal?

I’ve been hurt, wounded, betrayed… whatever you want to call it… more times than I care to remember.  That doesn’t make me special.  It makes me human!  Sadly, betrayal is just part of the human landscape.  When it happens, I go through a period of time where I feel like it is unsurvivable.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours with clients who do not believe they can survive the betrayal-du-jour. Perhaps my most repeated phrase is “it’s not bigger than you… you will not always feel this way.”  When they look at me incredulously and ask me how they are going to survive I tell them the truth… “one breath at a time.”  Breathing is highly underrated.  If you are stilling doing it… then. you. are. surviving.

Control won’t fix a thing.  Trusting yourself will.  Breathing will keep you alive long enough to find a way to breakthrough the pain when betrayal knocks on your door yet again.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.
~Mario Andretti

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
~David Brinkley

Related articles

• Betrayal Sucks (buddhathepig.wordpress.com)
• Book Giveaway: Surviving a Shark Attack (on Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (writer.fitzhome.com)
• NYT: Adultery in marital bed often the absolute betrayal (today.msnbc.msn.com)

I guess not since my body really is getting older (a post by Ron)

We celebrated Christmas with our friend Sheri the other night and one of the gifts she gave me was a pair of “arthritis” gloves.  You wear them and the heat is supposed to help with pain in your knuckles.  OK, I do have some arthritis – in my fingers and knees and – stop it!  The problem I have with the gloves is that they really do help.  I would much rather just pretend the arthritis wasn’t happening.  And then there was the shirt she got me that said something about putting the Zen into senior citizen.  I think I need to talk to her.

I recently celebrated my 68th birthday.  Yep, my body is 68 years old.  My spirit is not.  I love the joke I saw recently about the “older” man with the 20 year old inside yelling “what the f… happened?”  I don’t remember getting to be this age but it doesn’t really matter.  I think a good age is the one you are at right now.  The arthritis is not bad and can be controlled.  Losing weight has certainly helped my knees.  My attitude about life keeps my spirit younger than my body.  Maybe 68 is the new 20!  OK, maybe not, but I still like bringing out the 20 year old to see how life really is at my “good” age.

By the way.  Gayle wanted to try on my glove last night to see if it would help her hand.  I guess she should talk with Sheri about that.

For the last week you’ve been talking amongst yourselves or perhaps better said “taking amongst yourself.” Who knew when we picked “generosity of spirit” as our topic of the week it would evoke such an internal response in so many of you?

Some of the things we heard are:

• I don’t consider myself to be a generous person.

• I forgot that all those things my partner does for me are acts of generosity. I’m ashamed to say, I’ve come to expect them now.
• If I mention the ways in which I am generous out loud, isn’t that being conceited?
• I’m not in a relationship with anyone so I don’t have anything to contribute.
• I’ve got something to say, but I don’t think it’s exactly what you wanted.

Ah the voices in our heads. We love to make stuff up don’t we? We draw conclusions in our minds and assume our assumptions are correct. We’re not exactly sure what we expected to get, but we really didn’t expect it to cause so much inner turmoil in so many of you. We must admit we like it when we stir your inner pots a bit. Frustration and confusion often proceed growth. We’ve decided to leave the topic open for another week. We want more!

Here are somethings to consider:

1. There are no right answers.
2. Anyone can “play” – you need not be in a committed relationship to enter.
3. If you can’t see generosity in yourself – how can you see it in others? We’ve all been told that it isn’t nice to brag or boast. We aren’t asking for bragging or boasting. We are asking for sharing. There is a difference.
4. We think if we had asked you to tell us what bugs you about your partner, kids, co-workers, etc. it would have been easier for you to comment. Perhaps we are more prone to recognize what we don’t like than what we do. It’s much easier to let your inner critic run wild and say awful things about you than to find admiration for yourself. Please practice being gentle with yourself.
5. Use any format you choose. (See number 1.)

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Thanks for reading.

Or is today a good day to die? (Posted by Ron)

Gayle and I recently attended a memorial service for a man who died much too young.  He left behind a young family and many, many friends.  At the service the speaker made the comment “there’s never a right time to die.”  The Ogallala Sioux chief Crazy Horse is said to have exhorted his braves with the words “Hoka-Hey (Let’s do it!)  Today is a good day to die.”

By it’s very name a May December relationship is about partners with different ages.  One of the most discussed fears is that the older partner will die and leave the younger partner alone.  It does happen, but like many fears, it’s simply another example of future events appearing real.  I have many friends who have died young, most leaving partners or other loved ones behind.  Whether they were the oldest or youngest partner is immaterial.  The fact is that most deaths leave someone behind.  Regardless of the relative ages of the participants, the pain is the same.

If you are in a relationship with someone your age or at least close to your age do you spend a lot of time worrying about their death?  I doubt it.  If you are trying to decide whether or not to enter into a May December relationship because of the age differences will you make your decision in fear or love?  If it’s right, it’s right, regardless of age.  It’s not really unusual for the older partner to lose the younger to death.

So what does this have to do with the words that started this post?  Possibly not much.  For most of us the loss of any loved one usually comes at the wrong time.  Maybe not from their viewpoint but certainly from ours.  And what about Crazy Horse’s exhortation to his warriors?  How did he know it was a good day to die?  My guess is any day he was fighting for his way of life was a good day to die for him.  I do believe there are right times and good days to die.  I hope mine will be a very long time from now but I don’t control that. September 5, 1877 was obviously the good day for Crazy Horse to die.

Don’t make your life decisions in fear.  Make them in love and bravery and joy.  After all, none of us are going to get out of this alive so make the most of the time you have.  Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years.  Each can be a lifetime in it’s own way.  The right time and the good day to die is whatever day we or our loved one passes into the next great adventure.  Celebrate all of the right and good days to live until then.