A: Very carefully.
(Posted by Gayle)
Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours. For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!) In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages. But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.
Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:
- Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.) Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry. Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
- They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned. One may like him or her. Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance. Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle. Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives. If they were raised with manners they will be polite. If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
- Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying. You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out. Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own. If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
- Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need. Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
- Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents. If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids. Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”. Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened. Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce. Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children. No one is blame free in any marriage.
- They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here. I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first. They deserve consideration and respect. Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
- Respect. If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it. You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person. Treat them like you want to be treated. Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc. If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you. They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
- Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids. Pay attention. Do you talk more than you listen? You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in? With that said. Make sure you participate in conversations. That means both talking and listening. Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much. It means using words to get someone to share more with you. If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship. You’ll just be sharing space.
- Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated. Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love. That is a gift given over time.
The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life. They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me. And stick it out we did. Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love. It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.
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She made me cry….
