Put all the Seasons to Work for You in Your Relationship

So you’ve found the “MayDecember Secrets” website and blog – now what?  Well first, you’ll subscribe to our RSS feed and our newsletter.  There is a lot of valuable information out here and new things are being posted almost every day.  We wouldn’t want you to miss anything!    Second, you just start reading.   If you aren’t in a relationship with an age gap, you may be wondering what is here for you.  While our secrets do come from our May December Relationship, we know they will enhance any marriage in any season.  We all know the seasons as they relate to weather.  In the many years we been in private practice, we’ve seen the same processes that happen cyclically in nature also happen in relationships.

We don’t think of the seasons as one-time pass-throughs in our marriage.  When an older man or woman meet that special someone, it doesn’t automatically mean the older person is in the winter of his or her life.  Nor does it mean the younger person is only in the spring of his or her life.   The seasons are more than a yearly occurrence.  At any given time, the essence of each season is at work in our lives and relationships.  They are ongoing parallel processes.  Understanding how the seasons are moving or flowing at any moment in your relationship can help you work WITH what’s happening instead of working AGAINST it.

Spring brings growth, summer is a time of stability, letting go happens in the fall, and winter is the season of hibernation.  The essence of each season is a necessity to life.  No one season is better or worse than the other.  They each bring different gifts and they exist in an interdependent relationship with each other.  When you learn to recognize and use the seasons in your marriage and your life amazing things can happen. Read the rest of this entry »

Pour Ma Fem!

(Posted by Ron)

I do, and since I was a young, manly Navy man, I was embarrassed beyond belief.  No, I didn’t need it, but my first wife did.  I don’t remember how she convinced me to go alone to the store for them, but I did.  I also remember telling her I never wanted to do it again.

So tell me ladies.  How long was it before you could convince your partner to do such intimate shopping for you?  And you guys, have you done this for the woman you love?  If you have, have you done it more than once?  Some of you will say yes to both questions.  Many of you have successfully avoided having to make that purchase, regardless of how much you love her. Read the rest of this entry »

Imagine my shock when realized I was indeed a hypocrite. I really didn’t love her the way she was and often would tell her so when I was angry. With the 15 extra years of wisdom, I knew I was right. Heck – I didn’t need the 15 years for vindication, but it was shame to waste such good justification! On the other hand, I rarely let her know what I needed from her when I wasn’t angry. As a result, it was hard to make my case when all I was doing was pointing my finger and blaming. I still didn’t understand relationships (even with 15 years of extra/excess wisdom!) I still didn’t understand give and take. I still didn’t understand that it was OK to be angry but not OK to be blaming. Our age difference wasn’t the cause of my unhappiness – I was.

It’s not really important to know the result of James’ and Judy’s counseling. What’s important is to know how to answer when you ask yourself that question. So, here it is – it goes for Decembers, Mays, and anyone else in a primary relationship. Here’s the answer to “why do I have to change?” It’s simple. You change so that you can have your way! You change so that you can get what you want! Does that sound selfish? Of course it does. How often have you gotten what you want by not being selfish? Selfishness has always gotten a bad rap. The question is – are you willing to be selfish enough to make your marriage work?

Read part 4.

Well, until recently I would have said nothing.  Now I know better!

Posted by Ron

I was watching Doctor Who a while ago and realized I recognized the music that was playing.  The episode was “The Doctor Dances” and the music was one of the big bands from the 1940s.  When the music ended on the TV it continued in my head.  I realized I recognized the song “In The Mood” and even the band leader, Glenn Miller.

Gayle and I recently saw Queensryche in concert.  I’m sure not many of you know that group but in our Discover days we enjoyed their song “Silent Lucidity.”  Boy, were we surprised when the concert began.

Let me digress.  Why?  Because this is one of those times when I understand why I have been successful in maintaining an age-gap relationship.  Let’s go back to the 1940s.  Remember, I was born in 1942.  I certainly listened to the big band music my older siblings danced to in our living room.  When the 1950s rolled around Chuck Barry and Elvis and Jerry Lee and Johnny Mathis and other 1950s “rockers” came into my life.  I have to admit I was not an Elvis fan, but many others became my favorites.  I particularly remember that Johnny Mathis sang my first “our song.”  It was The Twelfth of Never.  I also got to suffer the teenage angst of the night the music died; when Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens died in a plane crash in 1959.

I don’t remember too much of the sixties music because I was busy protecting our country in the Navy (I actually worked in an office) and getting my bachelor’s degree in Accounting.  I do, however, remember fondly the music of Iron Butterfly and The Doors.  I’ve even visited Jim Morrison’s grave in Paris twice.

This continued through the seventies and eighties and nineties, and etc.  I’ve talked about being willing to change in order to maintain an age-gap (or any) relationship.  In this particular case change came because I was willing to listen to music, hear the message and enjoy the beats.  My mom and dad were convinced that rock and roll would rot our brains.  I think there are parents today that feel the same way about 21st century rock or rap music.  But have they listened to the music?  I doubt it.

I don’t listen to nearly as much music as Gayle.  She knows a whole lot more than I about who is popular and who is singing what.  That doesn’t much matter to me.  I just listen.  I’m rarely sure who it is, but I don’t listen unless I like it.  You know what?  I love today’s music, regardless of who is singing it.  The music is all that’s necessary.

So, what do you think Sally Rand and Eminem have in common?  Music!  Why does that matter?  Because Queensryche had a show that we never expected.  It included Cirgue d’Soleil type acts, ballet, a stripper and a fan dancer.  (For those of you who don’t know, Sally Rand was a fan dancer.)  And included in all of that mayhem was Queensryche, singing some really great hard rock.  And how does Eminem fit into this blog?  He represents the pinnacle of my evolution in the arena of the music I like.  I would have never listened to him had Gayle not become interested a few years ago.  I started with Glenn Miller and Stan Kenton and have evolved to Eminem and Queensryche.  At some point that night Gayle turned to me and asked “what are we doing here?”  The answer is very simple.  As Geoff Tate, the lead singer said, we were there to “celebrate the music.”

I celebrate the life I find in the music.  I celebrate the change I find in me because I enjoy today’s music when many folks my age don’t understand it.  I celebrate my willingness to not be old.  I celebrate the fact that an age-gap relationship is just the norm to me.  Age, after all, does not make a relationship, just like it does not make a song or a popular singer.  Celebrate your life and hear all of the music that gives it your soundtrack.  Johnnie Mathis anyone?

Any True Blood fans out there?  In the books Elvis never went away; he just became a vampire.  He has not appeared in the HBO series yet and maybe that’s best.  In the books he was “made” as a vampire after his brain had begun to deteriorate.  They call him Bubba in the books.  That should tell you something.

By the way, Queesnrych didn’t even sing Silent Lucidity!

Posted by Gayle

This quote is right on for all of us!  Not just those of  who are May-December Lovers. Enjoy….

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.” – Gail Sheehy

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