Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

Get a Generator!

(Posted by Gayle)

That’s the water rushing out of our backyard and our neighbor’s yard. We’ve had better days here in Dallas and we’ve had worse.  We are among the quarter of a million people who lost power during last night’s storms.  We’re at 21 hours and counting with no electricity.  It gives being “powerless” a whole new meaning!  Our nerves frayed and the stress levels in our household soared as we realized our situation wasn’t going to be remedied quickly (there are indeed drawbacks to working at home.)

Ron managed to snatch the last gasoline powered generator off the shelves at the local Home Depot.  Thankfully no food is spoiling, we have WIFI, and the window unit air conditioner we have in bedroom is keeping us cool tonight. We have it better than so many other folks here many of whom are in hotels, staying with family, or shelters tonight.  
There were moments during in the day when we came close to losing our cool with each other.  Here’s how we survived.

1. We just kept breathing (which is highly underrated.)
2. We recognized that each of us shows our stress in different ways and we tried to stay out of each other’s way for the most part.
3. We were, however, as courteous as possible to each other.
4. We offered assistance to one another and tried to be extra helpful.
5. We took time to stop, look each other in the eye, and communicate about what was happening in calm tones.
6. We went out of our way to avoid taking our anger and frustration out on each other.
7. And sometimes I just had to let the tears flow.

But mostly tonight we are counting our blessings.  Ron’s ingenuity and tireless efforts in caring for “this old house” are at the top of my list.

Update:  at 9 am this morning, TXU said “let there be light” and there was light.  Whew…..

(Posted by Gayle)

We’re not even on the boat yet – so let’s not rock it!

You better learn how to quit making stuff up, raise your cloaking device, think fast, hold your tongue, and pick the right time to clear the air.

1. Quit Making shituff up.
   So back at the airport in Atlanta things were beginning to get hairy.  I tried to maintain a Doris Day-like mindful attitude.  You know, “que sera sera – whatever will be will be.”  I imagined that holding a ship for a hundred or more passengers was not out of the ordinary, but I didn’t actually know.  Technically, I made the story up.  Others around me seemed to be inventing similar tales.  But Ron decided to call the cruise line and find out the real story.  He was not exactly given an answer.  The ship might be held, but the cruise line didn’t get to make the final call about leaving port.  We were informed it is actually up to the port authority to make the final call and no decision had been made about what to do with the stranded wannabe Ruby Princess Cruisers.
2. Raise Your Cloaking Device
   As the time passed it became clear that Delta was also “making up” departure times. At 1pm a newly recorded message announced our flight had been delayed again and the new departure time was scheduled for 12:15pm.  At this point, it became painfully clear that nobody at Delta really knew when were leaving either. The optimistic and upbeat mood in the gate area began to shift.  People were becoming more agitated and began milling about.  I felt myself absorbing the tension and getting rattled.  I focused on my breathing and started reminding myself that things happen for a reason.  Perhaps I didn’t know why this was happening at the moment.  I reminded myself to settle down.  Using breathing and rational self-talk techniques I was trying to invoke my cloaking shield so the Klingons couldn’t see me!
3. Hold Your Tongue
   As with all camels, one too many straws breaks backs.  When Ron told me our trip insurance was null and void because we had technically already started the voyage, I felt my shields dropping.  I don’t know what I said, but it had an edge to it.  Ron gave me “a look” and said in a blunt tone “let’s not take this out on each other.”  I knew he was right, but it was getting to be more than I could handle at the moment. I chose a tried and true technique.  I held my tongue.  He did the same.  We were agitated and looking for ways to take it out on each other.  We didn’t, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t get dangerously close to the edge.  It took both of us holding both of tongues to make it work.  If either of us had made a misstep at this point, I’m pretty sure all bets would have been off and a fight would have ensued.  They were happening all around us as people were taking out their frustrations on traveling companions, Delta employees, and anonymous people on the end of many cell phone calls.  Goodness only knows how many HOT text messages crossed the airways from the gate that afternoon.
4. Think Fast (but that doesn’t mean you can stop holding your tongue!)
   What transpired next is a blur to me even still.  All of sudden it was around 1:15pm.  We were running down the terminal to a 1:30pm Delta flight for Ft.Lauderdale.  An airline representative said they were going to try to get our luggage on this flight (our earlier plan was to stick with our luggage.)  We had no guarantees about anything.   We didn’t know if we would get on the 1:30pm flight, we didn’t know if our luggage would be on it, we didn’t know when the flight would actually depart because it was obvious it would not be taking off in 15 minutes.  Once we arrived in Ft. Lauderdale we had no guarantee that our transfer through the cruise line would be waiting to get us to the ship, and finally we had not guarantee that the ship would wait for us.  But Ron made a quick decision and started hauling buns to the new gate.  I followed.  Trust me, being that out-of-control of the outcome was making me nutty.  Besides breathing deeply and thinking positively, I had one other stress reducing tool at my fingertips – my cell phone and facebook mobile.  I started posted mobile updates on the run.  My friends responses kept me going.  Once we were in the air, I slept most of the way.  I told Ron I just couldn’t talk.  I was trying desperately to regain my composure.

   When we landed and were headed to baggage claim with so many unknowns, I had a mini-meltdown over a slipping backpack.  If I had been at home, It would have been all over.  The fight would have been on.  Not because Ron had done anything.  I just wanted an opponent.  As it was, tears were pooling in my eyes.  My anxiety and frustration peaked.  Ron realized I was about to “lose it”.  He gently asked me if I wanted to stop and sit for a moment.  Under my breath in a brusque, bordering on mean, tone of voice I said “just leave me alone and keep walking.”  He knew this was my way of trying to keep from exploding.  I am thankful beyond belief that he didn’t “go off on me” in that moment.  Instead he gave me some space.

   We were both still working on holding our tongues.  My frustration didn’t dissipate until we were actually on the bus headed to the dock. It wasn’t being on the bus that freed me.  It was a woman, not many years older than me, who was having difficulty walking.  She desperately needed a bathroom.  She dragged herself to the back of the bus only to discover the bathroom as inoperable (we were sitting right next to it.)  The door was closed and locked.  No amount of pushing cause it to yield.  She was fighting tears.  I felt her pain.  I had been there on more than one occasion.  Her plight was so compelling that all of sudden our ordeal didn’t seem so bad.  I saw her on the ship later and wanted to ask how she fared and tell her of my compassion, but decided to spare her dignity instead.

5. Clear the air
   Once safely aboard the ship, there we a few more tense moments, but as the circumstances began to settle down – so did we.  For most couples, that would have been enough.  I, however, have a strong need to know when a fight is over and end it with some sort of loving gesture.  This didn’t happen much in my childhood.  My parents fought a lot and I never knew when they were okay again.  Additionally, my mom could be mad one minute and over it the next.  As an adult I’ve come to realize how much I need an official ending to a fight.  I’ve also discovered that when you don’t get closure, things tend to pop back up at inopportune moments.  My dad and I had a private nickname for mom – we called her “the throw up.”  She was really good at reminding you of past mistakes when you made a new one.  Ron has learned this about me over the years and is willing to work with me on closure to our fights.  Again, I don’t remember the exact circumstances of the apology, or amends, or kissing and making up, or whatever you want to call it, but I do know that we shared some about what happened and apologized to each other.  It ended with a warm and loving embrace.  I’d blame Dixie for that too, but I think we can take credit for that one herself.  I know our marriage (and this trip) is better for it!

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(Posted by Gayle)

Okay let’s do it!

Non-shared comfort zones are the death of many a relationship.  For a May December Couple its poison can be as deadly as that of a Coral Snake.  The bite may come from out of nowhere and once bitten the relationship’s chances for survival diminish with every minute spent without the antidote. Examples of non shared comfort zones include:

• He loves to socialize and get out with people.  She is a homebody and prefers ordering pizza in and renting a DVD.
• She loves to travel the world.  His world is five square miles in diameter.  Everything he could ever want is within a few minutes of home.
• He loves sports and hosting parties for the games.  She doesn’t stop him, but refuses to participate.  Instead, she stays in her room and catches up on reading or surfs the web.
• He tinkers with old cars.  She longs to learn to rumba.  She takes dance lessons.  He goes to swap meets.  They do very little together.

They may not have an age difference, but there is certainly a gap developing. All of these marriages have fallen prey to their own style of comfort zone – that place where life is familiar, ordinary, and/or habitual, but not necessarily safe.  It’s a zone that gets smaller and smaller when left unchallenged.  One day you wake up in its constricting grip and look for the snake.  We’re in favor of couples having individual interests and pursuits.  We just find that it can be easy to fall into a routine and not realize that your partner is feeling limited or resentful of the routine.

When May and December find themselves in incompatible or even compatible, but static comfort zones they often chalk it up to the age difference.  The age gap may be perceived as the problem.  It is seen as immutable!  You have permission to stay stuck and continue doing what you were doing because you can’t change your age.

When we met Dixie, Ron and I were sharing the same comfort zone.  Our life was on a fairly routine path.  We were both yearning for something more, but we were comfortable with playing it small.  We weren’t exactly sure what was missing and were concerned that aging was making it impossible to have a larger life.  Joints were aching.  Yard work was a pain in more ways than one.  Running too many errands “tuckered” us out.  Since life is full of yard work and errands, we were in a static comfort zone.  We both knew we could take better care of ourselves physically, but whatever was absent seemed like something more than just a trip to the gym.

I had already turned down the idea of going to the Hay House writing workshop at sea once.  Some of the reasons I gave myself for not going were;

• It costs too much money.
• I have no desire to go on a cruise.
• I can always hire a coach.
• I can just buy a book about writing a book.

The day the brochure came in the mail, however, something inside me stirred.  In retrospect, I realize it was my heart’s wisdom nudging up against the wall of fear surrounding my comfort zone.  I pondered the information.  I decided I needed to go, but that it should be a “dual” journey.  I knew Ron would support my decision to go, but would not naturally think about joining me.

The desire to write a book was “my thing” – not his.  I knew he would encourage my work whole-heartedly, but again the nudging inside said “no – you need to go together.”  I told him I wanted him to come with me and hear everything said at the same time I was hearing it.  I worried if I had to come home and share all the information with him, by the time I finished recounting my experiences, I would be tired and lose my zest.  It had happened before.

The next words he uttered shattered our comfort zones, but it would be a while before we realized what happened.  He said “okay, let’s do it.”

I wonder how many marriages have become putrid from the decay caused by the word “no?”  The last year has been filled with ups, downs, and all arounds for Ron and me.  At times, I’ve said “yes” too much.  I’ve worn myself down and sometimes out.  At the same time, my comfort zone has exploded like a hard boiled egg in a microwave.

I’m not telling you to try this at home, but I am suggesting you examine how open you are to new experiences and make sure your partner is at least sharing your comfort zone with you.  I’ve seen some once lovely relationships die right under one of the partner’s noses because he or she didn’t realize his or her comfort zone was TOLERATED – NOT SHARED by the spouse.

Being blasted out of your comfort zone isn’t always recommended, but for us – for now, it is the right thing.  We have been more than willing to follow and devour the breadcrumbs provided for us by a certain redheaded dame.  Sometimes you just have to follow a different leader….

Life is not tried it is merely survived when you are standing outside the fire. ~  Garth Brooks

But what happens when you are about to miss the next boat out of your comfort zone?  Tune in tomorrow. Subscribe to our RSS feed now and you won’t miss a single tip, trick, or tool!

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You blame Dixie for everything!

(Posted by Gayle)

It’s the one year and 2 week anniversary of meeting the idiosyncratic Sarah “Dixie” Feldman LaRue (and not a minute too) Laite.  Most of what follows is all her fault…

We were between Dallas and Ft. Lauderdale doing everything in our power as individuals and a couple to not meltdown in the Hartsfield Airport in Atlanta.  When we reach Florida we are to board the Ruby Princess and travel across the Atlantic to Portugal, Spain, Gibraltar, and Italy.  But there is a problem.  NO PLANE and no plane means we are going to be late to meet the Laites and there is no such as late when it comes to cruise ships – they call it MISSING THE BOAT.

To understand why all of this is Dixie’s fault you need some history regarding all the  things that have changed in our lives since we met her in April of 2008 on a (you guessed it) cruise.  It was a first sailing for us and for Dixie.  The cruise was sponsored by Hay House Publishing Co.  We were there to learn more about the craft of writing and getting published, but we got more… much more than we ever really bargained for.  We got Dixie.  Since that time she has been instrumental in getting us to…

• Become facebookers, myspacers, linked in’ers, (she now lobbying for us to add Twitter.)
• Leave the pc world, drink the Apple Kool-Aid and become rabid “MacPeople” (yes she even had a hand in that.)
• Create our blog which has over 100,000 words of content mostly on the topic of marriage, blending families, macaroni and cheese, and the unique needs and concerns of the May December couple.
• Go to Vegas for the first time.
• Become swingers (as in Swing Dancing people!)
• Dress like a flapper era gangster and his moll for the never too late Laite/Feldman nuptials.
• Make a trip to NYC for said wedding which was written up in the New York Times.
• Sail across the Atlantic Ocean to ports in Portugal, Spain, and Italy as we accompany them on their honeymoon.

Some of the other significant (perhaps even life changing events) of the last 12 months are:

• Having a series of prolo therapy and platelet rich replacement therapy in various painful joints as means to regain our youthful vim and vigor without surgery.  (Please note this treatment involved approximately 1 bazillion needles in each joint area, but has made Swing, Merengue, Salsa dancing, and Waltzing possible for us!)
• Becoming good friends with a podcasting family in London whom we have never actually laid eyes on, but have collaborated with on their PodCast and communicated with on a regular basis.
• Through facebook, reuniting with two of Gayle’s very special cousins and one of her closest friends in high school.

Between April 2008 and now we’ve busted out of our comfort zone and didn’t even scream, that is until Saturday when we realized we were in serious danger of MISSING THE BOAT.

-continued tommorrow-

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