You marry him!

(Posted by Gayle)

There had been other loves.  There had even been another husband, but at the ripe of old age of 20 something I fell in love with a man 15 years older than me.  It didn’t seem like a big difference (to us).  But that wasn’t true for some of our friends, family members, and especially his children.

My best friend was also in love with a man 15 or more years older than her.  Our late night wine chats helped me feel normal and really didn’t raise any red flags.  My boss on the other hand thought I was crazy.  I’m not sure how much that had to do with our age difference.  The fact that Ron was hired to take a job my boss wanted might have had something do with it! Read the rest of this entry »

In reality, there’s more to it than just legality!

(Posted by Ron)

I remember a time when I was about 15 years old and was with a few of my friends at a little league baseball game.  We weren’t there to play of course.  We were there to watch girls.  After all, I lived in a small town and there wasn’t a whole lot to do.  As we sat there a new girl walked past us.  None of us had seen her before and when we did our hormones started doing back flips.

She was what we would call today “a hottie.”  She was about 5′ 3″, very cute, and really built!  She obviously knew the effect she had on boys and was working it.  She was one of the cutest girls we had ever seen.  As we drooled and said all of the things we would like to do to her a guy behind us got our attention.  “Her family just moved into town,’ he said.  ‘She’s cute, but she’s only eleven years old.” Read the rest of this entry »

Confirmed, Mark Ronson and Daisy Lowe Split Up

September 16, 2008 08:26:52 GMT

aceshowbiz.com

A representative for her refused to comment on the cause of their split, but it’s been rumored that their age difference has become a trigger.

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No words on the reason for their split, but rumor has it, their separation was triggered by their 14-year age gap. “Daisy is a girl about town just finding her feet on the party scene and loving every minute of it. She is still a teenager and although she’s got a wise head on her shoulders, she’s still a very young woman,” a source revealed. “But Mark is the opposite. He’s at a very different stage in his life. He’s 33 now and although he enjoys the party lifestyle he’s looking to settle down and Daisy isn’t ready for that.”  Read entire article here.

Gayle’s Commentary

Okay, I hate to admit this, but I don’t know who Mark Ronson or Daisy Lowe are.  Maybe it’s because I’m not a Brit.  Maybe if I was British I still wouldn’t know.  What I DO know is that he is 33 and she is 19.  That’s a 14 year age gap.  Ron and I have a 15 year age difference, but I wasn’t 19 when we started dating.  I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be writing this article had we met when I was 19 (he was 34.)   He was building a career and moving up the corporate ladder.  I was bartending and getting ready to catapult into a very dark time in my life. Read the rest of this entry »

I read with interest Gayle’s comments about how we dealt with responsibilities early in our relationship. She was right, she didn’t like the way I loaded the dishwasher. I don’t remember why, but that’s not important. As I said in an earlier post, I was selfish enough to learn how she wanted it done.

So, have you ever looked carefully at a dishwasher? Have you checked the baskets that roll out to make it easier to load? Most dishwashers, like ours, have compartments that are designed for certain sized glasses, cups, plates, saucers, pans, etc. There is a certain symmetry about a dishwasher. If you load it wrong, what it is supposed to wash does not get clean. Somehow over the years of our marriage I became the (best) loader of the dishwasher. That’s right. I don’t like the way Gayle loads the dishwasher. I don’t like the way the cleaning lady loads the dishwasher. I do like the way I load the dishwasher.

This blog is not really about dishwashers. It is about change. When Gayle let me know how she felt about the way I loaded the dishwasher, change began. Yes, I listened and watched as she showed me how she wanted it done. I don’t think it mattered at the time because I really didn’t have a great deal of experience loading dishwashers and was willing to learn. I began loading it her way.

It’s good to remember that change continues throughout your life. I don’t recall when the worm turned, so to speak, but there came a time when I noticed that Gayle no longer loaded the dishwasher to my satisfaction. I didn’t stew over it and get mad, I just rearranged the dishes. I didn’t hide it from Gayle, either. I told her what I had done and why. She was fine with it. Her solution was to let me be the chief dishwasher loader. That works very well for me.

Often, change is not quite so obvious. Sometimes it happens even without your knowledge. I can’t pinpoint the time that my method of loading dishes became my preference, but it did. I didn’t even know it until the first time I rearranged what Gayle had done. It may not seem momentous, but small changes can make a huge difference in relationships.

We talk about someone not picking up their socks, or not closing a door (a huge problem with one of my couples.) On the outside looking in a lot of things may seem unimportant. The thing to remember in any relationship is that we each get to assign our own level of importance to any problem. Keep in mind that the reaction to a small problem like picking up socks can mask unexpressed anger or hurt. Be aware. Be present. Watch, listen and learn as your relationship matures.

Um….err….sunshine and roses 24/7?!   NOT!!!

(Posted by Gayle)

Recently I’ve wondered how Ron and I would be perceived by the world were we to be interviewed on a talk show.  Makes me laugh when I think about it – especially in light of the week we’ve just had.  How do I say this delicately?  We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no, too loud and rambunctious),  Frazier and Ali (no, too bloody and violent), Lucy and Ricky (no, too funny and accented),  Gladys and Ralph (no, too industrial), snakes and scorpions?  Yes that’s it.  I think quiet venom sums it up better.

The details of our contentions are irrelevant (and private though goodness only knows, between facebook and this blog, nothing much about our life seems confidential anymore.)  What is relevant is that personal arguments are not something typically discussed by marriage experts on Oprah.  If you listen to Dr. Phil, it sounds like he and Robin have never gone 10 rounds over two or three days.  Does John Gray spill his guts about what it is like when he and the Mrs. are so mad he is spitting nails from his cave? Do these people ever get pissed off at each other?  I wonder.

It’s just not part of the “fairy tale” and frankly if you don’t know how darned normal it is, it can scare the daylights of you.  It know it does me.  Not because I fear for my life or physical safety, but in some of our worst moments I can’t imagine ever laughing with Ron again or having him hold me (he would second that emotion.)

I am NOT here to tell you that you have to fight to be a normal couple.  I don’t even know what normal is.  I’m just saying that even those of us with the most education, experience, and tools can come to emotional blows at times. And when it happens we feel perfectly awful for days.  So, when we are on our book tour and Oprah asks if we always use the tools we talk about in our book or blog, I hope I’m not taking a sip of whatever she serves in those cups.  It’s likely to come flying out of my nose (note to self:  wear black on Oprah Show.)

If you are looking for a perfect couple to be your mentors on this May December journey, then you might want to hit the back button on your browser and check your search results again.  Ron and I are perfect…ly flawed humans!

What brings the magic back into our fairy tale?   The sum of the whole is greater than our parts.  I don’t think we necessarily “complete” each other, but we do balance each other.  And without the balance we bring to each other,  there would be a lot more tripping and falling flat.  We are better together.

I am energetic and creative.  I’ve been referred to as “Sister Buzzy Hummingbird” by some of my closest friends.

Ron is enduring, deliberate, and patient.  My mother referred to him as “comfortable like an old shoe” after she met him the first time.

Ron rarely uses his allotment of words for the day.

I frequently have to dip into his word allotment when I run out.

I am a social creature who needs friends with whom to share intimate details of my life.

Ron has not seen his best friend in years, but they send regular emails to each other. These emails consist of jokes and very few personal exchanges.  Ron’s loyalty to his best friend is undying.

I am emotional.  I frequently get overwhelmed by life and pretend I am the Wicked Witch of the West (I am referring to “melting down” people!)

Ron is not outwardly very emotional and is certainly ruled by logic (perhaps a Vulcan mutt so to speak.)

I wouldn’t be half a person without Ron, but I wouldn’t be as good a person.  He helps ground me.  I bring awe and wonder to him.  Now with that said, on any day the wrong mix of logic and emotion; grounding, awe and wonder, and deliberate and buzzy can be as volcanic as baking soda and vinegar.  What’s important is to not make any life altering decisions and do no irreparable harm while the volcano is erupting.  Sometimes we even go to bed angry, because we know we are tired and need a solution that will require clear minds and some sleep. In those moments, I try my hardest to remember they pass and the magic returns.  So far that’s always been true for us.  Even after 22 years, I’m not taking it for granted.  More appropriately said – it’s something I’ve come to trust.

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