Um….err….sunshine and roses 24/7?!   NOT!!!

(Posted by Gayle)

Recently I’ve wondered how Ron and I would be perceived by the world were we to be interviewed on a talk show.  Makes me laugh when I think about it – especially in light of the week we’ve just had.  How do I say this delicately?  We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no, too loud and rambunctious),  Frazier and Ali (no, too bloody and violent), Lucy and Ricky (no, too funny and accented),  Gladys and Ralph (no, too industrial), snakes and scorpions?  Yes that’s it.  I think quiet venom sums it up better.

The details of our contentions are irrelevant (and private though goodness only knows, between facebook and this blog, nothing much about our life seems confidential anymore.)  What is relevant is that personal arguments are not something typically discussed by marriage experts on Oprah.  If you listen to Dr. Phil, it sounds like he and Robin have never gone 10 rounds over two or three days.  Does John Gray spill his guts about what it is like when he and the Mrs. are so mad he is spitting nails from his cave? Do these people ever get pissed off at each other?  I wonder.

It’s just not part of the “fairy tale” and frankly if you don’t know how darned normal it is, it can scare the daylights of you.  It know it does me.  Not because I fear for my life or physical safety, but in some of our worst moments I can’t imagine ever laughing with Ron again or having him hold me (he would second that emotion.)

I am NOT here to tell you that you have to fight to be a normal couple.  I don’t even know what normal is.  I’m just saying that even those of us with the most education, experience, and tools can come to emotional blows at times. And when it happens we feel perfectly awful for days.  So, when we are on our book tour and Oprah asks if we always use the tools we talk about in our book or blog, I hope I’m not taking a sip of whatever she serves in those cups.  It’s likely to come flying out of my nose (note to self:  wear black on Oprah Show.)

If you are looking for a perfect couple to be your mentors on this May December journey, then you might want to hit the back button on your browser and check your search results again.  Ron and I are perfect…ly flawed humans!

What brings the magic back into our fairy tale?   The sum of the whole is greater than our parts.  I don’t think we necessarily “complete” each other, but we do balance each other.  And without the balance we bring to each other,  there would be a lot more tripping and falling flat.  We are better together.

I am energetic and creative.  I’ve been referred to as “Sister Buzzy Hummingbird” by some of my closest friends.

Ron is enduring, deliberate, and patient.  My mother referred to him as “comfortable like an old shoe” after she met him the first time.

Ron rarely uses his allotment of words for the day.

I frequently have to dip into his word allotment when I run out.

I am a social creature who needs friends with whom to share intimate details of my life.

Ron has not seen his best friend in years, but they send regular emails to each other. These emails consist of jokes and very few personal exchanges.  Ron’s loyalty to his best friend is undying.

I am emotional.  I frequently get overwhelmed by life and pretend I am the Wicked Witch of the West (I am referring to “melting down” people!)

Ron is not outwardly very emotional and is certainly ruled by logic (perhaps a Vulcan mutt so to speak.)

I wouldn’t be half a person without Ron, but I wouldn’t be as good a person.  He helps ground me.  I bring awe and wonder to him.  Now with that said, on any day the wrong mix of logic and emotion; grounding, awe and wonder, and deliberate and buzzy can be as volcanic as baking soda and vinegar.  What’s important is to not make any life altering decisions and do no irreparable harm while the volcano is erupting.  Sometimes we even go to bed angry, because we know we are tired and need a solution that will require clear minds and some sleep. In those moments, I try my hardest to remember they pass and the magic returns.  So far that’s always been true for us.  Even after 22 years, I’m not taking it for granted.  More appropriately said – it’s something I’ve come to trust.

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You get to write the ending!

(Posted by Gayle)

Do you remember one of the first signs that the “new” might be wearing off in a relationship you were in?  I do NOT mean the beginning of the end.  I mean the part where you got a bit more comfortable being human.  For me it was not running to brush my teeth before kissing Ron good morning and I can still remember when it became an option to sleep clothed.

Sometimes getting more comfortable with each other may bring along a sense of disillusionment which might feel like the “romance” is over.  I think you can kiss without brushed teeth, sleep without makeup, wear your night-guard or CPAP machine, sleep in flannel pajamas and still find lots of romance. Read the rest of this entry »

As the old saying goes, “old enough!”

(Posted by Ron)

I recently wrote a post about how so many people are interested in the years between my age and Gayle’s.  Yesterday it occurred to me that there are significant differences between my age and the ages of my friends, and Gayle’s age and the ages of her friends, and our friends’ ages and mine and Gayle’s.  Confusing?  It’s really not.

Our best friend is about 25 years younger than I.  We recently cruised with new friends who are a bit younger than Gayle.  Over the years since we started doing our workshops we have made friends with people who are the same age as us, younger, older and age unknown.  We didn’t “card them”  before we became friends.  We didn’t make sure they were interested in the same things as us before deciding to like them.  I only remember wanting their friendship.

I have been asked so often if a couple with a significant age difference should take a chance on a committed relationship.  My answer is consistent.  Do you love each other?  If there were no age difference would you question the decision?  Would your answer be yes?  Those are the questions to ask, not whether your ages are a problem.

As you read this I want you to take a quick inventory of your friends.  Are they all close to the same age as you?  If so, maybe you should branch out some.  If not, did you question your age differences when you became friends?  Did you worry about not having the same interests?  Losing your older friend to death?  Other age related questions?  I doubt it.

My very good friends range in age from less than forty to ages similar to mine.  We have developed similar interests.  We are able to have meaningful  conversations.  We enjoy each other’s company.  Age is not an issue.

We’ve lost young friends and older friends.   Our lives would have been less full without their presence for as long as we got to enjoy them.  Friendships, like relationships and loves don’t depend upon age.  They, too, are based upon love and respect for one another.  Why let questions about age cause problems.  We are “old enough.”

Some secrets are meant to be shared and you don’t have to be in a May December relationship to benefit from ours!  Life is tricky, we need all the help we can get!

Pass this on…

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Relationships and air travel may have something in common.

(Posted by Gayle)

This article provides a general discussion of potential “landmines” in new relationships.  The author lists seven pitfalls to avoid when considering a long-term commitment.

In general, a significant age difference reflects a difference in life experience, which might cause the older partner to become impatient with the younger partner, or cast the older partner in the role of parent or mentor. Just as importantly, a significant age difference might represent a significant difference in the energy levels of each partner, and their respective priorities.

via Relationship 911: Incompatibility landmines – Family/Relationships – San Luis Obispo.

Gayle’s Commentary:

First of all, let me say how nice it is to see an article mentioning May December relationships without discussing celebrities.  The story offers a decent list of things to consider before saying “I do” to a long term commitment.  My only real issue with the inclusion of  “significant age differences” in the list is it getting top billing.  But the author never claimed to be putting the items in numerical order.

They have presented a comprehensive list for your consideration.  In reading it, all I could think to add was “living breathing human being.”  We can enumerate issues all day long (okay okay – we’ve got a few articles on the same subject right here at MayDecember Secrets.)  The real deal is human beings come with baggage.  You just need to determine how much is being checked and how much is being carried on.

In reality, there’s more to it than just legality!

(Posted by Ron)

I remember a time when I was about 15 years old and was with a few of my friends at a little league baseball game.  We weren’t there to play of course.  We were there to watch girls.  After all, I lived in a small town and there wasn’t a whole lot to do.  As we sat there a new girl walked past us.  None of us had seen her before and when we did our hormones started doing back flips.

She was what we would call today “a hottie.”  She was about 5′ 3″, very cute, and really built!  She obviously knew the effect she had on boys and was working it.  She was one of the cutest girls we had ever seen.  As we drooled and said all of the things we would like to do to her a guy behind us got our attention.  “Her family just moved into town,’ he said.  ‘She’s cute, but she’s only eleven years old.” Read the rest of this entry »