Um….err….sunshine and roses 24/7?!   NOT!!!

(Posted by Gayle)

Recently I’ve wondered how Ron and I would be perceived by the world were we to be interviewed on a talk show.  Makes me laugh when I think about it – especially in light of the week we’ve just had.  How do I say this delicately?  We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no, too loud and rambunctious),  Frazier and Ali (no, too bloody and violent), Lucy and Ricky (no, too funny and accented),  Gladys and Ralph (no, too industrial), snakes and scorpions?  Yes that’s it.  I think quiet venom sums it up better.

The details of our contentions are irrelevant (and private though goodness only knows, between facebook and this blog, nothing much about our life seems confidential anymore.)  What is relevant is that personal arguments are not something typically discussed by marriage experts on Oprah.  If you listen to Dr. Phil, it sounds like he and Robin have never gone 10 rounds over two or three days.  Does John Gray spill his guts about what it is like when he and the Mrs. are so mad he is spitting nails from his cave? Do these people ever get pissed off at each other?  I wonder.

It’s just not part of the “fairy tale” and frankly if you don’t know how darned normal it is, it can scare the daylights of you.  It know it does me.  Not because I fear for my life or physical safety, but in some of our worst moments I can’t imagine ever laughing with Ron again or having him hold me (he would second that emotion.)

I am NOT here to tell you that you have to fight to be a normal couple.  I don’t even know what normal is.  I’m just saying that even those of us with the most education, experience, and tools can come to emotional blows at times. And when it happens we feel perfectly awful for days.  So, when we are on our book tour and Oprah asks if we always use the tools we talk about in our book or blog, I hope I’m not taking a sip of whatever she serves in those cups.  It’s likely to come flying out of my nose (note to self:  wear black on Oprah Show.)

If you are looking for a perfect couple to be your mentors on this May December journey, then you might want to hit the back button on your browser and check your search results again.  Ron and I are perfect…ly flawed humans!

What brings the magic back into our fairy tale?   The sum of the whole is greater than our parts.  I don’t think we necessarily “complete” each other, but we do balance each other.  And without the balance we bring to each other,  there would be a lot more tripping and falling flat.  We are better together.

I am energetic and creative.  I’ve been referred to as “Sister Buzzy Hummingbird” by some of my closest friends.

Ron is enduring, deliberate, and patient.  My mother referred to him as “comfortable like an old shoe” after she met him the first time.

Ron rarely uses his allotment of words for the day.

I frequently have to dip into his word allotment when I run out.

I am a social creature who needs friends with whom to share intimate details of my life.

Ron has not seen his best friend in years, but they send regular emails to each other. These emails consist of jokes and very few personal exchanges.  Ron’s loyalty to his best friend is undying.

I am emotional.  I frequently get overwhelmed by life and pretend I am the Wicked Witch of the West (I am referring to “melting down” people!)

Ron is not outwardly very emotional and is certainly ruled by logic (perhaps a Vulcan mutt so to speak.)

I wouldn’t be half a person without Ron, but I wouldn’t be as good a person.  He helps ground me.  I bring awe and wonder to him.  Now with that said, on any day the wrong mix of logic and emotion; grounding, awe and wonder, and deliberate and buzzy can be as volcanic as baking soda and vinegar.  What’s important is to not make any life altering decisions and do no irreparable harm while the volcano is erupting.  Sometimes we even go to bed angry, because we know we are tired and need a solution that will require clear minds and some sleep. In those moments, I try my hardest to remember they pass and the magic returns.  So far that’s always been true for us.  Even after 22 years, I’m not taking it for granted.  More appropriately said – it’s something I’ve come to trust.

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I don’t talk about things like that:

(Posted by Ron)

I finally realized the oil business was not for me.  In 1984 I interviewed with a gentleman for a position as VP of Finance at the investment company he owned.  Little did I know how big this defining moment was going to be in my life.  After being hired I found working for him to be fun and exciting.  He was a financially successful man who thrived on risk and opportunities.   Over the four years I was there I traveled, of course, and sadly, it was during that time that my marriage finally ended.

Gayle and I had reconnected after I returned to Dallas and were now in a relationship.  In fact we were seriously considering marriage.  The fact that she was 15 years younger than me just didn’t seem important to either of us.  During this time my boss and his wife attended a personal development workshop and he came back to the office convinced that all of his employees should attend.  He called me into his office and asked if I would trust him enough to attend without knowing the subject.  He would pay for it and give me the time off to attend.  Well, I was nobody’s fool.  If my boss wanted me to do something like this and was paying; of course I would go.  I remembered my experience with the career counselor in the Navy.  Now was not the time to say no.

In August 1986 I went to a local hotel on Friday night with my briefcase, notepads, and my shirt and tie.  I was ready for an intense business workshop.  It was then known as YOU Seminars.  I didn’t know who he was at the time but YOU was owned by Dr. Phil McGraw and another Clinical Psychologist who presented the workshops in Dallas.  It was certainly not a business workshop!  When I walked in and saw everyone dressed in black with frowns on their faces I realized I might have made a mistake in coming.

A few minutes later I knew I was in the wrong place.  YOU Seminars was one of the psychologically based, self development seminars that were popular in the 1980’s and 1990’s.  In that first weekend I was angrier than I had been in a very long time.  How dare they delve into my personal life and refuse to let me avoid participation!  I wasn’t a quitter, though, so I decided to stick it out until Sunday night.  I certainly had no intention of returning for the second session that began 10 days later.

My boss was kind (and cagey) about it and did not push.  He did encourage me to return, though.  For some reason during those 10 days I decided I was going to finish what I had started and this time it was my decision.  I walked out of the second session on Sunday night a different man.  Not only had I experienced phenomenal personal growth, but also had seen what I considered to be miracles in others.  I was hooked.

~Know somebody in a relationship with an age difference? Or someone who could benefit from relationship tips, tricks, and tools?

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