Or so say many people who eagerly look for reasons that people should not enter into age-gap relationships:

I read the news about Michael Douglas‘ throat cancer with the same sadness I would have for anyone who was visited by the Big C.  Believe it or not, it isn’t any worse or better because he is a celebrity who is married to a younger woman.

We’ve said many times that society’s primary age-gap role models are celebrities.  In reality though, age is no more important in Hollywood than the additional publicity that is derived from being in the media because you have a young wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/lover, etc.  Rarely, if ever, do the media take the time to look behind the notoriety of the relationship.  I believe we should look more closely at Michael and Catherine because they seem to be surviving their age difference quite well.  Not only do they still seem to be happy, but also they look to me like very good parents.

Yes, it will be sad if something happens and Michael can’t beat this disease.  Somehow I think he will do just fine.  He is strong and has the love and support of a loving wife and children.  Who cares that he is a celebrity?  In this fight he is no different than you or me.

He and Catherine might truly be one of our best Hollywood relationship/couple role models simply because they are making it work.  In the worst case one of them might die soon – yes, one of them.  Regardless of age or disease, neither knows who will be the first to go.  One of the greatest love stories of the 20th century was that of Clark Gable and Carole Lombard, although the seven years between them barely qualifies as an age-gap.  Lombard died at the age of 33 in an airplane crash and Gable was said to have never gotten over her death.  Although he remarried, he was still buried by her side when he died.

Beautiful loves often suffer loss regardless of age.  John Lennon was seven years younger than Yoko when he was killed in 1980.  She is still alive.  George Gershwin had a ten year relationship with Kay Swift.  Although they were the same age, she still outlived him by more than 50 years as he died when he was 38, and the list goes on.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones appear to be committed to each other.  They have found a way to be happy, raise a family, and still be very active in their individual careers.  Catherine has won an Academy Award, Tony, etc. since they married.  They have maintained their individuality in their work and in their relationship.  That is hard in most cases, but particularly in Hollywood.

So for those of you who judge couples by their ages, look to your own relationships.  Maybe your time would be better spent not worrying about celebrities.  For those of you struggling to make decisions about an age gap relationship, look to yourselves.  Only you know if it is good for you.  For those of you simply trying to find, develop, or be in a relationship regardless of age, look to yourselves, too.  Age is a red herring.  Happiness is found within love, not birthdates.

Consider the lesson from Garth Brooks’ song The Dance.  “I could have missed the pain, but I’d of had to miss the dance.”  Ask yourself what’s more important, missing a bit of pain or dancing  during the time you spend together, no matter how short or long that time may be?  Don’t ask about age.  It truly is meaningless when it comes to love.  Consider Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.  They had 50 years together.  Do you believe she mourned any less because they had so many years together?  Love knows no age.  Loss knows no age.

Michael, my thoughts go out to you and I wish you success in your coming struggle.  Somehow I think you will be OK.  Catherine, although I don’t know you, I believe I’ve seen your love for Michael.  You are good advertisements for love, no matter your ages.  May God be with you throughout this fight and my prayer for you is simply that His will be done.

Read Gayle’s Post

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(Posted by Gayle)

Okay let’s do it!

Non-shared comfort zones are the death of many a relationship.  For a May December Couple its poison can be as deadly as that of a Coral Snake.  The bite may come from out of nowhere and once bitten the relationship’s chances for survival diminish with every minute spent without the antidote. Examples of non shared comfort zones include:

• He loves to socialize and get out with people.  She is a homebody and prefers ordering pizza in and renting a DVD.
• She loves to travel the world.  His world is five square miles in diameter.  Everything he could ever want is within a few minutes of home.
• He loves sports and hosting parties for the games.  She doesn’t stop him, but refuses to participate.  Instead, she stays in her room and catches up on reading or surfs the web.
• He tinkers with old cars.  She longs to learn to rumba.  She takes dance lessons.  He goes to swap meets.  They do very little together.

They may not have an age difference, but there is certainly a gap developing. All of these marriages have fallen prey to their own style of comfort zone – that place where life is familiar, ordinary, and/or habitual, but not necessarily safe.  It’s a zone that gets smaller and smaller when left unchallenged.  One day you wake up in its constricting grip and look for the snake.  We’re in favor of couples having individual interests and pursuits.  We just find that it can be easy to fall into a routine and not realize that your partner is feeling limited or resentful of the routine.

When May and December find themselves in incompatible or even compatible, but static comfort zones they often chalk it up to the age difference.  The age gap may be perceived as the problem.  It is seen as immutable!  You have permission to stay stuck and continue doing what you were doing because you can’t change your age.

When we met Dixie, Ron and I were sharing the same comfort zone.  Our life was on a fairly routine path.  We were both yearning for something more, but we were comfortable with playing it small.  We weren’t exactly sure what was missing and were concerned that aging was making it impossible to have a larger life.  Joints were aching.  Yard work was a pain in more ways than one.  Running too many errands “tuckered” us out.  Since life is full of yard work and errands, we were in a static comfort zone.  We both knew we could take better care of ourselves physically, but whatever was absent seemed like something more than just a trip to the gym.

I had already turned down the idea of going to the Hay House writing workshop at sea once.  Some of the reasons I gave myself for not going were;

• It costs too much money.
• I have no desire to go on a cruise.
• I can always hire a coach.
• I can just buy a book about writing a book.

The day the brochure came in the mail, however, something inside me stirred.  In retrospect, I realize it was my heart’s wisdom nudging up against the wall of fear surrounding my comfort zone.  I pondered the information.  I decided I needed to go, but that it should be a “dual” journey.  I knew Ron would support my decision to go, but would not naturally think about joining me.

The desire to write a book was “my thing” – not his.  I knew he would encourage my work whole-heartedly, but again the nudging inside said “no – you need to go together.”  I told him I wanted him to come with me and hear everything said at the same time I was hearing it.  I worried if I had to come home and share all the information with him, by the time I finished recounting my experiences, I would be tired and lose my zest.  It had happened before.

The next words he uttered shattered our comfort zones, but it would be a while before we realized what happened.  He said “okay, let’s do it.”

I wonder how many marriages have become putrid from the decay caused by the word “no?”  The last year has been filled with ups, downs, and all arounds for Ron and me.  At times, I’ve said “yes” too much.  I’ve worn myself down and sometimes out.  At the same time, my comfort zone has exploded like a hard boiled egg in a microwave.

I’m not telling you to try this at home, but I am suggesting you examine how open you are to new experiences and make sure your partner is at least sharing your comfort zone with you.  I’ve seen some once lovely relationships die right under one of the partner’s noses because he or she didn’t realize his or her comfort zone was TOLERATED – NOT SHARED by the spouse.

Being blasted out of your comfort zone isn’t always recommended, but for us – for now, it is the right thing.  We have been more than willing to follow and devour the breadcrumbs provided for us by a certain redheaded dame.  Sometimes you just have to follow a different leader….

Life is not tried it is merely survived when you are standing outside the fire. ~  Garth Brooks

But what happens when you are about to miss the next boat out of your comfort zone?  Tune in tomorrow. Subscribe to our RSS feed now and you won’t miss a single tip, trick, or tool!

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