Words have a life of their own.

(Written by Susan Papa, Posted by Gayle)

A dear friend of mine was reading today’s post on blending families.  It made her think of her beloved sister Susan.  Susan died suddenly almost 5 years ago.  Clearly she was taken too soon.  Susan was also a counselor and before her death she wrote an excellent article on family blending. Read the rest of this entry »

A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

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Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?

You marry him!

(Posted by Gayle)

There had been other loves.  There had even been another husband, but at the ripe of old age of 20 something I fell in love with a man 15 years older than me.  It didn’t seem like a big difference (to us).  But that wasn’t true for some of our friends, family members, and especially his children.

My best friend was also in love with a man 15 or more years older than her.  Our late night wine chats helped me feel normal and really didn’t raise any red flags.  My boss on the other hand thought I was crazy.  I’m not sure how much that had to do with our age difference.  The fact that Ron was hired to take a job my boss wanted might have had something do with it! Read the rest of this entry »

You can run, but sometimes you just can’t hide (and maybe you shouldn’t anyway).

(Posted by Gayle)

My brain usually contains a plethora of ideas.  I told a friend of mine recently that I don’t suffer from writer’s block.  More often I’m stuck in the land of writer’s unblock.  He thought I ought to market it as a product, but I don’t have a method to my madness.  I just have my madness!

Tonight I’ve been feeling pressure from myself to get a post written for tomorrow.  But it was Survivor night and “Grey’s” was on and I just didn’t want to multi-task.  Honestly Facebook seemed a whole lot more interesting that anything in my mind.  I’ve been wondering lately about writing a wandering essay on the use of Serendipity (the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way) as a tool in relationships – especially relationships that have the deck stacked against them from the start  – you know like us May Decemberers.  For Ron and me – 2008 has been one of our most serendipitous years ever. Read the rest of this entry »

No, but 66 are quite a few!

(Posted by Ron)

• Yesterday was our 22nd anniversary.  Gayle was sick with the stomach virus I had last week and spent almost the entire day in bed.
• We’ve started early on Christmas decorating.  Some years can be quite a production in the Lambert/Luster household.  This may be one of those.  Family starts arriving on Wednesday.
• Nancy came over yesterday to help decorate.  We spent a couple of hours repairing the wiring on the new last year, pre-lit, going to save a lot of time each year, expensive Christmas tree.  Nancy did a beautiful job, by the way.
• I was going to help with decorating but got too deeply into cleaning the garage which had become so cluttered it was dangerous to walk through.  Why the garage?  It’s where the decorations are stored.  I had to find them.
• Oh, I found the laundry out there, too.  I’ve worked on it all weekend.
• Did I mention that I had my sweet little almost 17 year old Cocker/Chow mix put to sleep this weekend?
• Somehow I remembered to go to “Babys-R-Us” today for the “dog” gates we needed to protect the kitchen from marauding babies.
• It’s 10:30 on Sunday night and Gayle just asked if I had written a post for tomorrow.  I didn’t say what immediately came to mind.  Instead I just said no.  After all, I’m very, very tired.

In less than three weeks I will celebrate my 66th birthday.  Gayle, as you know, is a youngster with 15 fewer years on the clock than me.  Otherwise, why would we be writing these posts?  22 years ago I would have been almost as tired after a weekend such as this.  The thought of “writing a post” would have been just as unappetizing then as tonight.

Then I realized I do have a post.  A post about being too tired to write a post.  In the past few years I’ve begun to ponder my aging.  Tonight was one of those times.  I’m almost 66!  I’m tired!  How can you ask me to think about writing?  Then it hit me.  I could change those numbers to 44 and the words would still be much the same.

I don’t “remember” the passage of those 22 years.  I don’t “remember” getting to 66.  Most of the time those numbers don’t bother me and this is one of those times!  They really are just numbers.

I have a feeling this post is going to be used against me when I want to be 66 again.