I learned that sometimes being selfish is a worthy goal. Finally, I was selfish enough to see that I had to stop talking and start listening – especially when we were fighting. If I wanted her to hear me maybe I needed to hear her. I was selfish enough to see she was often right about a point of contention between us and to admit her being right did not diminish me. I was selfish enough to see that it was OK for her to have a life outside of us. I was selfish enough to tell her when I was angry with her and not wait for days or weeks or never. I was selfish enough to listen to her anger without being defensive. I was selfish enough to stop telling myself I knew more than she did. I loved her selfishly enough to do what it took to make our marriage work.

Relationships! They are a pain in the ass sometimes. Good ones are wonderful lots of the time. They are also boring at times. Bad ones can destroy you if you let them. If you want your relationship to grow and be fulfilling, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to adjust to your partner’s changes and the changes in the relationship as it matures. You have to be willing to be selfish.

As my mom and dad neared the end of their days they finally began to interact with me as an adult and not just their baby. They each began to talk with me about their life together. I learned from mom that she didn’t always like her role. She felt it never ended and she never got a rest. She felt she was taken for granted by all of us and often ignored by dad. I learned from my dad that they often argued and that mom was a difficult woman with whom to live. He told me there were times he just wanted to leave, but that wasn’t an option in the “innocent” times. So, they stayed together for more than sixty years. They reached an accommodation and became companions. I don’t think they were ever intimate in the way I have come to know it. I do believe they had what my couples clients must have for success. They loved each other.

Gayle and I are friends, companions, lovers, peers, business partners and are still learning true intimacy. How? By no longer asking why we need to change. We just do. We understand that if one of has an issue with the other – we BOTH have a problem. We learn to change because we are selfish. We know what we want and to keep having what we want we are willing to change. Stagnation isn’t an option for us. By changing how we experience life and each other we are new individuals each day and our relationship is constantly transmuted

Why do you need to change – because you want to be happy. It’s really that simple.

A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

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Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?

You might be surprised!

Posted by Gayle

How fun to hear what a woman who is quickly approaching 30 has to say about age gap relationships.  I’m telling you folks,  we’re myth busting right here on MayDecemberSecrets.Com!  I love it!!!!

Sandy Days, Salty Nights | charlotte.floridaweekly.com | Punta Gorda and Port Charlotte Newspaper | News, Business, Real Estate and Arts in Charlotte County FL | Florida.

She says:  ”you don’t choose who you love.”

Posted by Gayle

Here’s one woman’s take on falling in love with a man 11 years her senior.  Has anyone else noticed?  We May-December folks are turning up in the news more and more. Finally it’s not just celebrities!

I contend there has been a demand for this information all along.  We were hungry but no one was feeding us.  The more we read about our unique love affairs, the more we want to read about them.

I think you’ll enjoy this woman’s story.

Commentary: My May-December Relationship – Essence.com.