A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

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Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?

At least we don’t have to kill our Thanksgiving dinner.

(Posted by Ron)

My son and his family just arrived to spend Thanksgiving with us this weekend.  They drove in from Kansas just for the holiday.  It’s a lot different than my memories but I know we are creating our own memories.  Traditions are not dependent on how Gayle and I spent our holidays.  Yes, our traditions somehow get folded into Thanksgiving but the new ones work, too.

When I was growing up there were times when we went to my grandparents for Thanksgiving.  Not often, but enough that I remember it.  The men got up early and went hunting.  Breakfast would then include the squirrels that were killed that morning. I know, some of you are cringing, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.  It’s hard to beat squirrel gravy and freshly baked biscuits for breakfast.

Mostly, however, I remember all of my sisters and my brother showing up at mom and dad’s house for Thanksgiving.  We had a great time with all of the siblings and cousins seeing each other again and we always ended Thanksgiving day full of turkey and dressing and pie and…  Our food all came from the local grocer except for what dad had grown during the summer.  We didn’t have to kill anything.

The women in the family went to the kitchen and began cleaning up after dinner.  There was no dishwasher so cleaning up required a lot of soap, elbow grease, and catching up on what had happened in the family in the last year.

The men would take their coffee and smokes (yes, we still did) out to the front porch   We would also catch up on the past year but it would be more about jobs and fishing and “manly” stuff.  We would never get caught doing the dishes after dinner.

Thanksgiving with my grandparents was the way it was done in the 1940′s and 50′s.  Thanksgiving at my parents’ house was the way it was done in the 1950′s and 60′s.  Neither was unusual for the time.  I’m sure there are still many places in this huge country of ours where one or both of those patterns still exist.

My kids were raised with as many of the family around the Thanksgiving dinner table as possible.  As they grew older the patterns changed.  We moved.  Family members passed away.  The world around us became faster and less connected.  But the family still remains as the basis for the Thanksgiving celebration.

So here we are at Thanksgiving, 2008.  Ron and Wendy and Ian and Emme just arrived from their home in Kansas.  Tomorrow they and a few friends will join us for a meal that Gayle has literally worked on for at least a couple of weeks.  We don’t have to kill anything – Kroger’s handled that for us.  We just get to enjoy the time together.

When I was a child I never remember friends being part of our Thanksgiving.  I love this new part or our tradition.  I wish that all of our kids and grandkids could be with us but know they are having Thanksgiving with friends and family.  The world is so different now.  We are often so far apart.

We don’t eat together, but we call each other.  The men clear tables and put dishes into the dishwasher (or wash if necessary).  We all visit together.  We have new traditions, but they still keep families together.  The families are even different.  Gayle and I are parent and step-parent.  The kids accepted this new family structure years ago.  The grandkids know us as Pop and Gigi and that is normal for them.  It may be a smaller, differently structured group but it’s no less traditional.

So, however you are doing it and with whom, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

And it was all my mother’s fault!

(Posted by Ron)

Counselors and counseling are often accused of blaming everything on parents.  I’m a counselor.  So, why can’t I blame my parents for everything?  I suppose I could blame them for who I am, but that would be neither true nor fair to them.  Like yours, my parents were not perfect.  Unlike some of you, I wasn’t mistreated as a child.  I did, however, learn many lessons at the feet of my parents.  How I chose to apply those lessons was totally my responsibility.  That was a hard realization for me to accept, as it often is with my clients. Read the rest of this entry »

About 80% of the couples in my practice come in with communication, sex, or money issues.  They are searching for tools Every now and then a couple presents with step-children problems or questions. These can be from blended families or those in which only one partner brought children to the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, the problems are often significant.

When Gayle and I married I already had four children, the youngest of whom was in her teens. Not surprisingly, none of them were happy that their mom and I had divorced. They also weren’t happy that I was marrying Gayle (or anyone else for that matter.) Gayle knew it was likely she would face problems like most step-parents.

So, how did she approach the potential for problems with my kids? She “loved” (a verb) them. Over time she grew to “love” (a noun) them. She went through quite a bit of “not being accepted” behavior and did not let it turn her away from me or my kids. I could see how it hurt her but she continued to hang in there. She knew there was no “us” without them.

It takes a great deal of generosity of spirit to be able to persevere in the face of non-acceptance. She could see they simply didn’t know how to handle what had happened. Although it felt like it at times, she knew it wasn’t personal. Her arms were and are always open to them and their families. Doing it in their own different ways, they have also come to love (both the verb and noun) her even though she isn’t and doesn’t try to be their mother. They recognize how giving she is and are able to give back to her.

We consciously made the decision to not have children together. My kids are her “bonus” children and she loves them dearly. Together we have 12 grandchildren. They know “Gigi” only as their grandparent. They don’t question it. They know the depth of love and generosity of spirit that Gayle has for them.

Ours is not a particularly unique situation. Quite often, however, relationships fail because a partner cannot endure the isolation that comes from being the “outsider.” It takes a strong and generous spirit to survive and thrive as has Gayle.

A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

Please take a minute subscribe to our RSS feed and newsletter.  Your questions and comments are welcome. Enjoy!

Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?