Or not being willing to do the work (A post by Ron)

We recently received a call from a reporter for Slate.com who was working on an article about age-gap relationships. I sat and listened to one side of the interview and at one point heard Gayle say “Yes, an age-gap can be the reason for a divorce.”  I certainly couldn’t disagree with her but in my mind I began listing other reasons for divorce.  Money problems, communication difficulties, affairs, children (to have or not, how to raise, etc.), incompatibility, growing apart, and on and on.

I often tell my couple clients that any relationship requires a great deal of work to be successful.  In my opinion (backed only by personal and client related experience) every successful relationship stays that way because the individuals in the relationship are willing to do the work.  Just think about who you were when you entered into your relationship.  You were an individual.  It doesn’t matter how much you loved the other person or how much you believed you were alike you were headed for a shock – you each had a lot to learn.

Consider these potential problems and add your own as you go along.  All of the questions I’m asking come from my counseling experience and no matter how petty some may seem, have been real problems with couples.  How do you load the dishwasher?  How do you separate the laundry?  Do you chew with your mouth open?  Do you make strange noises when you laugh?  Has there been an affair?  Does your libido match that of your partner?  Do you have sex too often?  Not often enough?  Is there a significant age difference between you and your partner.  Do you disagree about money?  Do you want to have children?  Do you not?  Do you want more privacy than you get?  I could continue the list, but will let you finish it with your own issues.

So here’s my point.  Almost every one of the problems I’ve listed, and many more, can be a single, easy way out of your relationship.  Yes, even the “unimportant” issues such as dishes, clothes or chewing.  Not likely by themselves, but they usually mask even more serious problems.  Affairs, money, communication, sex, age gaps and incompatibility can each be an early, easy way out.  Particularly if you are already looking for an excuse to be out.

Each of these problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work.  That’s the secret, do the work!  So often I find that only one partner is willing.  The other may have given up, or be frightened, or just not believe in getting help.  It is so much easier to just say it’s not working and should end.  Sadly, many of these do end.

Yes, a significant age-gap can be the stated “reason” for a divorce or breakup.  If you are in that situation, though, I ask you to think back to when you started the relationship.  The same age-gap existed then.  Did you believe you were honestly in love?  Did the age-gap seem to be a significant problem then?  If so, why did you enter into the relationship.  And now, what has changed?  Why is age a problem today?  If the age-gap didn’t exist, would you be ready to leave this person you once loved?

I don’t believe any single issue causes a relationship to end.  I do believe you are doing yourself, your partner and all of the other people in your life who love you a disservice if you don’t at least make an effort to “do the work” to deal with real issues and perhaps save the relationship.  That usually involves bringing a third party in as an arbitrator, interpreter, and/or counselor.  Does it have to be a therapist?  No, but that may be best.  After all, I have no biases towards either of the individuals.  I’m neither family nor friend and, as a result, am more likely to be able to consider both sides of the issues.

While a couple is in counseling with me I constantly challenge them to look at themselves as well as their partner and the relationship.  As I’ve heard Gayle say, “there are three clients in relationship counseling – the relationship and each partner. Sometimes one or both of the partners really don’t like me but that’s not why they engaged me to help them.  In fact, not liking me often gives them another target and takes some of the pressure off the relationship as we interact.  I watch for signs of unidentified or hidden issues.  I teach them how to communicate and even how to argue.  I assign “homework” and keep after them until they accomplish it.  In short, I make them work as hard as I possibly can to save their relationship.  That is my job.

So I want to amend something I said above.  Yes, an age-gap in a relationship can be the “reason” for a divorce or breakup but not by itself. If it is used by itself I believe it is used as an excuse.  Age-gaps are only one aspect of a relationship, as is money, or communications, or sex…  By itself an age-gap has little or no power over the success or failure of your relationship.  Don’t use it as an excuse.  “Do the work!”

Um….err….sunshine and roses 24/7?!   NOT!!!

(Posted by Gayle)

Recently I’ve wondered how Ron and I would be perceived by the world were we to be interviewed on a talk show.  Makes me laugh when I think about it – especially in light of the week we’ve just had.  How do I say this delicately?  We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no, too loud and rambunctious),  Frazier and Ali (no, too bloody and violent), Lucy and Ricky (no, too funny and accented),  Gladys and Ralph (no, too industrial), snakes and scorpions?  Yes that’s it.  I think quiet venom sums it up better.

The details of our contentions are irrelevant (and private though goodness only knows, between facebook and this blog, nothing much about our life seems confidential anymore.)  What is relevant is that personal arguments are not something typically discussed by marriage experts on Oprah.  If you listen to Dr. Phil, it sounds like he and Robin have never gone 10 rounds over two or three days.  Does John Gray spill his guts about what it is like when he and the Mrs. are so mad he is spitting nails from his cave? Do these people ever get pissed off at each other?  I wonder.

It’s just not part of the “fairy tale” and frankly if you don’t know how darned normal it is, it can scare the daylights of you.  It know it does me.  Not because I fear for my life or physical safety, but in some of our worst moments I can’t imagine ever laughing with Ron again or having him hold me (he would second that emotion.)

I am NOT here to tell you that you have to fight to be a normal couple.  I don’t even know what normal is.  I’m just saying that even those of us with the most education, experience, and tools can come to emotional blows at times. And when it happens we feel perfectly awful for days.  So, when we are on our book tour and Oprah asks if we always use the tools we talk about in our book or blog, I hope I’m not taking a sip of whatever she serves in those cups.  It’s likely to come flying out of my nose (note to self:  wear black on Oprah Show.)

If you are looking for a perfect couple to be your mentors on this May December journey, then you might want to hit the back button on your browser and check your search results again.  Ron and I are perfect…ly flawed humans!

What brings the magic back into our fairy tale?   The sum of the whole is greater than our parts.  I don’t think we necessarily “complete” each other, but we do balance each other.  And without the balance we bring to each other,  there would be a lot more tripping and falling flat.  We are better together.

I am energetic and creative.  I’ve been referred to as “Sister Buzzy Hummingbird” by some of my closest friends.

Ron is enduring, deliberate, and patient.  My mother referred to him as “comfortable like an old shoe” after she met him the first time.

Ron rarely uses his allotment of words for the day.

I frequently have to dip into his word allotment when I run out.

I am a social creature who needs friends with whom to share intimate details of my life.

Ron has not seen his best friend in years, but they send regular emails to each other. These emails consist of jokes and very few personal exchanges.  Ron’s loyalty to his best friend is undying.

I am emotional.  I frequently get overwhelmed by life and pretend I am the Wicked Witch of the West (I am referring to “melting down” people!)

Ron is not outwardly very emotional and is certainly ruled by logic (perhaps a Vulcan mutt so to speak.)

I wouldn’t be half a person without Ron, but I wouldn’t be as good a person.  He helps ground me.  I bring awe and wonder to him.  Now with that said, on any day the wrong mix of logic and emotion; grounding, awe and wonder, and deliberate and buzzy can be as volcanic as baking soda and vinegar.  What’s important is to not make any life altering decisions and do no irreparable harm while the volcano is erupting.  Sometimes we even go to bed angry, because we know we are tired and need a solution that will require clear minds and some sleep. In those moments, I try my hardest to remember they pass and the magic returns.  So far that’s always been true for us.  Even after 22 years, I’m not taking it for granted.  More appropriately said – it’s something I’ve come to trust.

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