A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

Please take a minute subscribe to our RSS feed and newsletter.  Your questions and comments are welcome. Enjoy!

Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?

Maybe they’re nutty; it is after all, fruitcake time again.

(Posted by Gayle)

Nuptial Economics: Why women want to marry older men.

22 Nov 2008, 1613 hrs IST, Rucha Biju Chitrodia, TNN
The Economic Times

…Agreed, there may be different reasons for different women to choose an older man. But the advantages are there for all to see; an older man is expected to be more experienced, mature, resilient, have a more rounded personality, less likely to stray and, of course, is definitely a lot more bankable than a young guy just starting out in life. He would make a good provider for his woman and children…. Read entire article here.

Gayle’s Commentary

This article discusses the impact time and equality are having on the Indian custom of men marrying women who are significantly younger.  It seems that as time goes on this custom is disappearing and marriages of “equals” are becoming more and more common.  Yet with the development of parity in relationships a new freedom of choice is emerging in Indian women.  No longer, being “required” to fulfill a societal custom and marry an older man is also freeing women to fall in love with men who are significantly their senior.

A 25-year-old media person, settled in Australia and married to a man 11 years her senior, reveals via e-mail: “Ours is not a classic case these days. However, with him, I’ve found a way to look deep inside a man’s soul and find a spiritual partner…. We vibe on a different level, one which has nothing to do with age at all.’’

My sentiments exactly!  While arranged marriages have not had the same place in the US as in many other countries, they were common place in pioneer times for the same reasons discussed in the reviewed article.   When the requirement is lifted, it’s natural to see a drift away from the prior demands.

I’m in my marriage for love and compatibility – not because it’s cool and not because society tells me I must be married to an older man.   I am a proponent of healthy choices. Partnering with someone whose age is significantly different than yours is a choice.  That’s all it is – that’s all I ever hope it will be – just a choice.

If it’s a choice you are considering, you are in the right place.  Subscribe to our RSS feed and newsletter and keep on reading – there’s more good stuff coming!

A:  Very carefully.

(Posted by Gayle)

Some May December romances create a world of mine and ours.  For me it’s the world of you and yours and then mine (those 13 grandbabies are mine too darn it!)  In an age gap relationship, there may be a lot of attention focused on the gap between the couple’s ages.   But behind the scenes there can be a formidable amount of attention placed on the lack of gap between the ages of the stepparent and children.

Here are some things to remember if your May December relationship involves blending families:

• Take your time. Don’t rush the kids into a relationship with the person you are dating (or marrying as the case may be.)  Your kids did not ask for their parents to divorce and remarry.  Give them time and space to get used what has happened.
• They are individuals. Do not expect them to function as a unified group where the stepparent is concerned.  One may like him or her.  Another may resist the stepparent with a vengeance.  Treat them as individuals and don’t ever pit them against each other or put them in the middle.  Remember they didn’t really want a stepparent in their lives.  If they were raised with manners they will be polite.  If not – well thankfully that’s not part of my story.
• Step out of the way. The quality of the relationship you have with your step children will most likely not be better than the quality of the relationship those children have with the parent you are dating/marrying.  You have to step out the way (maybe that’s why we are called step parents – it stands for “step out of the way” parents) and let them work things out.  Once the parent and child work things out, you’ll get to start building a quality relationship of your own.  If they never work out their “stuff” – you’ll may never have a solid relationship with that child.
• Be patient and supportive. Parent child relationship building can take MANY years so you better learn how to be patient. When one of the children needs their parent’s love, make sure the stepparent clears the way for them to have as much access as they need.  Be supportive of them and it will be easier for them to like you.
• Work out your “stuff”. A word to biological parents.   If you want your new marriage to succeed, it’s a good idea to work out your “stuff” with your kids.  Expect that your divorce caused some “stuff”.  Expect that you are part of the problem and if you want to have a relationship with your kids – don’t blame your ex for what happened.  Even if you were didn’t initiate the divorce.  Learn how to accept responsibility for your part in the marriage’s failure and for your part in hurting your children.  No one is blame free in any marriage.
• They were here first. Before you plan a family of your own, think about the needs of the children who are already here.  I’m not saying they get to decide if you have a family, but they were here first.  They deserve consideration and respect.  Give them time to get used to the idea that you are planning to try to conceive before you spring a pregnancy on them.
• Respect.  If you want respect, you are going to have to earn it.   You’ll earn it by letting them see that you are a good and decent person.  Treat them like you want to be treated.  Don’t bad mouth their other parent, their grandparents, their siblings, their kids, their friends, etc.  If you are gossiping around them, they won’t trust you.  They will wonder what you say about them when they aren’t present.
• Be a better listener than talker. I find this works in most situations and is invaluable with kids.  Pay attention.  Do you talk more than you listen?  You may think you are talking to make things more comfortable, but what if you are talking so much there is no room for anyone else to get a word in?  With that said.  Make sure you participate in conversations.  That means both talking and listening.  Active listening doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “identifying” too much.  It means using words to get someone to share more with you.  If you don’t speak and don’t listen, well then you won’t be having a relationship.  You’ll just be sharing space.
• Give love even when you don’t feel loved. Just practice the golden rule and treat them the way you want to be treated.  Marrying their parent didn’t automatically earn you their love.  That is a gift given over time.

The love my step-children have for me is the most validating love I have ever received in my life.  They didn’t want me, they didn’t ask for me, they got stuck with me.   And stick it out we did.   Somehow we transformed resistance into acceptance and pain into love.  It’s not something I take for granted and it really never ceases to amaze me.

Please take a minute subscribe to our RSS feed and newsletter.  Your questions and comments are welcome. Enjoy!

Read:   We’ve Got 22 Years of Secrets to Share

Read:   What happens when you realize you are love with a man 15 years older?

Mind the age gap

By Jane Hardy
Saturday, 6 September 2008

Celebrities often marry someone much younger (or older). But what does it really feel like to mix it with someone of a different generation? And can it work for us mere civilians, too? Read the rest of this entry »