Are you scared of what you might find in the holiday blender?

Don’t be.  Blended families can add spice to your holiday!

(Posted by Gayle)

Blended families are here to stay. I’ve been a part of a blended family since the day of my birth.  My mother’s parents divorced in 1920.  She gained a step-mother the following year who raised her and my aunt in addition to giving birth to 7 more children of her own.  Four years after my father died, my mom married my step-dad.  He had three children of his own.  Then I married Ron and four bonus children were part of the package.

You don’t have to be afraid. Essentially every Christmas of my life has included a step something or other.  It can be darn intimidating to walk into a room where the kids staring you in the face are closer to your age than your spouse.  My mother, who was 15 years older than my step-dad, tried to keep her age a secret from his parents.  She was 59 when they married.  His parents were less than 10 years her senior.  It seems funny to me know that my mother feared their judgments.  She had faced so much adversity.  How could such a small thing almost bring her to her knees?  When I walked a mile in her shoes, I realized it can be a humbling experience.  Ron and I married in November.  Our first holiday with the “kids” was one short month later.

Over the years I’ve acquired a few survival (and eventually thrivival) tips, tricks, and tools:

• Fear will get you nowhere.  But be gentle with yourself if your anxiety starts to climb.  Have a plan for how to handle your stress.  Discuss with your partner what you’ll do if you start freaking out.  You may need some kind of signal so you can implement your agreed upon plan.  Ron and I always had a plan when we went to his parent’s home in West Virgina.  His mom scared me!  She could be painfully insensitive at times.  If Ron saw me give him the cue, he knew it meant I was heading upstairs to our bedroom for a few minutes to breath deeply and calm myself down.  It worked for me on more than one occasion.
• Be yourself, but not too much of yourself – meaning don’t try too hard.  Relationships take time to build.  You are in this one for the long haul.  You don’t have to “win” everyone over on the first holiday (or even the second, etc.)
• Don’t make up stuff – meaning beware reading between the lines or being paranoid.
• Never, ever, ever say anything negative about the ex – even if the kids are talking about that person.  Keep your mouth shut!  You may see it as an opportunity to bond.  It will backfire.  Just step away from family gossip.
• Don’t drink too much.  You may think you are helping calm your fears by downing an extra glass of wine.  If you say or do something inappropriate, you’ll live to regret it.
• Don’t talk too much about yourself.  Ask questions and listen.   Think of it this way – you are at the event to get to know his or her family.  It may feel like you are on display and they are there to get to know you.  But if you focus on learning more about them the impression you will make is one of a great listener who is easy to talk to.
• Remember you are not the only one feeling stressed.  Your honey may be antsy too.  The kids and in-laws are probably stressing as well.  So try to go with the flow and know you are all in the same boat.

I remember closing the door after saying goodbye to Ron’s children that first Christmas.  I was so relieved I think I cried.  It would take more years before we felt like a real family, but we had crossed the first hurdle.  My mom always told me to not crosses bridges before you got to them.  That night if felt mighty nice to have that particular bridge behind me.

I love those kids!  They sure were brave – we all were.  It’s funny to think that we were ever scared of or resistant to each other.  As much as I love our grand babies and the kids-in-law, there is apart of me that wishes we could have just one more Christmas – just the 6 us.

Merry, happy…. ya’ll!

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