Roll up your sleeves and let’s clear away some relationship clutter.

When we wrote the article “5 Secrets to a Successful Relationship in any Season”, our plan was to make regular posts with tips, tricks, and tools for improving your May December relationship (or your May/May, January/February relationship, etc.)  This is the first of many more to come.  We’ll be building on the seasons of marriage metaphor as we go.  An excerpt of the original article is included to help get you started.

Fall:  A season of cleaning the slate, harvest, release, letting go, making room, preparing, pulling back, shifting, & simplifying.

Fall Splendor

Fall is the time of letting go and pulling back from the creations of the spring and summer.  It is a beautiful time marked by changes in the scenery and reductions in temperature.  The work of fall is slowing down, cleaning up,  letting go, making room, and preparing for the winter ahead.  It heralds the coming of the “quiet time” seasonally.  The hurricanes are stopping.  Nature is preparing for it’s big sleep.  Many species mate in the fall to prepare for a long wintertime gestation.

In relationships, the energy of fall brings letting go and preparing for the future.  In order to create room for growth, we need to find a way to release our grip on that which no longer serves us,  Read entire article now.

It’s Tool Time – Let’s Get to Work!

Fall is here (well in Texas it still feels like summer) and I’m feeling the need for some letting go. In a recent post, I talked about how easy it is to blame your partner for your unhappiness.  It so easy to see their faults when you are avoiding your own.  Lets translate this into a “Fall” Homework Assignment.

  1. Take a moment to survey your relationship-scape.  You can do this with a pen in hand, or with your eyes closed, or even while you are cooking, commuting, showering, etc.  The point is to just take a few minutes to “look around.”  You’ll notice some things that you love, maybe you’ll find something you’ve misplaced, but now I want you to let your eyes rest on something that bugs you.  There it is sticking out above the rest.  It’s the thing that irritates you or frustrates you the most right now.  It’s like that pesky itchy tag in the neck of a new shirt or blouse.  I’ll get you started…
    • I’m not happy with the amount of exercise I’m getting.  And It really bugs me that I don’t enjoy my workouts more.
  2. Spend a few minutes thinking about what your partner contributes to this problem (in your opinion).  I don’t know about you, but even when it’s obvious that it’s my issue I can figure out a way to blame dear hubby.  Don’t worry, you won’t be asked to share.  Ideally, you’ll make a list of several items.
    • Here is mine:  Ron’s knees get in the way of us being able to exercise together more often, he doesn’t like to exercise on a set schedule, when he is tired it’s easy for him to skip the workout, and when he needs to get in shape for an upcoming event he’ll try to cram it all in at the last minute (Ron is reading over my shoulder and he just said “it’s kind of hard to do that when the event you are cramming for is the rest of your life.”)
  3. Now it’s time for me to take some ownership of the problem. For each item you have on the list, make note of what issue of yours is being reflected back to you.
    • Ron’s knees get in the way of us being able to exercise together. I’m not being very tolerant or considerate of his situation.  I’m not doing a good job of accepting our differences.  I am also making him responsible for my decisions.  I don’t need for him to do this with me.  I’m a grown up and I have lots of options.  But I’m blaming him rather than dealing with my own lack of motivation or commitment.  It’s easy for me to blame Ron when I don’t feel like moving my own arse (so to speak.)
    • He doesn’t like to exercise on a set schedule.  Ahem, well, if I was so great with exercising on a schedule I wouldn’t be writing this post would I?!
    • When he is tired it’s easy for him to skip the workout.  Let’s see, who stayed up till 2:30am piddling on her Mac and didn’t go to Curves this morning, or afternoon, or evening?
    • When he needs to get in shape for an upcoming event he’ll try to cram it all in at the last minute. I’m not as much of a crammer as Ron, but the fact that I even have to start over is my issue.  I do know that the event I am preparing for is the rest of my life and still I stop and start over and over (thankfully I do start again.)
  4. Now it’s time for letting go.  Once I own my part of the problem, “Fall” reminds me to shed my old ingrained ideas.  When I release them, I make room for new ways of being to emerge.  I can’t forgive him, or me, if I don’t shift the focus off him and back to myself.  One of my favorites quotes says it best:

To accuse others for one’s own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.  To accuse oneself shows that one’s education has begun.  To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one’s  education is complete.
Epictetus

Today I’m off to find my eraser, I’ve got some slate cleaning to do.  Will you join me and clean your slate too?

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