You marry him!

(Posted by Gayle)

There had been other loves.  There had even been another husband, but at the ripe of old age of 20 something I fell in love with a man 15 years older than me.  It didn’t seem like a big difference (to us).  But that wasn’t true for some of our friends, family members, and especially his children.

My best friend was also in love with a man 15 or more years older than her.  Our late night wine chats helped me feel normal and really didn’t raise any red flags.  My boss on the other hand thought I was crazy.  I’m not sure how much that had to do with our age difference.  The fact that Ron was hired to take a job my boss wanted might have had something do with it!

My mother was okay, good, jumping for joy with idea.  I think finding out that Ron was born on the same day of the same year as my brother Paul might have helped.  Paul had lived only 3 days.  From the moment my mother discovered the connection between Paul and Ron – Ron became her son.  She never let anyone forget it either.  It didn’t matter how many obstacles Ron and I had to overcome she was our fiercest supporter.  Now my step-father (who had no room to talk as he was 15 years younger than my mother) was too nice to be outspoken against Ron, but it took many years before he actually trusted Ron’s intentions with me.

And then there were Ron’s children.  Ron’s oldest daughter is 5 years younger than me.  I’ll spare the kids the horror of posting the family picture taken at our wedding, but suffice it say it looked more like a funeral pic than a wedding photo.  They were brave little soldiers and oh so polite. They didn’t like what was happening one little bit and you couldn’t blame them.  After all they had not asked Santa for a step-mom.  The didn’t want want to be children of divorce, but they were troopers and I’ll talk more about our family’s blending in my next post.

The most important bits of wisdom I have to share for those who choose to navigate the gap are:

• Determine whether or not you are superb problem solvers.  If you aren’t, you better learn how to be or you are going to be in deep trouble down the road.  Please note, I said SOLVE and I literally mean SOLVE (find an answer to, explanation for, or means of effectively dealing with a problem.)  You are going to be presented with issues just like any couple.  How you work together to find solutions is going to be a “make it or break it” factor in your relationship.
• Set excellent boundaries and make sure you take plenty of time to be alone with each other.  You are going to need to count on your love for each other to get you through some awkward moments.  It is very important that the two of you are solid with each other.  This means choosing what’s best for the relationship over what other people want at times.
• Don’t rush into marriage, moving in together, making babies, or merging money. The clock may be ticking, but if it is true love you’ve got time.  Don’t let the age difference cause you to speed up too much.
• Do it for the right reasons – love and compatibility (period.) No other reasons will do.  If you are looking for security and stability, a teacher, arm candy, a good parent for your kids, you darn well better be “truly, madly, deeply in love” and compatible too!  Love and compatibility will be there even when you are fighting like cats and dogs and hate each other (we’ll write more on fighting in another post.)
• Listen to your head and your heart. They are designed to work together as a team.  In cases of a tie, I give the deciding vote to my heart. If your intellect and your gut don’t speak to each other – they need to learn how.  Respect and openness with both of the parts of yourself is a necessity!

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